Multiple Day 1s

When I first started following blogs, I was surprised at the number of times people tried to quit and then didn't succeed....only to then start again and stop again.  I thought, frankly, I was above that.  That once I put my mind to it I could do it!

Ha!

The first time I tried to quit I made it 2 weeks, saw how easily I blew it, regrouped and went 125 days.  Then, I have never gone a full 30 since.  Lots of stops and starts.

I think the reason this is a process is that the mind doesn't switch positions on a dime. To think you'll quit forever your first time out is ambitious, maybe too much so.

I hear that someone who is an alcoholic and takes on that label, who gives up alcohol "forever", will fight it unless their mindset changes as a part of the process.  It's why some folks relapse after years.

I'd rather do this slowly, in increments, and get the mind changed. But I also understand that I need time away from alcohol to change my perspective, that if I don't take that time, continual starts and stops will be inevitable.  Just read other blogs of those 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, or more out.  You can see the mindset changes.

I have to want to be without wine more than having the wine, have to want my life alcohol free as a priority.  (Check! I know I would prefer this.  I don't "want" to drink anymore, at all, I know it's unhealthy, way too unhealthy)

I have to understand that my subconscious brain, despite what conscious brain is now thinking about alcohol, will keep wanting wine for awhile and I need to work through the F-it moments.  (Haven't been doing so well here!)

I used to be guilty of thinking there were health benefits to wine.  That it was grown up.  That it was a necessary part of socializing.  It was what people did at the end of the day to unwind.

Well, with alcohol I don't just unwind......I become unwound....I WANT to be un-wined instead.

In other words, again, this isn't about wishing I could drink normally.  I don't enjoy drinking if I have to stop at 1 glass.  After 1 glass or even 2, when I stop (usually in social situations), then I get home and think about all the wasted calories.  Why did I drink at all?  I didn't get buzzed, didn't even feel numb.  I wasn't in a situation where I could drink more...….how boring.

I'm not someone who wants only 1 glass or 2.  I really don't like the taste.  Probably because I buy cheap, awful wine.  (Now some pride themselves on buying really good tasting, inexpensive wine - and that is awesome - but, frankly, that's not my focus anymore.)

So I know I would prefer to not have alcohol because small quantities no longer do it for me.  I need a full bottle or forget it.  When I say I want to drink, I want a bottle or nothing.  But a full bottle a night is a horrible habit!

Why can't I be addicted to exercise and vegetables???  My hubs is.  Maybe that's why he handles alcohol better.  I am addicted to sugar (which alcohol satisfies and when not drinking I eat sugary foods instead), I am addicted to lack of exercise, addicted to cleaning (strangely enough not OCD, just enjoy cleaning over exercise), and laundry.  I'll do all of that in a heartbeat.

But here's one "go me" note:  I am now doing strength training 3 times a week and Pilates 1 time a week.  A year ago I wasn't doing any of this and now it's becoming a habit.  I am looking forward to adding other exercise options and making it a habit of my daily life.  I also need different food habits.

Oh well, here's to attempting 30 again and this time Lia Leon is my sober buddy.  It's nice to have that accountability.

HD