Moderation? Ha!

Day 5

I read somewhere that most alcohol has left your body in 3 days.  As I go into the evening of the 5th day I will go with that assumption for now.  I know there are conflicting opinions on this.  However, I will presume I have a clear head for reflection.  (Possibly why last night was the first night I had trouble falling asleep....some withdrawal may be kicking in!)

I think I need to separate out the "why I drink" and "why I drink TOO much".  I really feel they are separate issues.

The "why I drink" can correlate to "why I would love to have a donut", "why I would love to eat chocolate or cookies", heck, even "why I want to sit down with a good book and blow off life."  I think it's quite simply about those endorphins and serotonins being produced.  I'm probably using these words somewhat "off" but at least I understand what I mean!

Bottom line, wine makes me THINK I feel good.  So does chocolate, donuts, cookies, chips, and some activities like reading a book and, believe it or not, any paperwork requiring reconciling numbers, budgeting, etc.  Seriously, I will blow off exercise, cleaning, cooking and laundry to balance my checkbook.  I should have been an Accountant.  This is where some of you say "ok, I'm not like this gal".  No worries.  I get it.  But this is me.

In reflection, however, I have always had a tendency to binge a little.  I can remember eating an entire box of  "thin mint cookies" after school...(hmm...blamed it on my brother...they are good for that).

I can remember sneaking a tube of frosting in the grocery cart from the bakery aisle and grabbing it out of the cart at home only to slink off to my room and squirt it all down my throat.  Yikes.  Red tongue alerted Mom to that one.

I can remember Mom having to stop using children's vitamins because I started snacking on them - they tasted yummy - oops.

Now, as I got older, I got control of these things.  I can have a chocolate bar in the house and eat one square as a treat.  I no longer socialize with other sweets like donuts or frosting tubes, but I certainly love that corner piece of a sheet cake at the office party!  I get my chores done and manage to keep order in my life.  (I think I have gone off sweets because of the wine as a substitute so it will be interesting to see what sweet cravings crop back up!)

WHY do I not over indulge in things that make me feel good?  Because I have control.  These temptations which cause those neurotransmitters to activate are then tempered by my willpower.

BUT ALCOHOL KILLS WILLPOWER because it is a drug.  Duh! I am powerless if I drink a drug that does this to me.  Why do I expect different?  If someone gave me truth serum would I be surprised that I couldn't hold anything in?  No!

That is the difference I have decided.  It's my theory anyway.  For me, wine is just about feeling relaxed, feeling good....and I'm not truly stressed in the first place.  It's not a social thing which is why I think I do it mostly at home.

I think some people can overcome, battle and win against the effects of this drug.  (The same folks probably never snuck frosting into their bedroom...)...but I cannot.

As such, when taking this drug there is no way I can really win.  Seeing it as a drug helps quell my desire for it.  I will never likely be able to moderate unless I have some way to overcome the drug's effects.  Right now I don't think I can.  (Again that lack of "forever" in my writing but I'll take that for now.....)

HD