The "but, but, but, I WANT that" s

Me again.  I shouldn't be taking the time to blog...….then again maybe I need to.

Nelson commented on my last post "take good care of yourself, especially if you continue drinking".  How ironic.  What a true oxymoron.  Made me shake myself a bit.

I made it through last night.  Had a nice early dinner out with friends and it was just as fun with water.  I stuffed my face (we WERE using gift cards I had afterall) and waddled out back into the car.  I thought how nice it was to be driving us home on a Saturday night, defensively driving for drunks on the road, and feeling clear in the head.  We were so full we rolled right into bed by 8:30.  I SLEPT GREAT!!!

Again, tonight should be easy.  Hubs is working late so I know I will have cravings but he'll get home after them.

I am actually so tired of the effects of drinking that I think getting through to next Sunday will be doable.  Then I will really need to pull out some tools to get through the future.  Those 6 bottles of Chardonnay in my wine refrigerator will be calling like lost souls.  I know there is thought to getting rid of them.  Moving them somewhere.  But I want to learn to get beyond that.  I want to have wine here for friends who can drink normally.  I actually enjoy the hubs after he has a few glasses.  He actually gets buzzed faster than me now.  I don't weigh exactly what he does but he has leaned out so much it affects him more.

He opens up so much more with a glass or two and rarely drinks the whole bottle if I'm not drinking.  He will stop.  I don't.  I never do.  I have spent the last few months trying to stop at 2 glasses.  It's futile.  I have no problem not drinking too much when at a party or out for dinner.  I know that sounds odd but that's me.  It's at home where I just succumb to the beast.  I absolutely can't drink at home in a relaxing setting.

I could say here, okay I will only drink around friends or out for dinner but that seems to keep leading to drinking at home.

I want to examine why I really drink.  It really boils down to two reasons:
1) I like the taste of Chardonnay.
2) It does help me relax.

There are all these studies you can find about how "healthy" drinking, a glass a night, truly is healthy.  Well, of course it is.  If it helps a person relax, just the habit, the drinking of that one glass that in of itself doesn't provide a lot of ill effects, then, duh, a person might be healthier overall BECAUSE they are relaxed.  This doesn't seem like rocket science to me.  It's not really the alcohol so much as the process and the way the person "thinks" wine is helping them.

But when you start venturing beyond one or two a night, the research is certainly there to say it's a health hazard.  And if you are a person who CANNOT stop at one or two glasses, then I would say the verdict is in.  I can't do this safely.

I need to learn to tame the "but, but, but, I WANT that" voice.  Or at least acknowledge that's what is going on.

I tame it with other things.  I WANT that nicer car - umm, no, you can't afford that.  I WANT that donut - umm, no we are not stopping at Winchells nor Krispy Kreme.  I WANT that ice cream in my freezer - umm, no you can't afford those calories.

It always amazes me that this thought of "it will make you fat" goes through my head if I think of drinking a beer on a weekend afternoon, eating the ice cream bars that sit in my freezer for months,  eating all the cookies in the cookie jar (I do still sneak one a day), stopping at the cheesesteak fast food place, buying donuts or big bagels at the grocery store, even buying the big loaves of fresh bakery bread that smell so good.

I can pass all that by and then be absolutely compelled, just totally consumed about opening that bottle of white wine.  I get so grumpy if all we have is red.  I know I don't really like the taste of it and I know I will get heartburn.  I generally don't drink as much although if I get beyond glass 3 I don't taste it anymore.  It amazes me that I don't consider calories in this setting.

I think growing up I was conditioned that white wine was a lesser calorie alternative.  One 5oz glass of Chardonnay has about 120 calories.  One bottle has about 600 calories.  7 blocks of my favorite chocolate is 200 calories.

If I opt for the chocolate, I can have 200 calories and no strange effects and muscle through the wine craving or I can say I'm only going to have 5 oz of wine (lol, that's funny even writing) and have 120 calories.

I have been consuming an extra 600 fucking calories a night when I drink a full bottle.  No wonder I am getting fat!!  I should lose 400 calories by skipping wine and eating chocolate.  I should lose a lb after skipping just 8.5 nights of drinking. (400 x 8.5 = 3,500 calories.)  Okay, well maybe not exactly as it depends upon what I'm eating but they say every extra 3500 calories over what you are burning is a lb of weight gain.  Assuming I burn everything else I eat......not quite.....then I should lose weight by not drinking alone.

Okay, so that can't happen until diet is in order but I should at least slow down the weight gaining process.

The bottom line is that I like the taste and I like how relaxed I feel about the process of drinking.  I need to feel every bit of grumpiness as a sign that I am addicted.  Pushing through the cravings, working on my health overall will yield much more happiness than this place where I am at. It is STUPID to be so happy with everything else in my life and to feel bad about myself only because of alcohol and yet I continue imbibing.

Okay reading what I just wrote is amazing and scary at the same time.  Lord I feel like an idiot. I'm going to go get another cup of tea and go re-read the first 7 days of The Alcohol Experiment again.   Then getting to the gym for a workout.  Then working the rest of the day.  I WILL push through tonight.

Thanks for listening, thanks for the support.

HD