I am so over myself. Watching myself wake up every day and saying I'm done drinking for ever and then asking hubs to get wine on the way home, then not sleeping great, feeling sluggish, blowing off exercise.....this is insane. So cliche but still this is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I remember reading Waiting for Godot as a child. I don't know why it stuck with me as I thought it was truly boring. But that's me, waiting for something.....
It's as if I'm waiting for rock bottom. Whether that is an alcoholic episode or embarrassment, a health scare or what, I'm not sure.
I listen to the Bubble hour now and always feel a little jealous, in a strange way, to those who hit a real (as I would define it) rock bottom. They are so motivated to quit drinking!!
I rarely ever drink more than a bottle of wine a night and how I react depends upon whether I start at 7pm and mainline it into my system or if I drink over 4 or 5 hours. I'm still drinking the same but the results are vary differing. I manage to string together 2 days here and there without drinking and then that "voice" hits around 5pm....
For years and years and years this has happened. (As evidenced by 4 effing years of blogging!!) I wake up in the morning feeling sluggish and say "I'm done". Then around 4pm the siren starts calling. If I have other obligations, I'm okay. If the hubs isn't home, I enjoy my time doing other stuff. If I'm out socially, I can have one drink.
But there is this magical formula......no huge dinner plans, especially if son is busy and won't be dining with us, me being exhausted from work and ready to shut down after 5pm, hubs coming home from work and we have an hour or two to sit on our sofas with our fur babies and decompress. DISASTER. What I mean by that is that there is no way in hell I will stop at one glass. I'll finish the bottle, we'll have a relaxing evening chatting, maybe catch up on some tv, I'll clean up the kitchen and we go to bed. Sometimes I remember it all, but sometimes I don't.
And that's it. I think I've "passed" out maybe a few times in my life. I am rarely ever hungover, more just tired from not sleeping well as the wine metabolized in my system. I've never let my family down in any way from drinking other than they have noticed some evenings where I appear to be buzzed. I've always made my son lunch and taken him to school.
It never gets worse or motivating enough to quit. But I want to. Very, very badly.
I know I am that person that needs accountability to quit. I think that's why I'm subconsciously waiting for a rock bottom moment but I think I need to realize that the other parts of my personality may never let that happen. I told the hubs this morning DO NOT BRING WINE home tonight if I text around 5pm. He agreed. He said we'll dry out for awhile and just not drink.
Hello clueless! I said "you know I'm an alcoholic, right?" It's not as simple as just deciding not to drink. I think it might be for him actually......but time will tell. When I said let's do 30 days awhile ago, he did it with me. Didn't seem to have any issue. But if I say "oh let's have wine", he's out the door lickety split. I think I am just further along in identifying an issue than he might be. And he outweighs me so alcohol may not affect him as much nor be quite as unhealthy.
He really thinks we are "heavy drinkers" but not "problem drinkers". I think they are one and the same.
Regardless, I need a support system. I need outside accountability but I'm not ready to get family and close friends involved. I've tried this blog and maybe I just need to move it to wordpress because I know folks have a hard time commenting. If you can let people know to check out my blog to help me, that would be great.
I know AA is an option but right now I'm not open to it. I hate meetings and group scenarios. I hate zoom stuff. This blog may still be an okay tool as is, but we'll see. I still crave anonymity through my struggles and I'm never sure where I can really comfortably hang out online. I also don't want to embark on something that will be a huge time sink. Finding time to write this today was a struggle.
Right now my tools are books, blogs and the Bubble Hour. Are there any other good podcasts? I've listened to the TED talk on gray area drinking which was great and so me. I need to find other stories of people who quit when they got to my stage, before they hit a "rock bottom". If you have any suggestions for books like that, let me know. I've read a lot but finding other posts or books like Sober Mummy's and Mrs D's stuff resonates the most with me. I think I've read most of the popular books....to no avail. You'd think one of them would motivate me. Or maybe I am motivated, I just have no commitment.....not sure.
I think you know what I mean. We all have our rock bottoms and maybe this IS mine!!
I'm really going to try and get through tonight, and the next and the next....