Butterflies

Day 12

Yes, still counting.  I've told myself that I will stop counting days and move towards less frequent blogging once I make it past Day 14 where I fell apart last time.   I am taking it day by day, though.  I think I'll just do whatever feels "right" for me.

I have to be honest.  I think I am doing really well and then I read all the other blogs and I get an upset stomach.  Like butterflies.  The wonderful women I read about who are still starting and stopping scare the crap out of me.  I'm one degree away from that myself.  I know that.  I feel my nails dig into my palms and just try to hold on.  On the other hand, the wonderful women (I don't mean to exclude the men it's just that I'm relating to personal shared experiences here as wives, mothers, etc.) that I read about who have made it a long time also scare me.  The concept of "forever" scares me.

I still don't want to think of myself as a non-drinker.  To me that means I really did have a problem and the thought of "recovery" as a label for my life scares me as well.  Someone mentioned that we all have to find our own way through this, find what works.

For me, I am choosing not to drink because I don't like how it feels.  I can drink any moment that I want to.  I can go buy wine any time I feel like it.  But I have 22 reasons why I don't want to do that.  I won't buy donuts because I don't like the sugar crash nor the weight gain. I do have a little chocolate every afternoon now.  I won't bungee jump or base jump or engage in really risky activities because I feel I have a responsibility to my son and others who love me.  (again, not putting down those who like those activities and need them, I just view it this way for me personally.)

I make choices every day.  I guess because alcohol IS a drug then I just have to give it time to withdraw from.  It's a stronger attraction than donuts, chocolate, and other things.  I can indulge in some things from time to time without over-indulging because they aren't drugs in the same sense.

I had my annual blood work today.  I have more butterflies from that.  In past years I would say "okay I can't drink tonight, annual blood tomorrow"...and then I would have a few.  I remember one year waking up hungover and thinking "oh geesh, I'm busted.".  I'm sure the doc will see something in my blood or urine.  Honestly, it was probably an indirect cry for help.  I guess they don't do a Blood Alcohol Content test from the blood .....they probably should.  Every year I dodged the bullet and was told "well, your blood work, my dear, is still perfect" and "I'll see you back in a year".  Phew I would think.  Celebrate with chardonnay that night then!

Sober Mummy wrote the following in a blog post last year:
Here's a quote from a doctor interviewed by The Guardian in 2008 about his female cirrhosis patients: "These are the steady drinkers. Typically they have a half-bottle of wine with their meal every night, or at lunchtime, and another drink at dinner. They are never drunk but they drink in a sustained manner. They don't realise they've got a problem because they think alcoholics are down-and-outs, or pub regulars. They have wine with  meal and because of that they somehow think that takes away the harm, or they say "but I don't drink spirits." These misconceptions are very common. I suspect there are thousands and thousands of women who are drinking at risky levels, all over the country."

Here I am, 12 days AF and I'm more worried than ever at what the results will show this year.  I've never been this long AF before such a test.  I have butterflies because, on the one hand, I hope the results are still good.  I hope I haven't screwed up my body too bad.  Then again, I'm afraid for good results.  I'm afraid that will give me false bravado and allow me to try drinking in moderation again.  I hate to say I'm sort of hoping for a little higher blood pressure and maybe a warning about my triglycerides and cholesterol! What a freak I am! Guess I won't know for a few weeks until my actual office visit to review everything.

On with my day!
HD