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Sunday, November 24, 2019

The "but, but, but, I WANT that" s

Me again.  I shouldn't be taking the time to blog...….then again maybe I need to.

Nelson commented on my last post "take good care of yourself, especially if you continue drinking".  How ironic.  What a true oxymoron.  Made me shake myself a bit.

I made it through last night.  Had a nice early dinner out with friends and it was just as fun with water.  I stuffed my face (we WERE using gift cards I had afterall) and waddled out back into the car.  I thought how nice it was to be driving us home on a Saturday night, defensively driving for drunks on the road, and feeling clear in the head.  We were so full we rolled right into bed by 8:30.  I SLEPT GREAT!!!

Again, tonight should be easy.  Hubs is working late so I know I will have cravings but he'll get home after them.

I am actually so tired of the effects of drinking that I think getting through to next Sunday will be doable.  Then I will really need to pull out some tools to get through the future.  Those 6 bottles of Chardonnay in my wine refrigerator will be calling like lost souls.  I know there is thought to getting rid of them.  Moving them somewhere.  But I want to learn to get beyond that.  I want to have wine here for friends who can drink normally.  I actually enjoy the hubs after he has a few glasses.  He actually gets buzzed faster than me now.  I don't weigh exactly what he does but he has leaned out so much it affects him more.

He opens up so much more with a glass or two and rarely drinks the whole bottle if I'm not drinking.  He will stop.  I don't.  I never do.  I have spent the last few months trying to stop at 2 glasses.  It's futile.  I have no problem not drinking too much when at a party or out for dinner.  I know that sounds odd but that's me.  It's at home where I just succumb to the beast.  I absolutely can't drink at home in a relaxing setting.

I could say here, okay I will only drink around friends or out for dinner but that seems to keep leading to drinking at home.

I want to examine why I really drink.  It really boils down to two reasons:
1) I like the taste of Chardonnay.
2) It does help me relax.

There are all these studies you can find about how "healthy" drinking, a glass a night, truly is healthy.  Well, of course it is.  If it helps a person relax, just the habit, the drinking of that one glass that in of itself doesn't provide a lot of ill effects, then, duh, a person might be healthier overall BECAUSE they are relaxed.  This doesn't seem like rocket science to me.  It's not really the alcohol so much as the process and the way the person "thinks" wine is helping them.

But when you start venturing beyond one or two a night, the research is certainly there to say it's a health hazard.  And if you are a person who CANNOT stop at one or two glasses, then I would say the verdict is in.  I can't do this safely.

I need to learn to tame the "but, but, but, I WANT that" voice.  Or at least acknowledge that's what is going on.

I tame it with other things.  I WANT that nicer car - umm, no, you can't afford that.  I WANT that donut - umm, no we are not stopping at Winchells nor Krispy Kreme.  I WANT that ice cream in my freezer - umm, no you can't afford those calories.

It always amazes me that this thought of "it will make you fat" goes through my head if I think of drinking a beer on a weekend afternoon, eating the ice cream bars that sit in my freezer for months,  eating all the cookies in the cookie jar (I do still sneak one a day), stopping at the cheesesteak fast food place, buying donuts or big bagels at the grocery store, even buying the big loaves of fresh bakery bread that smell so good.

I can pass all that by and then be absolutely compelled, just totally consumed about opening that bottle of white wine.  I get so grumpy if all we have is red.  I know I don't really like the taste of it and I know I will get heartburn.  I generally don't drink as much although if I get beyond glass 3 I don't taste it anymore.  It amazes me that I don't consider calories in this setting.

I think growing up I was conditioned that white wine was a lesser calorie alternative.  One 5oz glass of Chardonnay has about 120 calories.  One bottle has about 600 calories.  7 blocks of my favorite chocolate is 200 calories.

If I opt for the chocolate, I can have 200 calories and no strange effects and muscle through the wine craving or I can say I'm only going to have 5 oz of wine (lol, that's funny even writing) and have 120 calories.

I have been consuming an extra 600 fucking calories a night when I drink a full bottle.  No wonder I am getting fat!!  I should lose 400 calories by skipping wine and eating chocolate.  I should lose a lb after skipping just 8.5 nights of drinking. (400 x 8.5 = 3,500 calories.)  Okay, well maybe not exactly as it depends upon what I'm eating but they say every extra 3500 calories over what you are burning is a lb of weight gain.  Assuming I burn everything else I eat......not quite.....then I should lose weight by not drinking alone.

Okay, so that can't happen until diet is in order but I should at least slow down the weight gaining process.

The bottom line is that I like the taste and I like how relaxed I feel about the process of drinking.  I need to feel every bit of grumpiness as a sign that I am addicted.  Pushing through the cravings, working on my health overall will yield much more happiness than this place where I am at. It is STUPID to be so happy with everything else in my life and to feel bad about myself only because of alcohol and yet I continue imbibing.

Okay reading what I just wrote is amazing and scary at the same time.  Lord I feel like an idiot. I'm going to go get another cup of tea and go re-read the first 7 days of The Alcohol Experiment again.   Then getting to the gym for a workout.  Then working the rest of the day.  I WILL push through tonight.

Thanks for listening, thanks for the support.


Saturday, November 23, 2019

And again....

Wow, I really haven't blogged in a long time.  I have no idea who even reads this blog but whatever.  Why I feel compelled today, I have no idea.  This is the first time I've sat down in a long time with my cup of tea, early in the morning and am back at it.  Used to be such a habit at one time.

I really don't have this time luxury. I need to make this fast.  I guess I just feel the need to document where I am.

2015 - I identified I really have a problem and found an online universe where others did too.  I knew my drinking wasn't normal but it was my "need" to drink that really was the issue.  I was starting to feel physical effects: blackouts, gastritis, etc.

2016 - Got with the program, blogged, did 125 days, got into exercise, began working through some emotional issues, felt much better and went back to drinking but not like I had been.

2017 - Managed to drink without getting as many blackouts.  Still had moments feeling groggy in the morning, disrupted sleep.  Always hated myself after drinking.  Exercise fell by the wayside. Gained weight.  Finally got free of a lot of emotional baggage.  Peri-menopause hit full force.

2018 - Got into regular exercise at a minimum of 3 days a week.  Kept weight at same level.  Emotionally felt great.  Still drank regularly.  Peri-menopause still horrible.

2019 - Finally did 30 days again with Lia.  First time since 2016.  Uggh.  Finally realized I basically am a true functioning alcoholic even though I hate that label.  But I think it's true.  Am managing Peri-Menopause better.  Still struggling with diet, exercise and weight gain.

I turned 50 this fall.  I love my life in general:  Love my job, love my family, feel financially good and 9.5 years later I finally feel free of all baggage from my divorce. I have learned how to deal with the current hubs and am so much happier. But I hate my body and the fact that I relax with alcohol.  I REALLY do relax with it that's what stinks.  Hubs and I have fun conversation and, frankly, pardon the TMI, sometimes some awesome sex under the influence.  I don't drink too much with family or when out but at home I just let go.  I don't, however, need those nights of sleep disruption, dehydration, morning grogginess, my son noticing my "offness" sometimes, ill health effects and impact on exercise on diet.  

