I started thinking about why I like blogging and I know it's because it's a way of getting my thoughts out of my head. When I'm not drinking, I feel blocked. Normally, sitting down with wine, relaxing, lets my thoughts flow and out flows the diarrhea in my head. My poor hubs. He listens pretty well. I thought of a blog post title this morning called "processing out loud". Then I thought, WAIT, I think I've done that before......
Quick search on my old posts and oh, look, yep already done that one back in 2016. PROCESSING OUT LOUD - 2016
I re-read it and deflated. I had nothing left to say on the topic. Lol. I had really said it all back then. The thoughts must have pushed down and bubbled up again. I really need to go back through my old blog posts. Clearly I haven't gotten off the merry go'round yet.
What I also enjoy about blogging, aside from spilling my own thoughts, is reading the thought provoking thoughts of others.
Functioningguzzler posted this quote on her blog the other day:
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” Maya Angelou
I hijacked this quote today because is really resonated with me. I have just been surviving. Not that I have a lot to have survived from other than just living, so perhaps I'm just having my own pity party. But those four points hit me hard:
Passion: I just don't have much right now. I do love my home and my family and I do really enjoy my job but I feel unfulfilled in some way. I've said this before but it's hard watching the hubs fulfill his passions. He always has one. It's been horses for the last two years and I envy him. Equine therapy is not to be underrated. But I want to get me some of that. Okay not sure if I want to leap into the horse thing. My poor body image is really getting in the way of my life. I feel like I need to lose 20 pounds or more to start riding. I don't. I am not fat. But that's how my mind works.
Compassion: And empathy. My issue is that I have soo much compassion and empathy it's overwhelming. I certainly think about things from my point of view but it's the empathy part that gets me. I so often put myself into the other person's shoes that, emotionally, it's rough. It's why I hate watching the news. I have to just numb myself to those thoughts. What this quote provoked today, however, is what can I do about this? I know I want to help others so why do I fear it? Why do I shy away from helping the disabled, why do I shy away from food kitchens? It's not that I don't feel bad for those folks, I feel terrible. Why, if I feel so badly for orphaned or fostered children, do I shy away from organizations where I could go help them? Why do I prefer to sit and clean books, or work in storerooms sorting clothes or just doing things that aren't people-oriented? I really want to explore this more.
Humor: Without drinking, sometimes I feel a loss of humor. I get so bummed out without having the wine to look forward to. I get kind of grumpy. I start looking at the negative side of things and not counting my blessings. I don't want to be negatively sarcastic and have that act as my sense of humor. I want to be jubilant and fun. Need to explore this more too.
Style: Oh, what to say about style. I've totally lost my sense of style. Putting on the extra weight just gave me a "why bother" attitude. I dress stylishly sometimes. But shorts and a tshirt or tank top, skorts and tshirt/tank, jeans and tshirt/tank, sweats and tshirt/tank are my go to items. So boring. I look at other moms at sporting events and just sigh. Even they can manage to look stylish at baseball. Being stylish at baseball certainly doesn't matter, what I'm wearing is fine. It's just being conscious of my day to day routine that seems so boring. And who really cares about style, what does it mean? At the end of the day does it really matter what we wear? Well.....only if we care. Uggh...not even sure where I am on this one, just feeling somewhat lacking. Again, I feel like I'd even look better in what I DO wear if I only lost weight. So weight focused....yuck.
Well, that's my morning spillway of thoughts. Time to get moving but good to get it out of my head. Of all of the above, I really want to focus on the first two. They may go together.
Finding a purpose that works with my empathy, working beyond my fears, may just become my passion!