Rebuttals

Day 15

I feel like I'm moving forward again.  Did strength training yesterday and have a Zumba class scheduled for tomorrow.  That's 2 out of my 4 "class" goals that will be checked off.  Still will need to do yoga and water zumba or some water class.  I'm intimidated as hell and I don't know why.  I hate watching myself in mirrors and group exercise/gyms have them everywhere.  I'm not a fan of gym locker rooms and being in a bathing suit.  I don't really have an answer for this.

At the spin class I went to on Friday, I was a bit disheartened to see that every woman in the class, there were about 7 others, were very physically fit and some were my age or even older.  I'm 5'9" and a size 12/14.  I am not ginormous but was definitely the "big" girl in that room.  But it's funny, I didn't think I looked too bad in the mirror.  At least from waist up.  :-)  We'll see how I feel tomorrow in the group class.  I'm using two credits with my trainer and making her go with me.  It ensures I will show up and once I get going I'll be okay to go by myself.

My mind is just a trip.  I realize the internal debates I have within myself don't just relate to drinking.  Another blogger, DWIGHT, wrote a terrific post that made me think about what goes on in my own head.

Relating specifically to alcohol, though, my mind knows consciously all the "why's" I don't want to drink and my subconscious knows all the "why's" I want to.  They battle each other constantly.

I realized that this applies in my life in so, so many more ways than just drinking.  I have this battle in almost everything I do.  It goes like this....

Conscious brain has a good thought, subconscious comes up with a negative version and then my conscious brain has to rebut and try to win the debate.  Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.  It's this battle that keeps my self esteem up when Conscious wins and then, instead of letting myself feel poorly about myself, my Conscious side decides to drink when SubConscious wins.  Not sure I'm making any sense here but it helps me to write about it.

For example:

My career:

Conscious Brain:  You really enjoy what you do.  It wasn't ever in your life plan, you landed in this occupation due to strange circumstances, but you really love the work.  You love the lifestyle it gives you and the freedom.  Good on you!

Subconscious Brain:  Yes, but look at all your peers.  You graduated from a top notch college and look at what they are doing now, what they are in charge of.  You make less money than you did at the job you had 13 years ago!  You don't have the money you had in your first marriage.  You went on trips, owned "things" and you can't really do that now.

Conscious Brain wins with:  Yes, but look at you having been able to be around to raise your son, spend quality time with him, make his lunch.  Can those other moms you are comparing yourself to?  For those who don't want to, fine, but what about those who wish they had what you have?  So what if you aren't better off financially? You aren't starving, you still have a nice house, a pool, a car, clothes and food on the table.  Think of all those who don't.  You had the things before, now you don't. Chapter closed.  You traveled a lot.  Great, time to be cozy at home for awhile.........

And all is good.

But then there is....

My looks:

Conscious Brain:  Hey chickadee in the mirror, you look pretty good for 49.  You're a little heavier than you want to be but you've still got some abs, see that?  Those thighs are big but, girl, you have been strength training for the last 7 months 3 times a week.  That is muscle so of course you've gained a little weight.  You look good when you dress up for work.  Your face looks good without makeup (good thing since you are now a little blind) or with makeup when you can find the time to use a magnifying mirror to put it on.  Your husband tells you all the time how hot you look and what great legs and butt you have.

Subconscious Brain:  Yes, but you don't have a clue about fashion now since you don't have money to spend on it.  Look at all those women at school pickup, so fashionable.  Those women who go to the sporting events and look stylish.  You have become simple, you wear the same clothes year after year.  Look at your hair, you are approaching 50 with longish hair.  Don't you think you should cut it?  Dye it finally maybe?   See those streaks of gray showing?  Look at all those people on facebook working out at the gym, running, skiing.  You need to do more cardio, you fat lazy slob.

This is one where Conscious Brain says shut up and sometimes can make more arguments to win like how I don't overspend, I go hiking, biking instead, etc.  My hair has natural blond highlights so the gray really doesn't show. And all is fine.  Sometimes Subconscious just keeps on prodding and I want to shut her up!  Drinking has always done that for me in the area of self image.

So those are the things that go through my head. I have these debates going on in the areas of:
- my career
- my looks (exercise, diet, fashion, aging)
- how I am as a mom
- my financial security
- the state of my home (cleanliness, updatedness)

I suppose this is normal and everyone has these debates.  I never really thought about cognitive dissonance in this light.  NO WONDER we find ways of quieting these voices.  The challenge is to find healthy ways to do this and not via a drug.  Not via a joint, a drink, a cigarette, a pill, a shot or a snort.

I know what some of the tools are, it's just a matter of finding what works.  It could be a nap, exercise, meditation, yoga, listening to music, calling a friend, etc.  Anything where the mind has to change focus.

The mind is a funny place.  I can drive and listen to an audio book.  I can do laundry and listen to music.  I can work on my budgets and listen to instrumental music but not music with words.  I cannot pay bills and listen to an audio book.  There are certain things our self-conscious can do while our conscious mind is engaged elsewhere.  (Self-conscious is probably the wrong term but I understand what I mean!)

I realize I get into trouble if a lot of my day is mindless activity.  If I spend the day driving, looking at social media, doing laundry or other housework where my body can get it done but my brain can be engaged elsewhere...….then those voices, those debates between conscious and subconscious, get very loud and, traditionally, around 5pm, I have wanted to quiet them with alcohol.

Right now I haven't made a lot of progress in quieting them but I need to focus on that.  I still want wine to quiet them.  I'm just "not having any right now" and getting by day to day.  I love reading about bloggers who are at that point where they don't give it much thought anymore.  They've removed it from their everyday life and habits.

Oh, I long for this habit to be done.

Plodding along,
HD