Like watching Nascar

It's strange, posting today.  I'm not that into blogging right now.  But I know I check out some blogs and like to see how people are doing.

I think I've written this before.....deja vu......But, in the early stages I felt like my blog lurking was more like watching the Indy 500.  Was I really watching for the crash or was I watching for the different racing techniques, and to see who won?  Sometimes I wasn't sure.  As I struggled, it did give me a perverse warm fuzzy when I saw someone who had been sober fall off the wagon.

But as I've struggled over the years I realize it's more than that now.  Now I'm cheering others on so that they win with whatever their goals are be them moderation or total sobriety.  My heart hurts when someone truly crashes, especially if they feel bad about themselves because of it.  I am inspired by blogs of those succeeding in their lives, inspired by quotes they post, inspired by thoughts they dive into.

I no longer look at blogs to search for the negative, to justify myself.  I look to blogs to inspire me to be a better person in many ways even more than in regard to alcohol.  I've become a bit addicted to this universe.  If I'm not careful I would spend too much time here.  So I no longer do.  I very quickly check the feed for blogs I follow.  Sometimes I read in depth, sometimes I just peruse, sometimes I comment.

I felt a need today to just check in.  I do seem to outwardly commit and then let myself fail.  My failures, though, nowadays, seem to be just "sighs".  A "dang it", shouldn't have done that, followed by a get back up on my feet.  No real drunk moments, no real hangovers, can't remember the last time I drank and had a headache the next day.  But definitely still too many "I shouldn't have drunk that much" times.

It's still work in progress.  If I get somewhere I'll let you know but for now know that I'm trying, feeling okay.  Actually I feel great.  I should say that.  I have integrated exercise into my life as someone who hated exercise.  If you look at the full web version of this page you can see other pages I post from time to time and there is one there of my exercise log.  I don't know if it would help anyone but if you hate exercise, there is hope.

I've heard it takes 3 months to change a habit.  As I come to the end of my 3rd month of trying to daily exercise, I feel a change.  I now feel I have to fit something in, whatever it is.  I put no pressure on myself as to what but I have a huge desire now to just do something.  And I enjoy it when I do it which is the biggest change.  For me I had to incorporate accountability.  I work with a trainer 3 times a week and go to Pilates twice a week.  I can rest a day and then do something else, anything else the other days.  I'm about to drop the trainer down to 2 days to keep learning how to exercise on my own.

I'm also really happy in my relationship with the hubs, so calm now, so accepting.  I think exercise and some mindfulness have helped in that regard, some gratitude exercises.   I still lose to the stress monster sometimes but I don't sit with him for too long.   Instead I try to work through the stress and turn it back into something positive.

I'm fortunate that, as someone who needs external accountability for things, that I can afford the trainer and pilates right now.  Okay, well, I really can't but I'm prioritizing it.  I haven't bought that many clothes or shoes in a very long time!  I do feel pretty good financially now.  My own income has come back up and the hubs is making a major career change soon that I think will work out well for us.  Fingers crossed.

My mood is awesome.  Sure I have low moments but I have great, wonderful moments.  I'm not happy with my body but I'm more patient and diligent about getting there someday to where I am.  Turning 50 this year has made me face a lot in my 49th year.  As I get closer to my birthday I feel that I have worked through a lot this year in regard to aging.  I guess just becoming more accepting of it.

I want to continue to work on exercise, eating better, and spirituality development.  I am still working on the alcohol but I'm trying not to let it be the obsession it has been.  I didn't do well this past week.  Went for a week without drinking and then did.  Nothing big, just did.  Then did again, then finished the bottle the next night.

What I hate is that I don't drink or really need to drink unless I start drinking.  I have been better about keeping cravings at bay.  The "must have a drink" isn't that strong.  I cave to the "hmm, might be nice, let's just have one".  And then, of course, I never have one, I have four.

I do wonder if there is some accountability I can set up.  I do have that friend who proclaims she almost always has one, maybe two but never more than two because she can't handle it. Tells everyone.  My problem is that I only drink too much at home, with hubs.  I don't drink too much with others around and I don't drink anymore by myself.  Making the hubs my alcohol police isn't really fair to him so I would have to figure out other incentives.  Or just quit entirely.

For now I'll just keep trying for full sobriety and see where it leads me.

I leave you with this: (click it)  HANGOVER HEAVEN   I really have no words.  So sad this exists.  So glad this is not the state I'm in no matter how much I struggle with the difference between 1 glass and 4.  One of the reviewers has "been going there since the start".  OMG  Start of what?  Their office?  Which is what I think she meant.  But how often would one need their services?  Scary.  I don't mean to be judgy of anyone who is hurting so bad they need their services and want to quit.  My heart goes out to those of you.  I'm thinking of those who are giving zero thought to their drinking, to their health, who think it's hilarious to go out and get so ill that they need IV treatment the next day.  I am sure THEY are not on these blogs.  Unfortunately they are likely on our roads......

HD