And again....

Wow, I really haven't blogged in a long time.  I have no idea who even reads this blog but whatever.  Why I feel compelled today, I have no idea.  This is the first time I've sat down in a long time with my cup of tea, early in the morning and am back at it.  Used to be such a habit at one time.

I really don't have this time luxury. I need to make this fast.  I guess I just feel the need to document where I am.

2015 - I identified I really have a problem and found an online universe where others did too.  I knew my drinking wasn't normal but it was my "need" to drink that really was the issue.  I was starting to feel physical effects: blackouts, gastritis, etc.

2016 - Got with the program, blogged, did 125 days, got into exercise, began working through some emotional issues, felt much better and went back to drinking but not like I had been.

2017 - Managed to drink without getting as many blackouts.  Still had moments feeling groggy in the morning, disrupted sleep.  Always hated myself after drinking.  Exercise fell by the wayside. Gained weight.  Finally got free of a lot of emotional baggage.  Peri-menopause hit full force.

2018 - Got into regular exercise at a minimum of 3 days a week.  Kept weight at same level.  Emotionally felt great.  Still drank regularly.  Peri-menopause still horrible.

2019 - Finally did 30 days again with Lia.  First time since 2016.  Uggh.  Finally realized I basically am a true functioning alcoholic even though I hate that label.  But I think it's true.  Am managing Peri-Menopause better.  Still struggling with diet, exercise and weight gain.

I turned 50 this fall.  I love my life in general:  Love my job, love my family, feel financially good and 9.5 years later I finally feel free of all baggage from my divorce. I have learned how to deal with the current hubs and am so much happier. But I hate my body and the fact that I relax with alcohol.  I REALLY do relax with it that's what stinks.  Hubs and I have fun conversation and, frankly, pardon the TMI, sometimes some awesome sex under the influence.  I don't drink too much with family or when out but at home I just let go.  I don't, however, need those nights of sleep disruption, dehydration, morning grogginess, my son noticing my "offness" sometimes, ill health effects and impact on exercise on diet.  

I notice that more and more I need the alcohol to relax during sex.  Because I hate my body.  Despite hubs loving it, being super complimentary, I am embarrassed of myself.  I need to learn to love my lumps and bumps and I have huge emotional issues around this from being raised by an overweight mother.  It's not that she was overweight that was the issue. I hate that she talks about how much exercise she does, when she doesn't, and about her diet which consists of her not eating much in front of family and then scarfing off everyone's plates as she does dishes.  All she cooks is carbs, carbs, carbs.  I never wanted to be like her and turning into her at my age is scaring the shit out of me.  She uses food, I use alcohol.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...….I've watched my whole life about her talking about being someone different weight-wise and I've been the same with alcohol....just talk, talk, talk, and no real commitment.

I feel stronger than in the past but that split personality that happens around 5pm is daunting and real. I really am battling a beast.

I still go to the gym at least 3 times a week but I need to get back into exercising daily.  The problem with gaining weight is that I can drink a bottle of wine a night without much issues.  More than that and I really feel it.  I was blacking out back in 2016 when I got to 3/4 of a bottle.  And I was 20 lbs lighter.

I hate that when I started my blog in 2016 THEN I wanted to lose 20 lbs.  Goodness.  Now it's 40.  My own fault.

I'm on Day 6 today.  Maybe I should keep blogging and look for support here.  Not sure.  So many of the blogs I follow are of people so far ahead of me.  I would love to be with others like me.  Lia is my sober buddy right now and I'm concerned I'll let her down.  That I'm really not committed.

I tend to blog after not drinking for a few days and then I drink.  I can see the cycle clearly. It's probably my way of trying to intervene and stop the mental struggle as I feel I want to drink again.

I was feeling great yesterday and sat down in the morning to work from home.  THEN the doorbell rang.....I had to sign for a box of 6 bottles of wine my hubs had ordered.  FFS.  I opened the box to put them in the wine cabinet and none of the whites were Chardonnay.  Now I was mad.  I only like Chardonnay and the hubs knows it.

See this?  I was upset he had even ordered the wine and then was irritated he didn't get what I liked.  Oh geez.  I texted him and he said he thought they might be good hostess/xmas gifts.  Okay....breathe.

And I did right up until the 15 BOTTLE carton of Naked Wines arrived at my front door and I also had to go out and sign for them.  Holy crap.  I put those away too.  Yep, about 7 Chardonnay and 1 Sauvignon Blanc.  Uggh.

I worked on my computer until about 8:45pm last night.  Husband was enjoying a new Pinot Noir.  He offered me a glass.  First I say yes then said no.  I just checked.  He has half a bottle left.  Sigh. That wouldn't be me.

Tonight will be okay.  We are going out to dinner with friends to a steakhouse.  She doesn't drink and he might have a beer. I won't drink because I'll drive and hubs can enjoy red.  When we get back it will be late so I won't want to open anything.

Tomorrow will be a test.  Hubs does have to work in late afternoon early evening so hopefully that helps.  I'm at my busiest season work wise so I think that will keep me from drinking then.

My son is out of town and we don't see him until Wed when we drive to meet him.  Monday after work will be tough.  I need to really pre-think that evening.

Writing this, I really think I can make it to Thanksgiving.  Then my family is there.  I wouldn't drink too much but I don't know if I can not drink at all.  I may just accept the wine and do the glass swapping with the hubs so he has two and nobody notices.

What I do know is that I am addicted to the thought of wine.  I have zero withdrawal effects when I stop.  I'm not moody if I don't drink, just a little bummed until the craving passes but then I'm back to my old self.  Why it is so hard to stay in this state, I don't know.  Just the brain workings I guess.

Oh well, back to my other computer and work.  I feel like I'm getting over the hump so that hopefully soon I can focus on cleaning my house and the holiday preparations.

Hugs to all those in my boat.

HD