My Lists

Sunday, May 19, 2019

serenity vs acceptance

I've been really stuck pondering the difference between Acceptance and Serenity ever since I read the post from Insights From the Rooms blog page.  (Click Here)

I'm feeling very overwhelmed with all I have to get done.  I'm feeling like my house is a mess, not only needing organization and cleaning, but deep cleaning in the far corners.  I have financial things that need to be done in the way of budgeting and then I have work stuff needing to be done.

I struggle with accepting things as they are and just letting time deal with them.  It will all get done, this I know, it's just not done now.  It's all sitting there, mocking me.  Of course, I'm sitting here blogging about it instead of doing it but that's another issue I suppose.

Anyway, on that blog page something jumped out at me:

“Acceptance is when you are standing on the 10 item express line at the supermarket where the person in front of you has 13 items and you don’t say anything to them.  And serenity…….Serenity is when you are on the same line and you don’t even count how many items he has in his basket.”
I have been so depressed since reading this.  I am such a long way from Serenity it's unbelievable.  I think of myself as kind of an easy going, but detail oriented, zen-like individual.  Wow did that quote ever blow a hole in my boat!
The blog post went on to quote:
"Many of us have mastered moments of acceptance, where instead of blurting out a criticism or a disagreement we exercise self-control over our speech muscles. Yet one often still senses a degree of agitation which percolates along with our self-control.
To come to a place where we no longer even “count” is a much more rarefied spiritual state. 
You can determine if you are in acceptance or in serenity by examining if there is any “counting” chatter in your head the next time you are presented with a challenging situation.
Personal Reflection: Have I gone beyond acceptance and moved towards serenity in my life?"
Oh wow, nope, no serenity here.  None.
I have always thought of the hubs as clueless.  He just doesn't notice what I notice.  I can walk down the hallway and see a coffee spill on the floor.  I walk into the kitchen, look at the pretty view, look downward and see dust on the floorboards or dog slobber marks on the floor.  I see layers of dust on furniture that I need to get to.  No wonder he is pretty happy all the time, pretty positive.
I've always viewed that kind of obliviousness with disdain.  How can he not notice?  I know he would need to notice before taking action so it's kind of hard to be irritated with someone who doesn't even see what needs to be done.
I've always thought he needs to be more like me, darnit!  I need to train him to notice and take action. 
But maybe, just maybe, I need to train myself to not notice as much.  Is it a huge life crisis if a person walks into my house and sees a little dust?  And what if they are serene and THEY never notice?  I think of all I am missing out on because I need to get done "what I notice" before I can function in other ways.  I should have gone on that hike with the dogs today but instead I'm attempting to clean my house.   Can I not find time elsewhere to get this done?
I don't want him to clean because he doesn't do it right.  I'm really not a control freak but I like things cleaned, when they get cleaned, a certain way.  If I'm going to dust the wood floors, it doesn't take that much longer to go under the furniture.  That way when I look into a room from the hallway, it is all shiny, not patches of dust being hit as the sunlight streams in under chairs, etc.  He will not clean that way.  It's a quick swift around the room.  It does get up some dog hair, for sure, but doesn't help my view of the room.  I really struggle with this battle inside my head.  
I guess the way I would say it is I really have an issue with what I consider half-ass work.  Either do it in full or don't do it.  As a result, I get stuck doing it.  Or should I say redoing it?
I don't really even know where I'm going with this post.  I'm just venting and it's one of the reasons to drink.  If I drink I don't see the dust on the floor, I don't notice stuff laying out, my mind goes elsewhere. I become falsely serene.  It's really hard to distract myself when sober so then I find myself in much more of a constant state of irritation.
Being accepting doesn't solve much other than reduce relationship conflict but then it's still all up there in my head.  Oh do I long to be truly serene...…..
28 days here and it feels pretty good though otherwise.  Exercise is up and I'm trying to not beat myself up for my sugar increase.  Need to deal with that at some point but baby steps.
More often than not I find that my inner voice that says "tada, once you hit 30 you can go get a bottle of wine" is being rebutted with a louder voice that says "but why on earth would you want to do that to your body? It's maybe an hour of cravings - suck it up buttercup!"
But I still want to be serene and have no idea how to get there......
HD



6 comments:

  1. I’m not sure it’s possible to be serene all the time!
    I just have times of both acceptance and serenity, but not even close to all the time.
    xo
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just wish I could not notice or let things go more easily.

      Delete
  2. OMG! I could have written this post. I just went berserk yesterday on this very subject. Hubby walked out of the shower, wet as can be and walked across the light wood flooring leaving wet marks everywhere! He said, "it's just water?", but it dries all marked up on the floor. I asked him to clean it up and he said he couldn't bend over, his back hurts. Ugh!! Anyway, I agree with Wendy, or rather, I think it's impossible to be serene all the time, we are human after all, all those emotions running through us. But back to your point, are "we" too caught up with trying to achieve a standard that has been pounded into our heads from a young age? Like the rolling stones sang, "can't get no satisfaction". I want so much to relax about it all. Definitely not drinking has helped, but it hasn't taken away the agony of having a partner who doesn't see things the way you do. My problem, I know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know about the "trying to achieve a standard" thing. My issue is that I LIKE not having water marks on the floor, or coffee stains down the hallway...I LIKE clean floors and neat and tidy areas. When things are really messy or dirty I don't feel good. So how to live with someone who has such different standards and remain serene is something I have not figured out.

      Delete
  3. You are definitely NOT alone in your feelings here and I think most of us women struggle with not getting enough done, having spouses that don't help enough or even know what needs to be done (I know I do)! It's been a really long road to acceptance on these things and is something I have to continually work on. I think Lia is right that these expectations are ingrained in us at a very young age and by society as a whole. We are supposed to be the "stay at home" mom, but still work a full time outside job, all while keeping the house immaculate and getting wholesome meals on the table every night. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE to be perfect and to meet these unrealistic expectations! I think you're starting to get there, to acceptance, when you realize that others wouldn't even notice the spilled coffee in the hall....in the grand scheme of things it really will be okay and will get cleaned up (when you get to it). Prioritize what is most important to you and what gives you the greatest happiness. Do those things 1st. I regularly take time to just sit and breathe. I know it sounds weird, but to just sit and focus on your breathe and still your mind for a little bit is really helpful and give you moments of serenity (even if just 1 minute, it is so helpful to know you can get that)! I have so much more to say but have to go to work! I'll be e-mailing you soon :) Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeh, I am trying to just look at the dust and say "oh well, in another day or two I'll get to it" and be okay. But it's tough for me. It's my own expectations, what I want, but not what everyone else in the household cares about.

      Delete