Where'd ya go time?

I can't believe 9 days has passed by so quickly.  Normally, when I try to quit drinking, time slows down.  In fact I rejoice in that.  When I'm drinking it feels like time speeds by, day after day, with no self-improvement and just day upon day adding to my frustrations with myself as I tell myself I won't drink that night and then I do.  Even if I don't get drunk or don't drink the whole bottle, I'm still usually continually frustrated with my inability to stop at one glass.

So when I stop, time drags for a bit.  I sort of like the feeling of dealing with cravings, the days dragging from 1 to 2 to 3 as I get through it.

But this time is bizarre.  It's like time sped up.  I can't believe that as of tonight I won't have had a drink in 9 full days.  I, strangely enough, am disinterested in drinking right now.   Maybe my focus on my health is keeping cravings at bay.  In the evenings I feel a little irritated, that it would be nice to slip away on the soothing waves of wine, but it's just not for me.  I know that feeling is fleeting.

I've spent every evening either sitting in the jacuzzi with the hubs before dinner or sitting outside and enjoying the evening, sans wine.  If I think back on it, it feels like I had wine.  Odd.  I'm just as relaxed from it even if I am a little tense in the beginning of those sessions.  But I pour my mocktail and magic happens.  I become as relaxed as I did with wine but I don't forget to make dinner!

(Mocktail:  1/3 Pellegrino water, 1/3 flavored sparkling water or flavored iced tea, 1/3 club soda, splash of lime juice and splash of a shrub.  Just bitter enough to feel alcoholic.)

Last night I said I would give my right arm for a bottle of wine.  And laughed.  I really didn't mean it.  I just wanted it for that initial tension.  But once I started drinking my mocktail, the tension slipped away.  The act of just enjoying the evening, watching the hummingbirds, talking with the hubs, still eased away stress and anxiety.  When I went in to deal with dinner I felt as relaxed as I did after wine but I wasn't buzzed nor trying to figure out how to pour more.  Hmmm.....

I know I need to be careful and protective of not drinking.  We discovered a local cheese store that normally sells to businesses.  We can go pick up cheese and charcuterie and bring it home.  Holy cow is that cheese awesome.  I have been cheese deprived.  This is my new thing.  And the salami and other meats, wow.  Who knew?  So of course hubs sends me an invite for a virtual cheese evening.  We can go pick up a package and sit at home and they will teach about cheese pairings with charcuterie to build a tasting board.  But then I saw it.  One bottle of wine is included with the package and you can ADD on up to two more.  I think we'll skip this and just keep buying the stuff and enjoying the taste.  Probably as fattening as chocolate but feels healthier!  Oh well.

After dinner we watched Rocketman about Elton John.  Wow, that was timely.  Scary.  The fact that he presented this biopic about himself and presented himself that way was eye opening.  Nobody did that after he passed, he is alive and shared that.  My one vice is alcohol.  I admit to never having smoked a cigarette, never smoked weed or had any THC, never tried any other recreational drugs, and I'm not a gambler nor a sex addict.  His world was so messed up before he became sober and he's been sober 28 years as of that movie.

I suppose the fact that he made it to 73 and was 45 when he sobered up gives me hope.  I don't think I've done THAT much damage to my body.  Hopefully.

The hubs still has alcohol but it's interesting.  He just doesn't have too much unless I let loose too.  I see him taking a shot of whiskey and putting it into his cola.  He had some red wine he drank one night and the bottle lasted two days.  Yesterday he seemed so alert and happy I asked if he had snuck in a vape or somesuch.  Nope.  He had just ridden his horse again that morning and headed out this morning to do the same.  I really need to get back into riding!

I feel optimistic today.  I've done a lot of thinking this past week about my drinking.  Written a few blog posts I haven't published that I might finalize and do so later.  I feel like a creature who has scuttled into a corner to lick it's wounds.  I got caught up on work and started house cleaning again.  I'm going to take this weekend and do things I want to around the house.  I hope to figure out my exercise routine next week but for right now I'm cutting myself a break.  It's enough not to drink and I wasn't exercising very well while drinking lately anyway.

Happy weekend,
HD