I don't know why I seem preoccupied with the reasons for relapse right now, but I am.
I read the blogs, see people struggling, and I guess it just makes me ponder the topic. Also, probably because I am nervous it will happen to me and I'm still trying to navigate between Day 30 and 100 with an upcoming vacation in between.
My mind naturally goes toward categorization. Here are my thoughts... Nothing scientific, AT ALL, just my own ramblings.
First of all I am going to generalize that there are two types of commitments toward not drinking:
1) The "I hate myself and how this feels" so I need to stop drinking to "FEEL" better.
2) The "I hate what this is doing to me and how I am acting" so I need to change and stopping the drink is the means to eliminating these actions from my life.
Type 1 probably actually feels both of the above, but the first is more dominant.
What glares out at me is how similar this is to the old "hate the sin, love the sinner" quote.
Type 1 is going to have a harder time quitting drinking because they expect not drinking to impact their emotional well being. Their emphasis about quitting is on them, the sinner. (I'm trying to use an analogy here, not sure if it's working.) They may be able to quit drinking for a few days but then all their emotions bubble up: insecurities such as self-worth, loneliness, self-loathing, relationship pressures....it's just too much! Of course drinking seems like a better alternative.
I've noticed also, for those who have posted lists about not drinking, there is a difference. People I would categorize as Type 1 from reading their blogs have lists that are generally all about feeling better as a person, emotionally. Type 2 lists are more about acting different. (Both lists will want to "feel better the next day" that's universal.) Type 1 have more deep-seated issues affecting them from their lives - issues with parents, social insecurities, negative childhood experiences, etc. Type 1 has a reason to drink!!
Type 2 will likely have an easier time quitting because their issue is quitting a habit, changing the outcome of their actions...controlling their actions for a physical result. They are fine with themselves as a person, the sinner, but they want to fix the sins. All the emotional stuff may not be a part of the quitting drinking. Certainly everyone has some emotions to deal with that wine dulled but I think the struggles are occurring more in folks that have some serious life issues to deal with on top of drinking.
Type 1 and Type 2 are all blogging together with no distinction. It's going to be much, much harder for a Type 1 to quit. They shouldn't look at a Type 2 who has managed to stop drinking and compare that to themselves, nor feel like automatic failures for continuing to struggle. Likewise a Type 2 can't look at a Type 1 and snap their fingers and just say "oh come on, get a grip." These are two very different worlds. The ways in which Type 1 and Type 2 need to quit may be very, very different.
This brings me to relapses....
A Type 1, I speculate, is going to be much more "all or nothing" in their approach. The degree of failure they feel when they break down (so to speak) and have a glass of wine, is devastating. It's natural to then say "F$&% it", I just drank, just screwed up, might as well keep going and drink the whole bottle. This, on top of the fact that it's just plain hard to stop once you start, is just a recipe for the person to keep drinking after that. Stopping again is just daunting.
A Type 2 person, again I speculate, might drink too much when they take that first sip due to the effect of the alcohol but may be more likely to say "oh poop, I just can't stop can I? I need to get back on the AF bus." They may try again and fail, try again and fail, and finally just say AF is the way for them. But once they make that decision, it's easier to maintain for the long haul because it is a logical choice. There isn't a huge emotional tie to self-confidence or self-worth, more just a frustration of something they can't control. So might as well take that out of the equation and not control it.
I think the emotional toolboxes for how Type 1 and Type 2 need to approach giving up alcohol must be pretty different. So maybe someone can give more thought (if anyone even agrees with this thinking....I could totally be in left field here but then again this is my blog) to how these toolboxes might vary for each type.
Just a very long and wordy thought for the day.
HD
I like your train of thought here, and I agree with you. I think it comes down to why you drank in the first place. Was it go gain self-esteem, hide insecurities, numb the pain? (type 1) or was it because you were at a party, tried it, decided it was fun, and just kept at it? (type 2) Here is what I am thinking from a scary point of view: I think you can start drinking as a type 2, but due to the many, many negative experiences that go with heavy drinking, morph into a type 1. Because the alcohol causes brain changes, depression, loss of income, loss of self-esteem, you can roll downhill into becoming someone else. The best part of this process for a type 2 turned into type 1 is that if things don't get too terrible, they can morph back into a type 2 when they stop drinking and continue with their lives. Type 1 people have legitimate reasons to drink, I agree. I have no such excuse ... no family background, no difficult childhood, no extra traumatic events. However, I descended into someone who did, to some degree. Sorry for the long post, but I found this very interesting. ; ) Thanks for making me think!!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you taking the time to comment, really great points. I was having trouble with the fact that the types still overlap in my mind and the tools for stopping drinking probably overlap but I needed to articulate some distinction. Your point that a person can start as Type 2 and move to Type 1 really hit home for me. That was the missing link I was looking for, thanks!
