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Friday, April 24, 2020

I abuse alcohol because........

….early on I used it in a manner that was not how society portrays it should be used.  I used it for buzz, for making me feel care free, to ease anxiety or ill at ease feelings, or to zone out.  I have never really used alcohol as a complement or pairing to food and really couldn't give a shit what flavors, what hints of ingredients are in it once I'm beyond about 1/2 glass.  I drink to drink not to taste.  Bottom line.

I've spent a lot of mental energy in the last two weeks trying to figure out "why" I drink.  As if there is a magical reason that if i fix it, I won't need to drink.  I have started with present day and I keep going back and back and back.

- Do I abuse alcohol as a means of coping with my life now because I am not where I thought I would be in life or whom I would be with?  Possibly but even if that's the case I abused alcohol before I go further back....

- Did I abuse alcohol as a means of coping with my divorce? Umm....sure, but I abused alcohol before that.….so I go further back....

- Did I abuse alcohol as a means of dealing with parenting?  Maybe......from time to time....but I abused alcohol before I go further back

- Did I abuse alcohol because my first husband and I got bored with each other and it was a way of tuning out our life dissatisfaction?  Possibly.....but I abused alcohol before I go further back

- Did I abuse alcohol because I regretted getting married so young and maybe I rushed into things?  Could be......but I abused alcohol before that...….so I go further back

- Did I abuse alcohol while my ex and I were dating because I was struggling to figure out what I wanted in life and if he was the right guy?  Not sure, I did love him....but it doesn't matter....I abused alcohol before I go further back

- Did I abuse alcohol because of the college environment and it felt so adult to drink? For sure....but I abused alcohol before I go further back

- Did I abuse alcohol in college because I was uncomfortable around men and the dating scene and I needed to be very loose to be social?  Yes, that certainly seems the start of things.....but I abused alcohol before I go further back

- Did I abuse alcohol in high school?  Sort of.

- Did I have an abused or traumatic childhood?  Nope.  Was loved, nurtured and supported by all.

I can come up with a lot of reasons why I drink and I do think it's personality related in some way.  I've never thought of myself as someone who has anxiety or depression and I've certainly never had panic attacks.  I don't really overly worry or obsess about things, I just move on.  But in re-reading the above, I get the feeling that I have had anxiety about things in life and all the way back to high school I began using alcohol to redirect away from that.  A little feeling of anxiety?  Drink it away.  Interesting.

These past few nights around 4:30pm I have been chuckling with a grimace.  I want wine really bad.  I want to sit and escape.  From what?  I'm not really sure, haven't dove into that too deep yet.  But I get that flutter in my body, that agitation, that need.  At 15 days, I wonder if that is the emotional addiction to alcohol lingering or is it something else?  So I am trying to spend time evaluating my life's issues in the morning, during a better period of clarity not being compounded by cravings.

Every day I'm thinking of an event at the age that matches my day of non drinking.  It's showing me that I have always exhibited a disorder when using alcohol.

Age 14:  Pinch-hitted as a date for a winter formal.  Limo drove us around afterward, I got buzzed on champagne.  Drank to fit in and I was nervous because I didn't know everyone.

Age 15: Don't really remember much other than going to a popular kids party, lots of drinking there.  I didn't fit in and didn't want to drink so my friend and I left.  But we would always try to have champagne on Christmas and New Years.  Tried to swipe glasses of wine when we could because it felt adult.  Probably just lack of opportunity and I had a lot of stuff going on in my life elsewise to keep me busy.

Will be interesting (well, for me, lol, probably not for anyone reading this) to see what the next 35 days of memories hold for me.

My plan is to recollect a bit until then and dive into some situations that might explain why I feel the need for alcohol to cope with my life.  I know using alcohol has held me back from what I can accomplish.  I need to find myself... as cliché as that sounds.

Happy Friday,


  1. Great post HD! So glad you are pushing through the witching hours. Well done!!! I have had similar reflections on the whys and wherefores of my drinking problem. I do know it stemmed from anxiety throughout my life as a coping mechanism. It's only now that I am learning how to cope without the crutch of alcohol. Keeping busy and getting outside in nature during the witching hours is what worked for me these past two plus years. Keep going - you are doing great!!
    Hugs, J xx

    1. Thanks! Yes, I am trying to resign myself to the craving time and hoping that someday those feelings fade away.

  2. It’s interesting to look back on our drinking history.
    I definitely used alcohol to cope later in life.
    Early life, didn’t drink much.
    Like Joni said, I have/ am learning to cope with life as is.
    Boredom, social situations, stress.
    Getting outside has been the best for me, too.

    1. Went on a hike with the hubs and dogs this morning for first time in a long while. Saw horny toads and one dog did a bizarre dance until we realized he was courting a Mojave green snake. Oops. Fortunately got him away before he lost the dance. Nice to be outdoors again!

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