I notice that more and more I need the alcohol to relax during sex.  Because I hate my body.  Despite hubs loving it, being super complimentary, I am embarrassed of myself.  I need to learn to love my lumps and bumps and I have huge emotional issues around this from being raised by an overweight mother.  It's not that she was overweight that was the issue. I hate that she talks about how much exercise she does, when she doesn't, and about her diet which consists of her not eating much in front of family and then scarfing off everyone's plates as she does dishes.  All she cooks is carbs, carbs, carbs.  I never wanted to be like her and turning into her at my age is scaring the shit out of me.  She uses food, I use alcohol.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...….I've watched my whole life about her talking about being someone different weight-wise and I've been the same with alcohol....just talk, talk, talk, and no real commitment.

I feel stronger than in the past but that split personality that happens around 5pm is daunting and real. I really am battling a beast.

I still go to the gym at least 3 times a week but I need to get back into exercising daily.  The problem with gaining weight is that I can drink a bottle of wine a night without much issues.  More than that and I really feel it.  I was blacking out back in 2016 when I got to 3/4 of a bottle.  And I was 20 lbs lighter.

I hate that when I started my blog in 2016 THEN I wanted to lose 20 lbs.  Goodness.  Now it's 40.  My own fault.

I'm on Day 6 today.  Maybe I should keep blogging and look for support here.  Not sure.  So many of the blogs I follow are of people so far ahead of me.  I would love to be with others like me.  Lia is my sober buddy right now and I'm concerned I'll let her down.  That I'm really not committed.

I tend to blog after not drinking for a few days and then I drink.  I can see the cycle clearly. It's probably my way of trying to intervene and stop the mental struggle as I feel I want to drink again.

I was feeling great yesterday and sat down in the morning to work from home.  THEN the doorbell rang.....I had to sign for a box of 6 bottles of wine my hubs had ordered.  FFS.  I opened the box to put them in the wine cabinet and none of the whites were Chardonnay.  Now I was mad.  I only like Chardonnay and the hubs knows it.

See this?  I was upset he had even ordered the wine and then was irritated he didn't get what I liked.  Oh geez.  I texted him and he said he thought they might be good hostess/xmas gifts.  Okay....breathe.

And I did right up until the 15 BOTTLE carton of Naked Wines arrived at my front door and I also had to go out and sign for them.  Holy crap.  I put those away too.  Yep, about 7 Chardonnay and 1 Sauvignon Blanc.  Uggh.

I worked on my computer until about 8:45pm last night.  Husband was enjoying a new Pinot Noir.  He offered me a glass.  First I say yes then said no.  I just checked.  He has half a bottle left.  Sigh. That wouldn't be me.

Tonight will be okay.  We are going out to dinner with friends to a steakhouse.  She doesn't drink and he might have a beer. I won't drink because I'll drive and hubs can enjoy red.  When we get back it will be late so I won't want to open anything.

Tomorrow will be a test.  Hubs does have to work in late afternoon early evening so hopefully that helps.  I'm at my busiest season work wise so I think that will keep me from drinking then.

My son is out of town and we don't see him until Wed when we drive to meet him.  Monday after work will be tough.  I need to really pre-think that evening.

Writing this, I really think I can make it to Thanksgiving.  Then my family is there.  I wouldn't drink too much but I don't know if I can not drink at all.  I may just accept the wine and do the glass swapping with the hubs so he has two and nobody notices.

What I do know is that I am addicted to the thought of wine.  I have zero withdrawal effects when I stop.  I'm not moody if I don't drink, just a little bummed until the craving passes but then I'm back to my old self.  Why it is so hard to stay in this state, I don't know.  Just the brain workings I guess.

Oh well, back to my other computer and work.  I feel like I'm getting over the hump so that hopefully soon I can focus on cleaning my house and the holiday preparations.

Hugs to all those in my boat.


Saturday, August 10, 2019


2 things have resonated with me over the last week:

1) StrugglesWithAlcohol wrote once something like "I don't always drink like an alcoholic but I do always think like one"

I've been re-reading her blog that she started in 2011.  She's about 8 years ahead of me in blogging but I could have started writing what she wrote back then as well.  I just didn't drift into the blogging world until 2016.  She wrote a POST back in 2018 that hit me hard.  It's worth a read if you've been stuck in this endless cycle of drinking and not drinking.  I keep gravitating back to it and reading again.

It's funny, she probably never meant that her words would change anyone's life.  I read so many inspirational things on these blogs and I appreciate everyone's contributions.  So many tidbits have "hit" me in the face over the years, such amazing and profound thoughts.  Her post is my latest morsel to chew on.  It was so "in my face" about what I feel that I almost took a virtual step back and got dizzy reading it.

I embarked on a new phase on Tuesday.  Today is Saturday.  Only Day 5 today, but still, it IS Day 5! Woot woot.

2) I love quotes attributed to Thomas Edison.  I saw this one online the other day....."I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don't work."

True dat.

I'm hoping I'm on attempt 10,001 and not 5,000 or something.  Yikes!  

But I'm feeling good today and that's what counts. I'm well rested, still exercising, not eating very well (but still work in progress), and feeling pretty happy overall.... happy in my relationships I have and accepting of those I don't have anymore.  Trying to practice more gratitude and laughing more when things go wrong beyond my control.

I'll end with my other favorite Thomas Edison quotes.  Always good reminders!

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Thomas A. Edison 

“The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.”
Thomas A. Edison 

“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this - you haven't.”
Thomas Edison 

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
Thomas Edison

“Negative results are just what I want. They’re just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”
Thomas A. Edison 

Dude was wise.

Happy Saturday.


Saturday, July 27, 2019

Like watching Nascar

It's strange, posting today.  I'm not that into blogging right now.  But I know I check out some blogs and like to see how people are doing.

I think I've written this before.....deja vu......But, in the early stages I felt like my blog lurking was more like watching the Indy 500.  Was I really watching for the crash or was I watching for the different racing techniques, and to see who won?  Sometimes I wasn't sure.  As I struggled, it did give me a perverse warm fuzzy when I saw someone who had been sober fall off the wagon.

But as I've struggled over the years I realize it's more than that now.  Now I'm cheering others on so that they win with whatever their goals are be them moderation or total sobriety.  My heart hurts when someone truly crashes, especially if they feel bad about themselves because of it.  I am inspired by blogs of those succeeding in their lives, inspired by quotes they post, inspired by thoughts they dive into.

I no longer look at blogs to search for the negative, to justify myself.  I look to blogs to inspire me to be a better person in many ways even more than in regard to alcohol.  I've become a bit addicted to this universe.  If I'm not careful I would spend too much time here.  So I no longer do.  I very quickly check the feed for blogs I follow.  Sometimes I read in depth, sometimes I just peruse, sometimes I comment.

I felt a need today to just check in.  I do seem to outwardly commit and then let myself fail.  My failures, though, nowadays, seem to be just "sighs".  A "dang it", shouldn't have done that, followed by a get back up on my feet.  No real drunk moments, no real hangovers, can't remember the last time I drank and had a headache the next day.  But definitely still too many "I shouldn't have drunk that much" times.