DeleteDefinitely food for thought!!! In reading about the different types, I recognized myself in both of them!!! (I really want to be a Type 2!) So, I think that I am a Type 3? some of both. I also think quitting is super hard for everyone, regardless of type. I think there are so many other factors involved as well...like how long have you drank? Even if you are a type 2 and you drank for 10+ years (me) because you drank for so long, you have forgotten how to deal with your emotions! And, for me at least, it is not like riding a horse! I have to relearn! No matter how you cut it...it is so hard!!! xo
ReplyDeleteI like Type 3! Yes, hard no matter how you slice it.
DeleteReally interesting. I am mostly type 1. What type are you? This reminds me of cigarette smoking. Those who had a habit they needed to break had an easier time quitting than those of us who smoked because it helped numb pain/fear/insecurity etc. No wonder it took me hundreds of times to quit.
ReplyDeleteTotally Type 2. Alcohol created my emotional issues. I'm a happy person. As you can tell....it's hard for me to speak up and voice my opinion....(hmm, that can be problematic too but not necessarily alcohol related....) Even when I drank 2 to 3 glasses at night, I would only be grouchy and tired because the alcohol kept me awake. If I drank too much more, I loathed myself for not remembering and felt stupid that I wasn't stopping when I started. I had more and more of those moments and it scared me more than it made me feel bad about myself. Now that I've stopped completely, all those bad feelings are gone. I feel accomplished and happy again. Still a bit stressed about some circumstances but would be anyway. Alcohol is a depressant for sure but when we use it drown out stress, it feels like it's making us "happy". It's not.
DeleteInteresting post! I think I am a bit of both. So maybe like SA53 said Type 3? At this point, I'm just glad I'm not drinking but I know I have a lot of emotional growth ahead. It's going to be a long road for me. A x
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to know which type you think all the bloggers are and what type they think they are and if they correlate!
ReplyDeleteYeh, I was just trying to get a handle on why some are struggling. It bothers me that we all blog together and that someone could read blogs of people having an easier time, and get deflated over it. Nobody deserves that. I was trying to figure out what the conditions are that make it seemingly tougher for some to quit than others. It's not strength of character or lack of strength.....it seems more like a certain mix of conditions.
DeleteIt's interesting, because in all of the blog reading that I have done, I have never thought that anybody had it easier than anybody else. I see some people start Day 1's over and over again. That was me for years...then one day it stuck. I was like all of those other people, I just didn't have a blog...but I think I've probably said way too many times, but here goes again.."In 10+ years of drinking, I never made it past a Day 1 until now." I was really like all of our blogging friends who are struggling. If it seems easier for me...it is..it's easier this time. All of the other times, I failed. xo
DeleteYes, it may just be as I said (and others) in previous posts....that we've all struggled in some way, it's just the "when" we started blogging was different timing and that can be deceiving. And I don't think you can say that too many times about the 10 years. This is so awesome that you made this stick!!! Where you are seems so far away from me.....Thank you for commenting! One of the nice things about blogging is just talking out loud and hearing others perspectives.
DeleteInteresting! I'm not sure I fit either type neatly but there's something of both types at work in my case. I definitely want to feel better as a result of not drinking but also know I need to behave differently to achieve that. Part of that behaviour involves being more consciously aware of the deeper emotions that might push me towards a drink. Does that make sense? For me the feeling and doing are intertwined.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm coming to think they are more intertwined than I stated but I feel there is a difference between alcohol induced emotionalism versus emotional issues that cause a need for alcohol. And yet I understand that it's like the "chicken or the egg" once we start drinking too much.
DeleteLove your analysis and thoughtfulness here, HD. I think Sober Miracle really hit on something in regards to Type 2 morphing into Type 1. That is so me. This kind of thinking is so interesting and helps me gain insight into the why of my drinking, thereby helping me with the stopping of my drinking. Thank you so much. <3 :)
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked the post. And don't worry, I think I am finally running the gamut of these random thoughts in my mind. Lol.
DeleteThis is a great post! I'm not sure where I fit- probably both. I think the process of quitting is relevant to each persons' own path or pathology. For example, I didn't start blogging until Inwas at Day 67. Except for a few fleeting cravings, the not drinking part hasn't been hard since I put that wine glass down. But, I spent years struggling! At least 10. And I've also had a lot of therapy in my adult life. Which was maybe prepping me for where I am now. I think everyone has issues- we just all deal with them differently- some of us are more inclined to let those issues lead us to growth and others keep fighting, ignoring kicking and screaming all the way. I've been in both places. There's the thought that "everything has led you to this moment."
ReplyDeleteI like that last quote. So true and so encompassing. Thanks!
DeleteI am definitely a type 1....I drink to cover all emotions, to check out, to NOT feel, to cope with everything! So yes, this will be hard for me and I will have to learn to deal with feelings (such a scary idea in itself). I do think you are spot on though. I will need a therapist and think I've found a good one, so for now it's one step in front of the other and trying to find myself and a peace with who I am! I am loving reading your blog and your insights :)
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have a therapist! It is easy to drink away our emotions isn't it? Good luck to you, I enjoy cheering you on. You're doing great trying to figure out all the complexities of this beast!
DeleteOh, I'm also the one with the blog "runningfromwine" :)
ReplyDelete