But it just felt so good.......sort of....

Hello blog,

I'm back.  I can't believe I haven't written since November.  Frankly, I just got tired with all the bullshit going on in my head about drinking and decided to tune it out......by drinking.  Aargh.

My problem is it felt so "good" I thought.  Coming home at the end of the day was so exciting!  I looked forward to "wine"-ding down with wine.

My drinking self kept telling me how good I looked, how great I felt.  I was working out a lot, had been consistently for a year and a half!  I had the best relationship yet with the hubs.  Felt better about myself in years......except for the drinking.

I still couldn't beat the shame and loathing that went on deep inside me because EVERY FRICKING TIME I had a glass of wine it led to more.  No matter what I did, no matter how many times I said it wouldn't.

While I still had some times where I didn't remember much after dinner, I was never really hung over the next day.  Got up and went to the gym.  I was gaining weight, though, not losing.  I still had moments where I know my son could tell I'd had a "few".  (I hid that by drinking more after dinner when he had left the table and gone back into his room - or I drank so much right before dinner that it didn't appear to hit me until later. )

I finally, however, couldn't ignore the health symptoms sneaking up on me.  They were really subtle.  Last August my legs starting hurting at night.  I've thought sciatica, piriformis syndrome, etc.  I went to the doctor in late October and that's what he thought it was.  I had had great bloodwork in June so he didn't retest.  He felt my abdomen and didn't see any liver or other issues.  Phew, home free.  Okay so I continued drinking with occasional bouts of stopping.

My fingernails started going weird on me.  The whites starting melting back was the only way to describe it.  Still not sure if that was nail fungus from a funky manicure or something else.  I think I have finally beat that but it took months.  I amp'd up on vitamins that included vitamin B, just to be safe.

My legs started hurting more, however, down the sides.  I think I have some sort of Peroneal Nerve damage.  Not much but enough to notice.  Hmmm.....that's related to alcohol abuse.

Bottom line is I abuse alcohol even if I don't get to the point of real embarrassment or any "rock bottom" defining moments.  I think it may be harder to stop when you are a huge gray area drinker as I am.  There is so much of the feel good to remember and not enough of the bad.

I got to a point though over the last few weeks where I just needed to change.  Not really sure what was pivotal but it started with quitting working out to relax my legs for a bit and get a restart.  I used a personal trainer who was one of those who talked about nothing except her own weight and detoxing and dieting and I just got totally burned out.

I started Nutrisystem back on Feb 9 to start losing weight.  I didn't have dramatic loss because I kept drinking quite often but I'm down about 10 lbs. 

I started up with some sober tools I had never tried before.  New books, Bubble hour etc.  They really helped.

I debated coming back to my blog because every time I write about how well I'm doing, I then quit on myself.  But I thought, well, maybe a comment here or there will help me when I get those bad cravings.  This time really does feel different.  No, for real, it does.  I'll get into that more later.

I'm on Day 4 today as I start counting again.  I looked at my first Day 4 from when I first started my blog.........  DAY 4 - I FEEL SO SMALL

Wow.  It really hit home this morning that every word is still true.  On top of that, in today's environment, I still have a job paying income, the hubs has a job paying income and my son loves quarantine.  The little stinker gamer has been training for it his whole life!  School is actually keeping him busy at home and he gets to socialize with the world through his technology.

Drinking has no place in my life.  I feel pitifull.  So weak.  There is no reason for my drinking.  It is just a gawdawful habit that I need to be done with.  I can't moderate and my immune system is going to be trashed if I continue.  My family has a history of cancer, albeit surviving it, but still.  Why am I contributing to this possible eventuality?  I CAN learn to relax in the evening and have joy in my life without alcohol, I just have to be patient!

What a rambling blog post.  Oh well.  I just felt I needed to get it down that I was trying again.  I'm not sure how often I'll blog.  I'm trying to resurrect my piano playing and my spanish learning.  So many things I can do instead of drinking!!

Let me know if anyone reads this and is joining me.  It does help to have a sober buddy.  And Lia, if you read this, I'm sorry to have not been in touch, just didn't want to be a trigger to you or anyone else until I could get my shit together to really, really try again.

I have read so often that it takes 3 or 4 years for someone to really stop after they truly identify they have a problem.  Well, I am at my 4 year point so here goes.....

Today, I'm proud I cooked a full Easter dinner yesterday, with no alcohol involved!  An 8lb ham for 3 people!  Lol.  We're going to be having ham for awhile in our house.   But I did it all sober!  Hooray! (note:  Easter has always been emotional for me since I got engaged to first hubby on Easter.  It was always a special day for me even before that.  Sucked to get divorced and remember that every Easter.  And then having Easter yesterday with no other family around really stunk.  So doing it sober and the first time I ever cooked a ham by myself (okay warmed it up and glazed it but whatever....) was just a really big deal for me.

Hugs to everyone struggling right now and thanks to all the bloggers who continue to cheer me up with their posts that they don't even know I read.  I know my blog is hard to comment on so anyone can email me at habitdone@gmail.com if they prefer that.

Onward,
HD