It's still work in progress.  If I get somewhere I'll let you know but for now know that I'm trying, feeling okay.  Actually I feel great.  I should say that.  I have integrated exercise into my life as someone who hated exercise.  If you look at the full web version of this page you can see other pages I post from time to time and there is one there of my exercise log.  I don't know if it would help anyone but if you hate exercise, there is hope.

I've heard it takes 3 months to change a habit.  As I come to the end of my 3rd month of trying to daily exercise, I feel a change.  I now feel I have to fit something in, whatever it is.  I put no pressure on myself as to what but I have a huge desire now to just do something.  And I enjoy it when I do it which is the biggest change.  For me I had to incorporate accountability.  I work with a trainer 3 times a week and go to Pilates twice a week.  I can rest a day and then do something else, anything else the other days.  I'm about to drop the trainer down to 2 days to keep learning how to exercise on my own.

I'm also really happy in my relationship with the hubs, so calm now, so accepting.  I think exercise and some mindfulness have helped in that regard, some gratitude exercises.   I still lose to the stress monster sometimes but I don't sit with him for too long.   Instead I try to work through the stress and turn it back into something positive.

I'm fortunate that, as someone who needs external accountability for things, that I can afford the trainer and pilates right now.  Okay, well, I really can't but I'm prioritizing it.  I haven't bought that many clothes or shoes in a very long time!  I do feel pretty good financially now.  My own income has come back up and the hubs is making a major career change soon that I think will work out well for us.  Fingers crossed.

My mood is awesome.  Sure I have low moments but I have great, wonderful moments.  I'm not happy with my body but I'm more patient and diligent about getting there someday to where I am.  Turning 50 this year has made me face a lot in my 49th year.  As I get closer to my birthday I feel that I have worked through a lot this year in regard to aging.  I guess just becoming more accepting of it.

I want to continue to work on exercise, eating better, and spirituality development.  I am still working on the alcohol but I'm trying not to let it be the obsession it has been.  I didn't do well this past week.  Went for a week without drinking and then did.  Nothing big, just did.  Then did again, then finished the bottle the next night.

What I hate is that I don't drink or really need to drink unless I start drinking.  I have been better about keeping cravings at bay.  The "must have a drink" isn't that strong.  I cave to the "hmm, might be nice, let's just have one".  And then, of course, I never have one, I have four.

I do wonder if there is some accountability I can set up.  I do have that friend who proclaims she almost always has one, maybe two but never more than two because she can't handle it. Tells everyone.  My problem is that I only drink too much at home, with hubs.  I don't drink too much with others around and I don't drink anymore by myself.  Making the hubs my alcohol police isn't really fair to him so I would have to figure out other incentives.  Or just quit entirely.

For now I'll just keep trying for full sobriety and see where it leads me.

I leave you with this: (click it)  HANGOVER HEAVEN   I really have no words.  So sad this exists.  So glad this is not the state I'm in no matter how much I struggle with the difference between 1 glass and 4.  One of the reviewers has "been going there since the start".  OMG  Start of what?  Their office?  Which is what I think she meant.  But how often would one need their services?  Scary.  I don't mean to be judgy of anyone who is hurting so bad they need their services and want to quit.  My heart goes out to those of you.  I'm thinking of those who are giving zero thought to their drinking, to their health, who think it's hilarious to go out and get so ill that they need IV treatment the next day.  I am sure THEY are not on these blogs.  Unfortunately they are likely on our roads......


Friday, July 19, 2019

Drinking, Driving, and/or ??????

"Mom sentenced to nine years in prison for DWI crash that killed 5 year old daughter."

I was just heading to bed last night, on yet another Day 5, and I happened to look at my phone.  I followed my normal path......checked my online scrabble games, flipped through facebook feed real quick and then skimmed headlines.

THAT headline caught my eye.

Samantha Jones, 32,  had been to a party and posted pictures of full wine glasses, a pic of her and her daughter and #momsneeddrinks.  She had drunk one and half to two bottles of wine in 3 1/2 hours and her blood alcohol was .186. She was driving home at 9pm and lost control of her car.  The rear passenger side hit a telephone pole and broke it into two.

She told police she never drank that much.  That her baby was her world.  She didn't care if she went to jail but wanted her baby to be okay.  Her daughter was sitting in that back passenger seat and suffered a head injury, dying within 3 days.

My first thought was "wow, I don't think I've ever drunk 2 bottle of wine that fast".  My second thought was "how on earth will she live with herself?"  While a lot of stuff can happen to our lives that is beyond our control, this moment was within her power to have not happened.

But all the remainder thoughts I had through the night were my own "what ifs".  Maybe I've never driven after 2 bottles of wine but I know there have been a few where I've driven after a bottle drunk over a few hours.  But 4 drinks in 2 hours for 185lb female is .091.  DUI in my state.

I remember a few times where I was talking to myself the whole way home, convincing myself I was coherent to drive the short drive home or quick run to the store for more wine.

I scared myself good, you see, when I was 23.  Newly married and a husband gone on a long trip, I drank with a friend one evening, on a worknight no less.  I vaguely remember getting home and going to bed.  It was a 25 minute drive home.  I was pretty hungover but still made it to work on time for an early morning meeting.  I must have looked like hell but nobody said anything.  It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I ever drove under the influence again.

I think I can count on one hand the number of times I have but it just takes once!  If I hadn't made it home at 23 my family would have been devastated and my son would not be.

There are so many things in life beyond our control.  I worry enough about something happening to someone I love.  Why on earth have I been poisoning myself with a possibility of contributing to something tragic?  Tragic might be defined as something happening to them or even to me via an accident or health/illness.

I think of those times I had too much at night and don't remember going to bed.  What if my son had slipped in the shower and hit his head and I didn't hear him call out?  What if I tripped and fell and hit my own head?  What if I forgot and left my dog outside and he jumped the fence and got hit by a car?  All of these things could happen on their own, accidentally, but to maybe have been able to prevent something, intervened, but not physically been able to because of drinking?  I don't know how I would live with myself.

Accidents strike, people get ill, tragedies happen.  But I don't want any of that to be by my own hand.  You think about how many murders occur due to alcohol, it's scary.

It occurred to me to wonder if this Smithville, MO woman was on our blogs.  Every time I find a blog I want to check in on, I add it to my list.  It's up to 74.  Not all are active but I leave them on the list in case a blogger comes back, I don't want to miss them.  It's like catching up with old friends.  So I wonder if she is one of them.  Probably not.  I don't think by the time we get to this place of blogging and attempting to quit that we would still be posting on facebook about the glory of wine.  Wine memes make me cringe now.  I'm uncomfortable when I hear someone talk about needing wine.  She may have truly been a fairly responsible normal drinker and therefore wasn't focused on the drinking and driving aspect.  I'm a problem drinker.  She may not have faced that she was.  Or she just might not have been until that day.  We'll never know.

Sorry to be a downer but as I went to bed last night I overwhelmed myself with the what if's from all my drinking episodes up until now.  Took a long time to go to sleep and I had very scattered and vivid dreams.  I think it's important to write this down because this will be a post I can refer back to when I get a craving.

