My Lists

Sunday, November 24, 2019

The "but, but, but, I WANT that" s

Me again.  I shouldn't be taking the time to blog...….then again maybe I need to.

Nelson commented on my last post "take good care of yourself, especially if you continue drinking".  How ironic.  What a true oxymoron.  Made me shake myself a bit.

I made it through last night.  Had a nice early dinner out with friends and it was just as fun with water.  I stuffed my face (we WERE using gift cards I had afterall) and waddled out back into the car.  I thought how nice it was to be driving us home on a Saturday night, defensively driving for drunks on the road, and feeling clear in the head.  We were so full we rolled right into bed by 8:30.  I SLEPT GREAT!!!

Again, tonight should be easy.  Hubs is working late so I know I will have cravings but he'll get home after them.

I am actually so tired of the effects of drinking that I think getting through to next Sunday will be doable.  Then I will really need to pull out some tools to get through the future.  Those 6 bottles of Chardonnay in my wine refrigerator will be calling like lost souls.  I know there is thought to getting rid of them.  Moving them somewhere.  But I want to learn to get beyond that.  I want to have wine here for friends who can drink normally.  I actually enjoy the hubs after he has a few glasses.  He actually gets buzzed faster than me now.  I don't weigh exactly what he does but he has leaned out so much it affects him more.

He opens up so much more with a glass or two and rarely drinks the whole bottle if I'm not drinking.  He will stop.  I don't.  I never do.  I have spent the last few months trying to stop at 2 glasses.  It's futile.  I have no problem not drinking too much when at a party or out for dinner.  I know that sounds odd but that's me.  It's at home where I just succumb to the beast.  I absolutely can't drink at home in a relaxing setting.

I could say here, okay I will only drink around friends or out for dinner but that seems to keep leading to drinking at home.

I want to examine why I really drink.  It really boils down to two reasons:
1) I like the taste of Chardonnay.
2) It does help me relax.

There are all these studies you can find about how "healthy" drinking, a glass a night, truly is healthy.  Well, of course it is.  If it helps a person relax, just the habit, the drinking of that one glass that in of itself doesn't provide a lot of ill effects, then, duh, a person might be healthier overall BECAUSE they are relaxed.  This doesn't seem like rocket science to me.  It's not really the alcohol so much as the process and the way the person "thinks" wine is helping them.

But when you start venturing beyond one or two a night, the research is certainly there to say it's a health hazard.  And if you are a person who CANNOT stop at one or two glasses, then I would say the verdict is in.  I can't do this safely.

I need to learn to tame the "but, but, but, I WANT that" voice.  Or at least acknowledge that's what is going on.

I tame it with other things.  I WANT that nicer car - umm, no, you can't afford that.  I WANT that donut - umm, no we are not stopping at Winchells nor Krispy Kreme.  I WANT that ice cream in my freezer - umm, no you can't afford those calories.

It always amazes me that this thought of "it will make you fat" goes through my head if I think of drinking a beer on a weekend afternoon, eating the ice cream bars that sit in my freezer for months,  eating all the cookies in the cookie jar (I do still sneak one a day), stopping at the cheesesteak fast food place, buying donuts or big bagels at the grocery store, even buying the big loaves of fresh bakery bread that smell so good.

I can pass all that by and then be absolutely compelled, just totally consumed about opening that bottle of white wine.  I get so grumpy if all we have is red.  I know I don't really like the taste of it and I know I will get heartburn.  I generally don't drink as much although if I get beyond glass 3 I don't taste it anymore.  It amazes me that I don't consider calories in this setting.

I think growing up I was conditioned that white wine was a lesser calorie alternative.  One 5oz glass of Chardonnay has about 120 calories.  One bottle has about 600 calories.  7 blocks of my favorite chocolate is 200 calories.

If I opt for the chocolate, I can have 200 calories and no strange effects and muscle through the wine craving or I can say I'm only going to have 5 oz of wine (lol, that's funny even writing) and have 120 calories.

I have been consuming an extra 600 fucking calories a night when I drink a full bottle.  No wonder I am getting fat!!  I should lose 400 calories by skipping wine and eating chocolate.  I should lose a lb after skipping just 8.5 nights of drinking. (400 x 8.5 = 3,500 calories.)  Okay, well maybe not exactly as it depends upon what I'm eating but they say every extra 3500 calories over what you are burning is a lb of weight gain.  Assuming I burn everything else I eat......not quite.....then I should lose weight by not drinking alone.

Okay, so that can't happen until diet is in order but I should at least slow down the weight gaining process.

The bottom line is that I like the taste and I like how relaxed I feel about the process of drinking.  I need to feel every bit of grumpiness as a sign that I am addicted.  Pushing through the cravings, working on my health overall will yield much more happiness than this place where I am at. It is STUPID to be so happy with everything else in my life and to feel bad about myself only because of alcohol and yet I continue imbibing.

Okay reading what I just wrote is amazing and scary at the same time.  Lord I feel like an idiot. I'm going to go get another cup of tea and go re-read the first 7 days of The Alcohol Experiment again.   Then getting to the gym for a workout.  Then working the rest of the day.  I WILL push through tonight.

Thanks for listening, thanks for the support.


Saturday, November 23, 2019

And again....

Wow, I really haven't blogged in a long time.  I have no idea who even reads this blog but whatever.  Why I feel compelled today, I have no idea.  This is the first time I've sat down in a long time with my cup of tea, early in the morning and am back at it.  Used to be such a habit at one time.

I really don't have this time luxury. I need to make this fast.  I guess I just feel the need to document where I am.

