I Feel So Small!

Day 4   morning.....preparing for evening

I decided to write this morning because I'll need to look back at this at wine o'clock tonight.  Today will be my first evening back with hubby, chatting after work.  My toughest time and biggest trigger for cravings.

This sober universe of folks trying to struggle with the same dilemma makes me feel so small. While we all "got here" for different reasons, we all have a solution that is "one size fits all".  Stop drinking. I think about why I drink (I'll reflect and make that another post later) and, after reading so many stories, I admit that I am ASHAMED. I feel so GUILTY for not being able to moderate.  I feel so stupid for whining about it.

You see, I would describe myself as a 46 year old female with a great husband (#2) and a wonderful teenage son.  I have a good job, decent career, not rich but well-off enough not to be too scared of retirement someday.  I'm an easy-going, generally happy person.  My son and I joke that we have anger management issues....we can never manage to stay angry at anyone!

I'm not Ms Giggles mind you, I don't have an acre wide smile all the time, but I'm still pretty cheery, a bit sarcastic perhaps, but generally a "glass half-full" vs "half empty" gal.  Pretty even-keeled I'd say.

I'm middle of the road social-wise, don't need a huge friend network but easily strike up conversations in social situations and have long standing relationships with old friends that I can pick up anytime.  Not shy, no social anxiety, love talking in front of groups. Have been through some stressful times but I never ride the "bitter bus."  As an ex-wife I deplore those women that engage in malicious mother syndrome.  (This is a real term! Google it, they are out there!)   I don't ever really feel what I would call depressed.  I'm really at ease with myself and like to put others at ease..I think.
 
For the most part I don't think I focus much on the majority of insecurities that we, as females, deal with.  I don't think I give a lot of energy to the below:

- am I pretty enough? (I would like to improve a few things, but I'm pretty happy)
- am I thin/fit enough?  (Okay, no, but I'm still happy...just need to work on this)
- am I truly loved and appreciated?  (Yep, feel pretty good here)
- am I fashionable enough?  (Maybe not so much anymore but that comes and goes)
- am I the best Mom?  (I think I'm pretty good except those nights I drank too much)
- am I the best Wife?  (Always room for improvement here but I think it's working)
- do I have enough money?  (Well, who ever does, but I'm not starving)

I suppose I might worry about these things subconsciously.....but, again, for another post.

I need to write that I feel ashamed and guilty that with all the above going for me, that I can't stop drinking wine, specifically white wine, once I start.  I SHOULD be able to laugh, toss back a glass, maybe two and then be done.  I haven't really had a hard life.  No major tragedies.  Even made it through an almost 2 decade marriage followed by divorce and stayed pretty intact and together on the inside.

So many people have soooo much going on in their life that I want to shout "heck yeh, YOU deserve to drink!"  The fact that all these others are trying to stop amidst all of their life issues is so impressive, makes me want to cry with them.  Life can be hard, brutal for some and no wonder some get depressed.  It's a normal response.  Developing coping mechanisms is easy inside an easy life. Trying to do so when constantly being assaulted with life's varied and sometimes harsh situations is rough.

So here's a shout-out to all of you struggling with life's issues AND trying to tackle not drinking on top of that!  I'm a wimp.  But your struggles have empowered me to really try and commit to getting myself back at the top of my game.  Thank you!

I hope this doesn't come across as self-righteous or smug. I don't mean it that way.  I just need to put my big-girl panties on and make this work!  The rest of you are a true inspiration to me.  You can bet I will be thinking about this tonight at wine o'clock.  If others can stop, I CAN TOO!!

HD