I'm not taking a break from drinking this time.  I feel like I am a non drinker.  The hubs and I talked about how it will be nice to get to a place where we can sit and chat and not feel grumpy because we have no wine in hand.  I guess it's like the smoker who smokes while drinking coffee in the morning. It will just take time.  I am in the health business and have clients, more and more regularly now, who say they don't drink, smoke or do any drugs.  They could be lying but they look so good I don't think so.  They may have had issues in the past which make them proclaim it now out loud but it's refreshing to hear.  I want to be like that, where I can say that.

This time I'm not having huge cravings yet but I'm also not trying to recreate the same life without alcohol.  I have alcohol free wine on hand for me to drink this weekend with family here but I'm not gravitating toward a replacement drink in the evening.  I may be guilty of an extra Diet Coke during the day but if 2 of those per day keeps me going, I'm good with that.  I'm eating healthier and avoiding too many sweets.  I'm still exercising.  Hubs is doing all the cooking while we have no kids around and I'm keeping busy with housekeeping right up through dinner.  We are talking at dinner and not before.  After dinner with a full belly I am good to go.  Ready to relax with a book and a cup of decaf tea.

This is a post I'm bookmarking for myself to come back to, over and over.

Happy Friday,

Monday, July 15, 2019

Hello Blog

I took a blog breather.  I've been trying to do less social media as well although that hasn't been as successful.

What has gone well is my offline communication with fellow blogger, Lia.  Over the past month we have both gotten in touch with our feelings about drinking while drinking.  We're both ready for another good long stint of not drinking, maybe this time forever.

As Lia put it to me, she wants to get "to the other side" of not drinking.  That point we all read about. The depressing thought is that that point can take many months if not years.  But it will be so worth it, we both think.

I've thought a lot about taking that first drink.  I've realized that the first two drinks help me cope with my life but the rest just encourage me to lose it.  If I ever stopped at two drinks I probably wouldn't have any hang ups about drinking.  I might feel a little relaxed and mellow.  I probably wouldn't feel guilty about my drinking.

I know folks who would tell me that I don't really have any issues.  So what that I like to mellow out at night? So what if I drink more than the recommended amount?  I realize, though, that those folks who are likely to tell me I don't have a problem with drinking are likely to be ones that have some inappropriate relationship with alcohol themselves.

The bottom line is that I think about drinking/not drinking all the time.  I have to say this obsession over the past years has taken my mind off obsessing about other things.  I think it really gave me time to heal a bit.  Unfortunately it may also have let me push aside things I need to deal with.  But if that's the case then I need to deal with them anyways.

It's time to be done.  Whether I can "handle" my wine or not isn't the issue any more.  It's no longer fun to think about it, to beat myself up about it, to have anxiety about it, to obsess about it.  That isn't normal.

I want to get to that other side too so here I go.  Hubs is joining me for the most part.  He'll drink with my family when they come to town and may still go out for an occasional beer with the guys but he's supportive of my desire to dry out.

Anyone else with me and Lia, trying yet again?


Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Labels and Learning

I'm learning a lot about myself and it feels really good.  I've also noticed a trend.  I tend to have emotional epiphanies while not drinking and then I go back to wine soothing for a bit before garnering enough strength to try again.  But the trying again is coming more frequent and the feeling of "just giving up" is dissipating.  I really WANT to be alcohol free.

Aside from realizing I can't be, and probably won't ever be, a normal drinker, I really don't want to be.  I no longer think "I can handle this".  What goes through my mind is that I am succumbing to a vice when I drink.  Just like if I eat too much pizza and feel like crap.  Like if I eat that bagel with tons of cream cheese at the office when I was convinced I would eat healthy that day.  It's now just a vice lumped in with others.  There will be times when I succumb to the vice but hopefully more and more times when I don't.

Exercise has really helped.  I'm finally beginning to make it a habit.  I still need accountability to it but I am doing it.  Having a trainer to go to, signing up for classes is helping.  I am finding more and more that I want to do it...….on my own.

Sort of the same with drinking.  I have some accountability built in now with a sober buddy but I am finding more and more that I want to not drink, for my own good.

I hate the label alcoholic.  I don't think I'll go to AA meetings because I just don't think group sessions are my thing.  I went to a divorce therapy session one time and thought I was going to come unglued. I am sort of a "move on, get over it, pull up your big girl panties" kind of girl.  Translate that to not the most empathetic person.  I didn't want to talk about my woes nor hear about others.  I'm sure AA is different than that type of group and people have really wonderful things to say about it.  But I can't get over having to say "Hello, my name is so and so, and I am an alcoholic".

To me, in my mind, I'm not an alcoholic.  Those people miss work, I never have.  Those people look for alcohol in the morning, I never have.  Those people look like alcoholics, I don't think I do.  (Okay, except for wine belly/bloat.)  Those people pass out on the couch at night, I never have.  And etc.

But I am an alcohol abuser.  Hands down, for sure.  While I like to say "I'm addicted", I'm not even sure that's true.  I make a conscious decision to ingest a substance to "relax" in the evening.  After the second glass, I find it hard to stop.  Well, duh, that's the substance altering my brain.   I don't need alcohol to function.  I don't feel bad when I stop, no physical reactions.  In fact, I sleep great, eat better and feel better about myself when I am not drinking.  Every time I don't have alcohol, I have zero withdrawal symptoms other than thinking "oh wouldn't a glass of wine" be nice.  But it rarely is ever one glass.  Especially at home, that appears impossible to me.

Admitting that I am an abuser of a substance sort of brings it home to me.  It makes me feel more powerful, not powerless.  It appears that with AA you have to say you are powerless over the substance and to turn it over to a higher power.  Perhaps I'm missing the boat.  I think different approaches work for all of us.  But as I start another round (pardon the pun) of not drinking, it helps me to ask myself, in the evening, "do you really want to take this substance in, knowing you will abuse it, knowing how you will not sleep, knowing you will not want to exercise the next day, knowing you will eat like crap and knowing that you might even feel down, not to mention what you are doing to your liver?"

I am in charge of this.  What I'm not in charge of is what happens when I slip up at home and think I'm going to "enjoy" some wine.  So still working on other enjoyments.  I know there are those who exercise a ton and still drink.  But since I've never really enjoyed exercise as a part of my life, and now am starting to, I think this will be a great new focus and will hopefully alleviate some of the need to drink.


Sunday, June 9, 2019

Peace with the Past

I've made some headway this week regarding some emotional issues of my past.  I was in turmoil about some things that date all the way back to college experience, loss of my marriage and unacknowledged fears I have.

Everything bubbled up this week.  I think not drinking can do that to you.  It's probably why I allowed myself a few nights of wine again.  Not even near tipsy but as always still a bit bummed that I use that to cope.  Such a different place though now and different perspective of what I'm doing.

There is no more longing to be a normal drinker, there is just a hyper-awareness of alcohol as a vice that I would like to be free of someday.  It's getting pushed away more and more now which feels good.

This week I had to face some facts about my past.  I've always wondered why I still grieve the loss of my marriage.  It's been almost 10 years.  I suppose it's natural to hang on to some feelings of "being wronged".  I've always had a hard time of that.

