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Saturday, May 2, 2020

4ever

I've always had a hard time with sticking with anything in the "forever" sense.  No matter what I decide to do, I'll do it pretty easily and for awhile.....and then....I'll come and go back to whatever it was.  Especially if it's something just for me.  Piano, learning Spanish, cooking, exercise, to name a few.  "Not drinking" is in that same category for me.  Always has been.  While I would love to say I'm never drinking again, that won't fly.  I know it.

I agree with Annie Grace in that this is a process whereby once you decide you don't want to drink, you have victory.  I also know that I'll never get there unless I have extended sobriety, otherwise it will be a continued battle, so that's still my goal.

This week was good brain food though, for me.  I drank Monday night and slept great.  So I had wine Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night.  Uggh.   It was just so obvious this time.  With just one sip I'm back on the train.

Fortunately I do have an attitude of this isn't what I want.  It's not even that I think I might be able to handle it.  I just took the drug to help ease pain and voila, I was back at it.  I could feel the train leaving the station again so I hopped off, sent it on it's way and it was lovely to wake up early today feeling pretty good.

I'm still going to track days as I think it's helpful in one sense but if I screw up, I'm going to view it as reinforcement and get back at it.  I don't know if forever will work for me but longer and longer periods of not drinking is certainly doable.  That and recognizing that one ride on the train doesn't mean I have to ride it all the time!

Going to try and deal with anxiety over health issues this week......without wine!!!

Happy Saturday,
HD

10 comments:

  1. Yes, I’m not sure what clicked in me, but I knew I had to quit.
    A deep down knowing, I can’t articulate. Just knew alcohol was causing more pain than fun.
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. I’m with Wendy. There comes a point where you think I’m not sure I want this constant juggling act. Suddenly it can become clear. But its such an individual thing. You will know when and what’s right for you though. It will come. Jim X

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  3. the awareness that alcohol is a choice, and you don't have to drink is pretty big. it's a bunch of little steps that lead to sobriety.

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    1. I hear you. Just feel like it's taking way too long in my case..

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  4. Echo everyone’s comments here. I can’t really put into words for me, but yes it’s just not wanting to put yourself through the pain anymore. Relapsing I sometimes muse, is a necessary thing, so that you know intimately the pain of it, then come to a place of not wanting to drink anymore. The thing I found so hard in my drinking time was desperately not wanting I to drink and at the same time, drinking.

    I crave quite a bit at the moment, because of boredom, or wanting to make a change from day to evening when just stuck at home, but a short run through in my head of the pain, and terrible loop drinking gets me in, stops me from following through with my craving. Love to you HD, hope your weeks has been good xx

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    1. I really appreciate your support. I made some mental strides this week and I think I'm ready to try again.

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