Busy Brain

As always, in the early days of quitting drinking, my mind is whirring.  One minute I think of one aspect of my historical drinking habits, then whammo, another thought hops on the hamster wheel.

This morning I listened to the Bubble Hour, to Barry's story from 2 weeks ago.  Chilled me to the bone.  As host Jean said, we are all really just one breath away from what happened to her and her son.

While I was careful to never drink too much and drive my son anywhere, just the thought of the number of times that I left him up, playing with his friends on his computer, as I grayed out and went to bed.  What if something had happened to him and I wasn't able to deal with it?   What about those times I DID drive after having some wine.  I felt okay but what if I really wasn't, got pulled over and my child had gotten taken away from me?  So scary.

Tonight I had a craving around 4:30 but I was prepared for it.  I just sat through it.  I knew, just knew, if I gave it an hour, I would be okay......and I was.

The hubs left to mail something around then and he asked if I needed him to get anything while he was out.  I think that was code for "if you ask me to go get wine, I will".  I resisted and said that I was good.  I went back to working on my computer until he got home.  My wicked witch was screaming....just ask him to get a bottle of wine!  I didn't really want it, I just had that anxious tension feeling I get at the end of the day.  I wanted to wake up fresh in the morning tomorrow more than I wanted that wine.   Fortunately he has a competitive streak.  He wants to drink wine but won't admit it and yet probably hopes I ask for it!  So if don't, he doesn't drink much either.

Around 5:30 hubs and I sat down and chatted and I had a mocktail.  Then I took my son out to get dinner - first fast food he has had in a month, poor thing - and then I poured another mocktail when I got back while hubs was working again.  Hubs and I had dinner while watching tv and I had another mocktail.  I'm about to explode with sparkling water, lol, but I didn't drink!

It's been a long time since I pushed through cravings.  Over the past year I either didn't drink because it was easy or caved because that seemed easier.  I'm trying to tell myself just get to 7pm and if you still really want to drink you can.  By then I find I don't want to.  It's too late for me.

Day 11 done.

HD