But, since my ex and I met in college, I realize that I have been tremendously grieving the loss of shared history.  That I would have done things very different in college had I not been with him.  I would have formed other bonds, experienced more activities.  Instead I attached myself to his hip as a means of getting through it all.  I had been extremely homesick as a young girl heading across the country to school.  Meeting the ex was a distraction, suddenly made the experience fun and worth something.

I realized this week that I wasn't grieving the loss of the person.  Afterall, I really love the dude I'm with.  We are much more compatible in so many ways.  So much more natural in how we relate to each other, so much more real.  I realized that the loss of my marriage, that loss of shared history, made my time at school during those years seem invalid.  Everything we had done together and then on into married life seemed pointless to where I am now.   I isolated myself from others in college to be with him.  Such wasted time.....

But then I reminded myself, it wasn't wasted.  I got my wonderful son out of that deal.  So even though I have thoughts about what I would have done different in college, what I could have done different in my life, I wouldn't change a thing about my son.

Acknowledging that I could have done things different in college and still had my son was a big step.  It wasn't my ex's fault that I latched on to him.  My decisions were my own.  The decisions I made during our marriage were all my own.  I am where I am due to me, not him. topic....

The hubs has gotten into horses and that was the "fear" I dealt with this week.  I have resisted getting back involved.  He goes off and does his horse thing......and I stay at home.  I couldn't really figure out why I pushed it away.  I'm supportive of him doing it.  The hubs is 53 and discovered horses at 51.  As far as mid life crises go, it's pretty cool.  Never thought I would see him become a fanatic about a 4 legged beast.

I realized this week that I stopped riding when I was younger due to fear.  The instructor was a bitch, let me just say that.  She intimidated the hell out of me.  I realize that some people respond to being pushed...I am not one of them.  I need to come around to something in my own way, on my own schedule.  (hmmm.....kind of like dealing with drinking ya think?)  If someone tells me to stop something, I'll have a tendency to do the opposite.  Major changes in my life take time and have to come from deep inside me.  Anyway, it was time to start cantering over jumps.  And I quit.  She was pushing hard, I was feeling fear.  I never jumped again.  I never rode again other than trail rides.

Last summer the hubs got me back on a horse with a private lesson while we were on vacation.  I not only rode, I cantered for the first time in 30 years.  I was stressed but exhilarated.  I haven't tried jumping again, not sure I will.  Then I pushed it away again.  The hubs is now, after 2 years, a much better rider than I ever was.  Watching him fly over jumps is amazing.  He is very competitive, he likes to push himself.  He knows more about horses than I ever would have expected.  When we are ready to own our own someday, he will be more than competent to handle it.  Watching him do what I have been too scared to do freaked me out.  I am jealous, I admit.

It was something I had done, that he hadn't.  Now he has and is better at it than me.  Lol.  Petty, huh?

Dealing with all these emotions this week has been eye-opening but good.  I feel very at peace.  I'm giving thought to those college experiences and sitting with some of the sadness for what I could have done different.  I never admitted to myself how lousy I felt about my whole college experience.  When I was married to the ex, I felt great about it.  Losing the ex forced me to acknowledge how I let myself down at that time.  I don't mean by being with the ex.  I would still say that had been a good decision had it worked out and he had remained happy.  Bottom line, he became unhappy, I thought we were good enough.  Old news.  But acknowledging how I failed at what I had really wanted to accomplish was tough.  I shut out friendships with people that could have meant something to this day and I was left with the friendship of the ex, which is now lost.

I may give horses a try again, we'll see.  Remains to be seen.  I can't do anything about the college past but I can decide where horses fit in my life.  Clearly they are to be a part of it now in some way and I don't think that's going to change.  There is something to be said for equine therapy anyway.

So I leave this post with thoughts of moving forward.  I can acknowledge things I would have done different but I don't think I really have regrets afterall.  I am who I am, I have a wonderful life.

The process of unwinding from drinking requires dealing with emotions that may or may not even be something we are aware of that we are feeling.  Saying goodbye to the coping mechanism that tamps down on those feelings, enables them to bubble up.  Some quit cold turkey, some are more like me, a gradual goodbye to those drinking days - but I think dealing with who we are now is inevitable and can, frankly, be harrowing.  But like flying on the back of a horse, or flying airplanes, or sailing on the open ocean....exhilarating!

My favorite quote that I can't even give credit to one person for because it's been quoted so often:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is gift and that's why they call it the present!!

Happy Sunday!

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Just the addict in me

Acknowledging my addiction has been an important part of my journey.  I no longer want to drink.  I think it's unhealthy.  I don't enjoy how it makes me feel once the "moment" has passed.  And yet I still drink.

That is addiction.  When you don't seem to be able to stop something you want to stop doing.

I had wine again last night after not having any since last Saturday.  Hmm...well I had a glass at a vendor dinner the night before and then drank a bottle with hubs last night.  I don't think this is okay.   Some might say that it's fine to drink once or twice a week but I know that's not the case for me.  When I drink I let myself down.

My sober buddy said not to beat myself up.  I think that's the issue.  I don't really beat myself up.  Today I feel a bit disappointed but I also view it almost from a 3rd party perspective.  The addict got the best of me last night, that's all.  I'm not a bad person, I don't feel lousy, I still got up at 5am, I'm still going to work out and I slept pretty well.

But, as I know, the potential for it all to have gone down different is always there, looming.

In the past, when I tried to quit and failed, I surrendered.  This time, I notice myself pulling myself back up each time and trying again.  The days of feeling better about not drinking outweigh the number of days I drink.  The drinking days are becoming fewer.  Me likey!

I'm going to simply try harder to fight off the cravings.  My sober buddy is doing great and pulls me along with awesome supportive words.

Have a happy weekend everyone!!


Monday, June 3, 2019

Risky Behavior

It's no coincidence that people try to start and stop for awhile.  Stopping drinking seems to take, in a nutshell, a realization that the risks associated with drinking are too high to continue.  It might be that a person has a personality transformation that causes relationship issues, or maybe they lost a relationship from drinking, had a major health issue or they injured themselves while drinking or injured others.  Each of us is different in what "shocks" us into not drinking ever again....but usually it is something.

I had an eye opener this past weekend.  Over Memorial day weekend, since the hubs had bought that 6 pack sampler of wine, I thought, well, hell, let's drink it up and I'll go back on the wagon.  Last Tuesday I didn't have anything as planned but on Wednesday I was faced with a few things that set me off.  My hubs is dealing with ex wife issues, still, and those issues are affecting him now career-wise.  It's very sad and understandably stressful.  We both kind of lost it, bought more wine, and just numbed out for a few evenings in a row, processing through the ramifications of past history.

I watched the escalation of my drinking back to a bottle a night.  I was almost observing it from outside my body but wasn't willing to step in and stop it.   Saturday morning, after having three evenings in a row where I went to bed while the hubs was passed out in his lounger, I said let's quit again for awhile.  He agreed.

Saturday afternoon I said, well, we might as well have wine one more night, it IS Saturday.  He ran off to the store and got us some.  Classic enabling of each other.

