Experimenting

So yesterday morning while I was feeling great, just after I posted in fact, my doorbell rang.  I was still in my jammies so I waited for the delivery guy to go away so I could sneak out and get whatever had been delivered.  But the guy wouldn't leave.

Finally I saw him start to leave with the package so I swallowed my pride and opened the door, yelling out to him.  He turned around and brought back the package that required the adult signature.  Uh oh.  Oh, honey...…????

Hubs came to door and took box.  Turns out he knew I would be at the end of my 30 days and there had been this great wine club deal.  Oh for crying out loud.  Methinks he is in denial or isn't quite understanding the issue at hand.  Not that my behavior has been particularly consistent.  So I ended up with 3 bottle of white (good bottles however wine people define that) and 3 bottles of red.

So last night I was like "open one of the fuckers and let's get it gone."  I had 2 1/2 glasses and so did he.  I'm not bummed and of course I enjoyed it but it's because we didn't go further.  I would have though, totally.  Somehow I've gotten it in my head, however, that as long as I don't open the wine bottle I'm not being bad.  So I try to convince him to.  But dude held his ground.  It was just too early on in my next 35 day declaration.  Sober buddy doesn't start again until Tuesday.  This was not her fault in any way, just my not holding myself accountable!

In Annie Grace's book, at the end of the experiment she says to video tape yourself getting drunk on a bottle of wine if you think you want to go back to drinking.  Not that I'd be stumbling down drunk but I'm sure I would see differences in thought process and motor skills.  Okay, probably not going to try that any time soon but it was an interesting idea and maybe some day I'll need to try it.

The other thing that stuck with me was how she said wine is a depressant.  That when you drink all evening and go to sleep, you never experience the depression unless you feel some of it the next day as a hangover or regret.  I've been giving that thought.  I guess that makes sense.  You have your first glass, just as you start to crash off the alcohol, you have another, and another.  No wonder we don't stop.

I'm trying to think of the last time I really stopped at just over 2 glasses.  It's been awhile.  Pretty much I had been drinking a bottle of wine or nothing at all.

So last night I did share that new bottle of wine.  I was curious, since it was a "better" bottle than I normally get, if it would taste unique.  Truly, it was pretty acidic.  But again, I didn't notice that part after the first glass.

What I did notice was how bummed out and grouchy I was to not have more wine.  I was in a really bad mood.  Not just my alcoholic inner voice throwing a tantrum but I really felt down.  The mental tantrum came first but then after dinner I was just bummed.  Nothing like the excited self I was yesterday morning or am today.  I slept fine last night but, again, I stopped drinking early and didn't wake up metabolizing too much alcohol.

On the one hand I would love to drink 2 glasses of wine a night, 4 nights a week.  But I don't think I can really stick to it.

I reworked my decision though.  I will have 2 glasses tonight and 2 glasses on Memorial Day.  Then I will embark on 35 days.  If I blog that I failed at this it will be telling.  But I'm pretty sure the only way I'll be happy with myself is to have longer and longer periods of time without drinking.

To think I can drink regularly is just pure folly.  And there is the fact that the conscious part of my brain says I'm going to get cancer of some sort, that it's poison, that I don't need to have fun etc.  I just need to keep reminding myself of this.  But for the next two nights I'm just going to quiet the squirrel brain and let it happen.  I will post what happens but I look forward to getting the wine out of the house.  When I drank on Thursday night it was with a bottle that I had been staring at the entire 30 days.  Not having that in there this time, let me tell ya!

I am going to continue my celebration of incorporating more exercise into my life even though I haven't dropped a pound.  13.5 mile bike ride today was awesome.  Such beautiful weather!  I have to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow but I think I'm going to try a water fit class.  It's not water Zumba but at least it will get my butt in the pool and my own is still too cold to use.

I am looking forward to the next few months and more abstinence!

HD