2015 - I identified I really have a problem and found an online universe where others did too.  I knew my drinking wasn't normal but it was my "need" to drink that really was the issue.  I was starting to feel physical effects: blackouts, gastritis, etc.

2016 - Got with the program, blogged, did 125 days, got into exercise, began working through some emotional issues, felt much better and went back to drinking but not like I had been.

2017 - Managed to drink without getting as many blackouts.  Still had moments feeling groggy in the morning, disrupted sleep.  Always hated myself after drinking.  Exercise fell by the wayside. Gained weight.  Finally got free of a lot of emotional baggage.  Peri-menopause hit full force.

2018 - Got into regular exercise at a minimum of 3 days a week.  Kept weight at same level.  Emotionally felt great.  Still drank regularly.  Peri-menopause still horrible.

2019 - Finally did 30 days again with Lia.  First time since 2016.  Uggh.  Finally realized I basically am a true functioning alcoholic even though I hate that label.  But I think it's true.  Am managing Peri-Menopause better.  Still struggling with diet, exercise and weight gain.

I turned 50 this fall.  I love my life in general:  Love my job, love my family, feel financially good and 9.5 years later I finally feel free of all baggage from my divorce. I have learned how to deal with the current hubs and am so much happier. But I hate my body and the fact that I relax with alcohol.  I REALLY do relax with it that's what stinks.  Hubs and I have fun conversation and, frankly, pardon the TMI, sometimes some awesome sex under the influence.  I don't drink too much with family or when out but at home I just let go.  I don't, however, need those nights of sleep disruption, dehydration, morning grogginess, my son noticing my "offness" sometimes, ill health effects and impact on exercise on diet.  

I notice that more and more I need the alcohol to relax during sex.  Because I hate my body.  Despite hubs loving it, being super complimentary, I am embarrassed of myself.  I need to learn to love my lumps and bumps and I have huge emotional issues around this from being raised by an overweight mother.  It's not that she was overweight that was the issue. I hate that she talks about how much exercise she does, when she doesn't, and about her diet which consists of her not eating much in front of family and then scarfing off everyone's plates as she does dishes.  All she cooks is carbs, carbs, carbs.  I never wanted to be like her and turning into her at my age is scaring the shit out of me.  She uses food, I use alcohol.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...….I've watched my whole life about her talking about being someone different weight-wise and I've been the same with alcohol....just talk, talk, talk, and no real commitment.

I feel stronger than in the past but that split personality that happens around 5pm is daunting and real. I really am battling a beast.

I still go to the gym at least 3 times a week but I need to get back into exercising daily.  The problem with gaining weight is that I can drink a bottle of wine a night without much issues.  More than that and I really feel it.  I was blacking out back in 2016 when I got to 3/4 of a bottle.  And I was 20 lbs lighter.

I hate that when I started my blog in 2016 THEN I wanted to lose 20 lbs.  Goodness.  Now it's 40.  My own fault.

I'm on Day 6 today.  Maybe I should keep blogging and look for support here.  Not sure.  So many of the blogs I follow are of people so far ahead of me.  I would love to be with others like me.  Lia is my sober buddy right now and I'm concerned I'll let her down.  That I'm really not committed.

I tend to blog after not drinking for a few days and then I drink.  I can see the cycle clearly. It's probably my way of trying to intervene and stop the mental struggle as I feel I want to drink again.

I was feeling great yesterday and sat down in the morning to work from home.  THEN the doorbell rang.....I had to sign for a box of 6 bottles of wine my hubs had ordered.  FFS.  I opened the box to put them in the wine cabinet and none of the whites were Chardonnay.  Now I was mad.  I only like Chardonnay and the hubs knows it.

See this?  I was upset he had even ordered the wine and then was irritated he didn't get what I liked.  Oh geez.  I texted him and he said he thought they might be good hostess/xmas gifts.  Okay....breathe.

And I did right up until the 15 BOTTLE carton of Naked Wines arrived at my front door and I also had to go out and sign for them.  Holy crap.  I put those away too.  Yep, about 7 Chardonnay and 1 Sauvignon Blanc.  Uggh.

I worked on my computer until about 8:45pm last night.  Husband was enjoying a new Pinot Noir.  He offered me a glass.  First I say yes then said no.  I just checked.  He has half a bottle left.  Sigh. That wouldn't be me.

Tonight will be okay.  We are going out to dinner with friends to a steakhouse.  She doesn't drink and he might have a beer. I won't drink because I'll drive and hubs can enjoy red.  When we get back it will be late so I won't want to open anything.

Tomorrow will be a test.  Hubs does have to work in late afternoon early evening so hopefully that helps.  I'm at my busiest season work wise so I think that will keep me from drinking then.

My son is out of town and we don't see him until Wed when we drive to meet him.  Monday after work will be tough.  I need to really pre-think that evening.

Writing this, I really think I can make it to Thanksgiving.  Then my family is there.  I wouldn't drink too much but I don't know if I can not drink at all.  I may just accept the wine and do the glass swapping with the hubs so he has two and nobody notices.

What I do know is that I am addicted to the thought of wine.  I have zero withdrawal effects when I stop.  I'm not moody if I don't drink, just a little bummed until the craving passes but then I'm back to my old self.  Why it is so hard to stay in this state, I don't know.  Just the brain workings I guess.

Oh well, back to my other computer and work.  I feel like I'm getting over the hump so that hopefully soon I can focus on cleaning my house and the holiday preparations.

Hugs to all those in my boat.