3 hours later I had finished the bottle and got dinner made and into the oven.  Hubs had finished his and when I had said "oh why don't you just go run and get us more?", he responsibly said he couldn't drive.  So after the dish went into the oven and he was now sitting in his lounger working, I walked out without telling anyone and went to the store.  I grabbed a few veggies and dinner rolls to make it look like I had a purpose, grabbed two more bottles of wine, one white and one red, and came home.

As I was putting dinner on the table I asked him to pour more wine.  He said we were out.  I said no, I had went and got some.  He seemed a bit surprised but opened the wine.  We ate dinner and my son never seemed to notice whatever state of inebriation I was in.   We watched our program after dinner and I drank the rest of the wine.  Hubs never finished his mind you.

This morning I found a blood alcohol counter.  I entered a bottle of wine, 25.4 ounces, over 3 hours, with 13% alcohol content and my weight.  It said .09.  Wow, just wow.

Even as I drove to the store I was berating myself saying I shouldn't be driving.  I wasn't totally out of it, but cognizant enough to be very clear in the knowledge that I was engaging in risky behavior.  I still grabbed a bunch of greens though and never bagged them, which I always do.  I grabbed sandwich rolls for dinner instead of small dinner rolls. I initially grabbed the wrong bottle of red for the hubs, ran back and ended up with a too expensive red.  Got the cheap shit white for me though!  I remember most of the evening except what happened on our show.  I had to rewatch the episode yesterday to stay caught up.

I kept telling myself that if I just focused hard on driving, I would be okay.  I wasn't weaving or anything and felt very in control but if something had happened beyond my control, someone had slammed on their brakes or ran a red light, would I have reacted okay?  Probably not.  Thinking afterwards how stupid this was gives me shivers.  It also made me wonder how many others out there on the road were just like me?  Inebriated but not out of it?

My family wouldn't even had known I left if I never made it home until dinner burned in the oven and set off the fire alarm.  My son could have lost a mother over a stupid decision to go get that extra bottle of wine.  I did the same thing about 6 months back and then dialed back on the drinking.  I stayed at 1 bottle, didn't keep more in the house and didn't go get another.  I'm not even sure what led me to go do last Saturday night.  It was part rebellion and part avoiding feeling something that I can't even put my finger on.  I'm almost overly vigilant about not ever driving after drinking.

I just got very, very lucky.  I'm not even going to focus on counting the days this time.  I'm going to be eternally grateful that I escaped a potentially horrible fate, that my son has his mom, my hubs has his wife and as yet I haven't been diagnosed with a serious illness due to the damage I have done to my body.  As horrible as that sounds, at least I would have time to say goodbye which I wouldn't have gotten on Saturday night!

I have time to clean up my act.  I'm so proud of where I've come exercise wise in the past month and am looking forward to continuing on with that.  I did make it to 3 of my classes I had said I would, just not the water one... but it has been unnaturally cold here for this time of year so I gave myself a pass on that.  I have increased my pilates membership to 2 times a week and I'm starting to do cardio around the strength training.  Maybe I can make more progress on diet over this next month.

Love and hugs to all struggling.  May you figure yourselves out sooner than I have been able to.  Having Lia as my sober buddy gives me the strength to continue and be accountable.  I had a nice evening with tea last night and son's sports over next few days will keep cravings at bay.  By Wednesday night I'll have 3 days under my belt which is usually enough to continue.

I'm keeping that stomach dropping feeling about what could have happened, that "what-if" terror, very close to me.

Happy Monday!

Sunday, May 26, 2019


So yesterday morning while I was feeling great, just after I posted in fact, my doorbell rang.  I was still in my jammies so I waited for the delivery guy to go away so I could sneak out and get whatever had been delivered.  But the guy wouldn't leave.

Finally I saw him start to leave with the package so I swallowed my pride and opened the door, yelling out to him.  He turned around and brought back the package that required the adult signature.  Uh oh.  Oh, honey...…????

Hubs came to door and took box.  Turns out he knew I would be at the end of my 30 days and there had been this great wine club deal.  Oh for crying out loud.  Methinks he is in denial or isn't quite understanding the issue at hand.  Not that my behavior has been particularly consistent.  So I ended up with 3 bottle of white (good bottles however wine people define that) and 3 bottles of red.

So last night I was like "open one of the fuckers and let's get it gone."  I had 2 1/2 glasses and so did he.  I'm not bummed and of course I enjoyed it but it's because we didn't go further.  I would have though, totally.  Somehow I've gotten it in my head, however, that as long as I don't open the wine bottle I'm not being bad.  So I try to convince him to.  But dude held his ground.  It was just too early on in my next 35 day declaration.  Sober buddy doesn't start again until Tuesday.  This was not her fault in any way, just my not holding myself accountable!

In Annie Grace's book, at the end of the experiment she says to video tape yourself getting drunk on a bottle of wine if you think you want to go back to drinking.  Not that I'd be stumbling down drunk but I'm sure I would see differences in thought process and motor skills.  Okay, probably not going to try that any time soon but it was an interesting idea and maybe some day I'll need to try it.

The other thing that stuck with me was how she said wine is a depressant.  That when you drink all evening and go to sleep, you never experience the depression unless you feel some of it the next day as a hangover or regret.  I've been giving that thought.  I guess that makes sense.  You have your first glass, just as you start to crash off the alcohol, you have another, and another.  No wonder we don't stop.

I'm trying to think of the last time I really stopped at just over 2 glasses.  It's been awhile.  Pretty much I had been drinking a bottle of wine or nothing at all.

So last night I did share that new bottle of wine.  I was curious, since it was a "better" bottle than I normally get, if it would taste unique.  Truly, it was pretty acidic.  But again, I didn't notice that part after the first glass.

What I did notice was how bummed out and grouchy I was to not have more wine.  I was in a really bad mood.  Not just my alcoholic inner voice throwing a tantrum but I really felt down.  The mental tantrum came first but then after dinner I was just bummed.  Nothing like the excited self I was yesterday morning or am today.  I slept fine last night but, again, I stopped drinking early and didn't wake up metabolizing too much alcohol.

On the one hand I would love to drink 2 glasses of wine a night, 4 nights a week.  But I don't think I can really stick to it.

I reworked my decision though.  I will have 2 glasses tonight and 2 glasses on Memorial Day.  Then I will embark on 35 days.  If I blog that I failed at this it will be telling.  But I'm pretty sure the only way I'll be happy with myself is to have longer and longer periods of time without drinking.

To think I can drink regularly is just pure folly.  And there is the fact that the conscious part of my brain says I'm going to get cancer of some sort, that it's poison, that I don't need to have fun etc.  I just need to keep reminding myself of this.  But for the next two nights I'm just going to quiet the squirrel brain and let it happen.  I will post what happens but I look forward to getting the wine out of the house.  When I drank on Thursday night it was with a bottle that I had been staring at the entire 30 days.  Not having that in there this time, let me tell ya!

I am going to continue my celebration of incorporating more exercise into my life even though I haven't dropped a pound.  13.5 mile bike ride today was awesome.  Such beautiful weather!  I have to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow but I think I'm going to try a water fit class.  It's not water Zumba but at least it will get my butt in the pool and my own is still too cold to use.

I am looking forward to the next few months and more abstinence!


