Interestingly enough I found this. Bingo!
Shame: a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards. Given that shame can lead us to feel as though our whole self is flawed, bad or subject to exclusion, it motivates us to hide, or to do something to save face. So it is no wonder that shame avoidance can lead to withdrawal or to addictions that attempt to mask it's impact. (psychologytoday.com, 4/4/11, article by Maria C. Lamia, PhD)
I never considered that I feel shame because I don't really feel inadequate nor unworthy nor disconnected. In fact, I love helping people who feel that way about themselves, to help them work through and to get over those feelings. But!!! My life is a whole cookie jar of "wish I had done this instead" and I think I'm finally getting around to admitting it.
I think the guilt I harbor over being lucky in some ways has masked the regret I have in my life that things could be even better. How can I have feelings of regret when so many others have not been as fortunate? Maybe even this guilt is part of my shame.
I realize that I need to come to terms with my thoughts of "failing to meet my own standards" for my life. I need to forgive myself for those thoughts. It's okay that, even though I have a nice life, I can feel that I would have done a lot of things different. I need to forgive myself for taking the easier route sometimes and not challenging myself more. But, maybe just but, I can learn to channel these feelings and to focus them into something of purpose. I'm excited!
First, however, I need to do some work.
I found this article below that I think gives me some simple steps to follow. I'm going to spend some time mapping out my regrets and dealing with them. Not sure I'll share all on this blog but I thought this framework was worth posting in case anyone else reading feels similarly.
One thing I will share is that I have such conflicting emotions about my first marriage. Even while being in love in a second. Those thoughts plague me often. I think they are thoughts of regret, of not being able to keep a marriage together, of not being able to have kept my vision going of what things should have been like. So even though I'm better suited to my current guy, I don't harbor romantic thoughts of my ex, just familial love, I still haven't fully let go of what happened. All these years later, wow.
So I shall begin the work by following the below.
Appropriately on my Day 10, here are 10 steps from an article at mindbodygreen.com. I am especially looking forward to writing down some re-dos and classifying my regrets into patterns of behavior to give more thought to!
10 Ways To Forgive Yourself & Let Go Of The Past
Have you ever noticed how you can hold on to past mistakes long after they occurred? Some of us hold on to things for years!
Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen over night and the process will be different for everyone. But no matter how long it takes, there's hope! Here are some steps you can take toward that journey:
1. Become clear on your morals and values as they are right now.
The reason most of us feel guilt or shame for actions done in the past is because those actions are not in line with our current morals and values. Our past wrongs can actually clue us in to what we hold important. By identifying our morals and values, we start to get a clearer picture as to “why” we're hurting over what we've done, or what others did to us.
2. Realize that the past is the past.
This seems fairly straightforward, but when we can really wrap our head around the fact that we can’t undo the past, the past is done, those things happened, we open ourselves up to more acceptance. Increased acceptance can lead to the emotional healing we are all looking for.
3. Create a “re-do.”
Never underestimate the power of a “re-do”. Write down how you would have done things differently if you could go back and do it again. In doing so, we affirm that we not only learned from our past mistake, but that if we had the skills we have now, back then, we would have done things differently.
4. Realize you did the best you could at the time.
The way we respond depends on the skills we have, the frame of mind we’re in, and how we perceive the situation at that moment. Maybe we didn’t have as much objectivity, or acted out of survival or protection mode. Maybe we'd let stressbuild up, which put us at a higher risk of responding poorly. Whatever the factors, cut yourself a break. If you learn from it, it was never in vain.
5. Start acting in accordance with your morals and values.
The best thing you can do for yourself in order to forgive is start replacing the negative behavior and thoughts with more appropriate ones that are congruous with your morals and values. By so doing, you reaffirm to yourself that you can handle situations in the way you want to. This can lead to a sense of pride, which is a huge part of building self-esteem.
6. Identify your biggest regrets.
When I work with clients on moving on from their past, it can be very overwhelming for them because they see so many regrets. It's often helpful to categorize these things because people often only hold on to a handful of big categories/patterns. Working on patterns of behavior is often more helpful than working on individual regrets.
7. Tackle the big ones.
There may be some regrets that don’t seem to improve, and they’re going to require some extra work. I call it “clearing your conscience.” This means it might take bringing this regret into the room and apologizing for your past mistake.
8. Turn the page.
At some point, you have to accept that the past has happened and you’ve done everything in your power to amend past mistakes. It’s now time to turn the page and accept those events as part of your story. They've all contributed to making you who you are. Being grateful for those experiences allows you to move on and truly forgive yourself.
9. Cut yourself some slack.
When we learned how to ride a bike, most of us realized it would probably take a few tries before achieving perfection. New behavior and thinking patterns are no different. They're both skills. Cut yourself some slack while you’re on a new learning curve. Realize that you’re going to make mistakes. We all do.
10. Move toward self-love.
The last step in building self-esteem is moving toward loving yourself. Think kind thoughts toward yourself and show yourself some compassion. If we can learn to think of ourselves as our best friend, to speak to ourselves with love and kindness, and put ourselves as a priority, it reaffirms that we believe we are worth it. Engage in psychotherapy or coaching if you need some outside perspective in this area. Seek books on this subject. Surround yourself with supportive people.
You are more than your past mistakes, and I promise you, you are so worth it!!
I'm learning from you; you are pushing forward; thank you for sharing the 10 points above. ll
ReplyDeleteCool, thx for letting me know. Day 11 today!
DeleteI think if you look at the 12 steps that this is what step 4 is really about,
ReplyDeleteRecognizing where we take the blame for things that aren’t ours...and accepting responsibility for what is.
The women’s way through the 12 steps is an excellent guide. It’s for any 12 step program and has some useful thoughts.