Saturday, May 25, 2019

Obsessions of time

Ah, sleep.  I love sleep.  I am now having such negative thoughts about alcohol in regards to sleep.  So disruptive.

Wendy commented on my last post about not acting on impulse.  It's so true and that is exactly what I did.  And I do that with a lot of things in my life, especially foods.

I feel like I am slowly giving up a poison that has been in my life a very long time.  I don't begrudge it.  It was my go-to coping mechanism and for the most part I handled it behaviorally but gosh knows what damage it has done to my body.  Or what other things I could have accomplished if not sitting down drinking for 2 to 3 hours a night.  I want to cope in other ways.

I've never really been depressed except for the few occasions I've written about before and I'm not sure if that would even be considered true depression.  I've never been without hope.  But what I do is obsess.  When I'm feeling blue I relive experiences in my past, obsessing over getting the exact timing of it right.  When did I do that?  How old was I?  What happened next?

Obsessing over past time is something I've always done.  I remember coming home in the summer after 5th grade after visiting my aunt and uncle.  I had so much fun that week!  I grew up on the west coast and they live back east.  I flew by myself and stayed with them, driving all over New England, going to natural rock water slides, hiking, etc.  I came home and was so incredibly bummed to be home.  Cried all the time.  I loved my home but I had just had soo much fun!  I spent the next week with the blues, obsessing over exactly what I had been doing at exactly what time the week before.

I used to do that a lot about vacations.  I did that a lot more in my 20s and it calmed down in my 30s.  By then, when I went on vacations, even now, I have a great time but when it's time to go home, I'm usually ready.  Ready to rejoin the reality of my life.

After going through a divorce, something I never thought would happen to me, of being left by someone I thought was my soulmate, I started obsessing about times past.  Even though I moved on with someone else and was happy.   The obsessing isn't necessarily about the Ex.  More about times we had.  I can spend an entire morning, traipsing around the house, cleaning and/or doing laundry, while talking internally myself.  I'll rehash some period of time and run through it beginning to end, as much as I can remember.  I'll struggle to get all the memories in the right order.

It might be a trip I took or took with the Ex.  It might be about a party I went to.  It might be a traumatic time like finding about an affair he had and then putting all the circumstances around it in order.  Unfortunately with those memories it's like I'm getting a buzz about reliving the trauma of the emotions surrounding those memories.  I might obsess over trying to remember what I wore, or what did the hotel room look like, or what book was I reading at the time.  I literally can waste hours absorbed not in the present, but in those past experiences.

Once I go through this and put the thoughts in order for whatever experience I am reliving, I tend to feel exhausted but refreshed.  I move on.  I always wonder if anyone else ever does this.  I have friends that can't remember specific details about past events and they focus only on the here and now.  Wow, wouldn't that be nice.

I bring this up because I realized yesterday that I was doing this all day again.  But I haven't really done that in the past 30 days while not drinking.  But, sure enough, I was a little blue yesterday and wasted a lot of time on non-essential past thoughts.  I'm turning 50 this fall and I literally spent hours yesterday trying to recreate exactly what I had been doing when I was 39 at this time of year.

Back when I was 39, the ex and I were working on our marriage.  We had a lovely summer.  A year later he had left, I had met someone new and he was meeting my son for the first time over Memorial Day weekend.  I think this would have been a normal passing thought but I even wasted time going through my archived emails, reliving what was going on in my life 9 and 10 years ago.  I didn't get my house cleaned, I didn't get the bills paid.

When I do this, I think it's my version of depression.  Of handling the blues.  It was kind of eye opening to realize I was doing that for so long yesterday after drinking the night before.  It was eye opening to realize how exhausting it was.  It was eye opening to realize I hadn't done that for awhile and yet it used to be part of my everyday living

When I don't drink and I wake up refreshed, I look forward to moving on with my day.  To accomplish things.  I don't get stuck in the past.  Yesterday I couldn't make myself pay bills.  I barely did some laundry and dishes.  I knew I wanted to go to Yoga today but thought oh I probably won't go.

But today I am looking forward to that yoga class!  I feel good.  I'm about to go make breakfast, then pay some bills and then try the yoga.  I wrote before about my goals for exercise.  That I was going to do a yoga class, a Zumba class, a water or water Zumba class, and a spin class.  After today I'll just have that water class left and I'm determined to try and get that in during the month of May!

It feels good to leave the past in the past today.  It was just another a-ha moment to realize that a lot of that came from the blues that accompanied the letdown after drinking.   During drinking I'm dreamy and think of the future, but the next day I obsess over the past.  Interesting.  Probably something deeper in all that but, frankly, who gives a shit?  Time to go make breakfast!!


Friday, May 24, 2019


I had wine last night BUT I didn't like the experience.  Seriously.  Yay!!

Here's how it went down...

I fought through the normal craving earlier in the evening, 5-ish.  I had a work call at 6:30 that lasted an hour and completely drained me.  It went nowhere.

I checked the clock and saw it was 7:45.  Even had the thought that it was too late to want wine anyway.  Sure as shit at almost the exact time I thought that, my voice says to hubs in the other room "want some wine?".

He hasn't been totally AF but had been drinking a lot less.  He would have a whiskey but then drink AF stuff with me the rest of the evening.   Geez, he had that wine on the table before I could get it out of my mouth that I had no idea why I said what I said.  He had opened a bottle.

I had a momentary thought of just giving it to him but then decided to make an experiment out of it.  I did want to sit down and talk about our day, after all.  So I sipped my glass really slowly.

During the first glass I noticed:
1) It tasted horrible.  Asked the hubs if we always drank this shit?
2) Within about 3 sips I could feel the warmth in my chest.  Wow, amazing how fast it has effect.

Hubs kept refilling his glass so I ended up with two glasses from the bottle.  He was starting to show effects from his.

After the second glass I noticed:
1) I didn't really notice the taste
2) My thoughts started becoming real dreamy-like.  Talking future planning etc.
3) I noticed hubs was starting to look weird.  I could really see his motor skills being affected.

Hubs opened a second bottle at my urging but he drank most of it.  I had one glass.  Have to admit that was a much better bottle but hard to know if the wine really was better or my tastebuds were numb.

Hubs thoughts started wandering and even I was having trouble staying on point.  Hubs was pretty tipsy.  We went to bed around 11pm, late for us.

I slept like shit!  I wasn't really beating myself up but I couldn't get back to sleep.  I guess I slept from 11 to about 2:30 and then no more.  ICK!  Woke up this morning and just thought "who needs this shit".  I could have had the same fun conversation with an AF wine or beer or fizzy water and been just frickin fine AND slept amazing.

I am so glad I did that!  I was like a wound spring after 30 days.

I came up with a sort of plan that I ran by my sober buddy last week.  Turns out it was actually what Annie Grace was recommending at the end of her book which I hit on Monday and Tuesday.  She obviously doesn't recommend drinking but has a few options for those who want to go back to it.

I will refer to it as my Ferber method of not drinking.  I have no desire to drink, in fact, I really, really, want to NOT drink.  I'm just battling those addictive feelings but there is no underlying reason for me to drink.  I don't need it, don't want it, don't like I how I feel with it and don't need it to be social.  It's simply my go-to thing when I am tired/stressed.

As a parent I used the Ferber method with my young son.  He screamed in his crib when I put him down, I left the room, I came in periodically and patted him and kissed him and left the room again.  There were various increments to this process but the idea was that he would learn self-soothe.  And he did.  And my life was easier.

I'm building this method in to my not drinking.  I realize that there will come times when I just need to "pop" or drink wine at home.  If I don't declare when I am not drinking, however, I will cave to that need.  So what's going to work well for me is to do gradually longer and longer increments.  I did 15 days.  Then I did 30, now I'm doing at least 35 more.  After that if I need to prove to myself again that I don't want wine, then okey dokey, I'll do it again.  I'll self soothe if need be but then move back to sobriety.  The next go around will be 40.  I may or may not have that wine in between.  The difference now is that I don't view it so much as a reward, just something bad that I might do and may need to do to reinforce why I don't want to drink at home.

I'm also going to continue to celebrate total days without alcohol even if they aren't consecutive.  I'm going to use my sober buddy and fight like hell through the cravings so I don't cave.  I'm also going to resist that rebellious voice that says "go on, just do it!"  I may have a glass of wine with family when they visit or at a friends house.  Again, that's not where my issue is.  If I can not be awkward and decline, I'll do that first.  But I know I'll be having it only to avoid the questions if I don't have any.

I was feeling under the weather yesterday but today feel a lot better.  My son has been sick so I'm hoping I fend off whatever crud he has.  Went to exercise today and looking forward to not drinking tonight!!!  I really wanted to take the time to write this down so that I have a record of this.  I added a drinking tab back onto my blog in addition to my exercise tab.  At least exercise is going pretty well!  Now, hopefully I start to lose some weight!!


Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Familiarity breeds contempt.....if you aren't careful...

This article was just funny timing based upon my last post but very good I thought!

or use this link

It made me really think and give me some new ways to frame some of my relationship frustrations.

It also reminded me of Gottman's Four Horses that will kill a relationship:

Those are worth reading about.

I'm too critical, sometimes show contempt for his habits, I'm not defensive and I rarely stonewall.

He is not very critical, nevers shows me contempt, is very defensive and has been known to stonewall.

What a pair we are!

This link, for anyone interested is a good description of each and the antidote for each:

The above relationship stuff is a good example of what I want to still work on.  Lately, I've been moderately grouchy and have crossed some lines in criticism and contempt.  Fortunately the hubs has been very patient knowing I am trying not to drink but also am going through peri menopause.  Bless his heart.  Time for me to rein it in and regroup though!

I have now finished 30 days, today being Day 31.  I feel like a baby still in pre-school, just testing the waters of kindergarten.

I know I'm not ready to drink and don't want to.  I'm sure I'll test the waters at some point but right now I have so many other things about me that I want to explore that, while having nothing to do with drinking, will never get explored if drink every day and numb any feelings.

I must say I am really proud that I did the 30 days, many days only due to sober buddy Lia, and have had 45 evenings of the past 52 without any alcohol!  That is definitely a record since 2016.

Onward ho!


Sunday, May 19, 2019

serenity vs acceptance

I've been really stuck pondering the difference between Acceptance and Serenity ever since I read the post from Insights From the Rooms blog page.  (Click Here)

I'm feeling very overwhelmed with all I have to get done.  I'm feeling like my house is a mess, not only needing organization and cleaning, but deep cleaning in the far corners.  I have financial things that need to be done in the way of budgeting and then I have work stuff needing to be done.

I struggle with accepting things as they are and just letting time deal with them.  It will all get done, this I know, it's just not done now.  It's all sitting there, mocking me.  Of course, I'm sitting here blogging about it instead of doing it but that's another issue I suppose.

Anyway, on that blog page something jumped out at me:

“Acceptance is when you are standing on the 10 item express line at the supermarket where the person in front of you has 13 items and you don’t say anything to them.  And serenity…….Serenity is when you are on the same line and you don’t even count how many items he has in his basket.”
I have been so depressed since reading this.  I am such a long way from Serenity it's unbelievable.  I think of myself as kind of an easy going, but detail oriented, zen-like individual.  Wow did that quote ever blow a hole in my boat!
The blog post went on to quote:
"Many of us have mastered moments of acceptance, where instead of blurting out a criticism or a disagreement we exercise self-control over our speech muscles. Yet one often still senses a degree of agitation which percolates along with our self-control.
To come to a place where we no longer even “count” is a much more rarefied spiritual state. 
You can determine if you are in acceptance or in serenity by examining if there is any “counting” chatter in your head the next time you are presented with a challenging situation.
Personal Reflection: Have I gone beyond acceptance and moved towards serenity in my life?"
Oh wow, nope, no serenity here.  None.
I have always thought of the hubs as clueless.  He just doesn't notice what I notice.  I can walk down the hallway and see a coffee spill on the floor.  I walk into the kitchen, look at the pretty view, look downward and see dust on the floorboards or dog slobber marks on the floor.  I see layers of dust on furniture that I need to get to.  No wonder he is pretty happy all the time, pretty positive.
I've always viewed that kind of obliviousness with disdain.  How can he not notice?  I know he would need to notice before taking action so it's kind of hard to be irritated with someone who doesn't even see what needs to be done.
I've always thought he needs to be more like me, darnit!  I need to train him to notice and take action. 
But maybe, just maybe, I need to train myself to not notice as much.  Is it a huge life crisis if a person walks into my house and sees a little dust?  And what if they are serene and THEY never notice?  I think of all I am missing out on because I need to get done "what I notice" before I can function in other ways.  I should have gone on that hike with the dogs today but instead I'm attempting to clean my house.   Can I not find time elsewhere to get this done?
I don't want him to clean because he doesn't do it right.  I'm really not a control freak but I like things cleaned, when they get cleaned, a certain way.  If I'm going to dust the wood floors, it doesn't take that much longer to go under the furniture.  That way when I look into a room from the hallway, it is all shiny, not patches of dust being hit as the sunlight streams in under chairs, etc.  He will not clean that way.  It's a quick swift around the room.  It does get up some dog hair, for sure, but doesn't help my view of the room.  I really struggle with this battle inside my head.  
I guess the way I would say it is I really have an issue with what I consider half-ass work.  Either do it in full or don't do it.  As a result, I get stuck doing it.  Or should I say redoing it?
I don't really even know where I'm going with this post.  I'm just venting and it's one of the reasons to drink.  If I drink I don't see the dust on the floor, I don't notice stuff laying out, my mind goes elsewhere. I become falsely serene.  It's really hard to distract myself when sober so then I find myself in much more of a constant state of irritation.
Being accepting doesn't solve much other than reduce relationship conflict but then it's still all up there in my head.  Oh do I long to be truly serene...…..
28 days here and it feels pretty good though otherwise.  Exercise is up and I'm trying to not beat myself up for my sugar increase.  Need to deal with that at some point but baby steps.
More often than not I find that my inner voice that says "tada, once you hit 30 you can go get a bottle of wine" is being rebutted with a louder voice that says "but why on earth would you want to do that to your body? It's maybe an hour of cravings - suck it up buttercup!"
But I still want to be serene and have no idea how to get there......