Drinking, Driving, and/or ??????

"Mom sentenced to nine years in prison for DWI crash that killed 5 year old daughter."

I was just heading to bed last night, on yet another Day 5, and I happened to look at my phone.  I followed my normal path......checked my online scrabble games, flipped through facebook feed real quick and then skimmed headlines.

THAT headline caught my eye.

Samantha Jones, 32,  had been to a party and posted pictures of full wine glasses, a pic of her and her daughter and #momsneeddrinks.  She had drunk one and half to two bottles of wine in 3 1/2 hours and her blood alcohol was .186. She was driving home at 9pm and lost control of her car.  The rear passenger side hit a telephone pole and broke it into two.

She told police she never drank that much.  That her baby was her world.  She didn't care if she went to jail but wanted her baby to be okay.  Her daughter was sitting in that back passenger seat and suffered a head injury, dying within 3 days.

My first thought was "wow, I don't think I've ever drunk 2 bottle of wine that fast".  My second thought was "how on earth will she live with herself?"  While a lot of stuff can happen to our lives that is beyond our control, this moment was within her power to have not happened.

But all the remainder thoughts I had through the night were my own "what ifs".  Maybe I've never driven after 2 bottles of wine but I know there have been a few where I've driven after a bottle drunk over a few hours.  But 4 drinks in 2 hours for 185lb female is .091.  DUI in my state.

I remember a few times where I was talking to myself the whole way home, convincing myself I was coherent to drive the short drive home or quick run to the store for more wine.

I scared myself good, you see, when I was 23.  Newly married and a husband gone on a long trip, I drank with a friend one evening, on a worknight no less.  I vaguely remember getting home and going to bed.  It was a 25 minute drive home.  I was pretty hungover but still made it to work on time for an early morning meeting.  I must have looked like hell but nobody said anything.  It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I ever drove under the influence again.

I think I can count on one hand the number of times I have but it just takes once!  If I hadn't made it home at 23 my family would have been devastated and my son would not be.

There are so many things in life beyond our control.  I worry enough about something happening to someone I love.  Why on earth have I been poisoning myself with a possibility of contributing to something tragic?  Tragic might be defined as something happening to them or even to me via an accident or health/illness.

I think of those times I had too much at night and don't remember going to bed.  What if my son had slipped in the shower and hit his head and I didn't hear him call out?  What if I tripped and fell and hit my own head?  What if I forgot and left my dog outside and he jumped the fence and got hit by a car?  All of these things could happen on their own, accidentally, but to maybe have been able to prevent something, intervened, but not physically been able to because of drinking?  I don't know how I would live with myself.

Accidents strike, people get ill, tragedies happen.  But I don't want any of that to be by my own hand.  You think about how many murders occur due to alcohol, it's scary.

It occurred to me to wonder if this Smithville, MO woman was on our blogs.  Every time I find a blog I want to check in on, I add it to my list.  It's up to 74.  Not all are active but I leave them on the list in case a blogger comes back, I don't want to miss them.  It's like catching up with old friends.  So I wonder if she is one of them.  Probably not.  I don't think by the time we get to this place of blogging and attempting to quit that we would still be posting on facebook about the glory of wine.  Wine memes make me cringe now.  I'm uncomfortable when I hear someone talk about needing wine.  She may have truly been a fairly responsible normal drinker and therefore wasn't focused on the drinking and driving aspect.  I'm a problem drinker.  She may not have faced that she was.  Or she just might not have been until that day.  We'll never know.

Sorry to be a downer but as I went to bed last night I overwhelmed myself with the what if's from all my drinking episodes up until now.  Took a long time to go to sleep and I had very scattered and vivid dreams.  I think it's important to write this down because this will be a post I can refer back to when I get a craving.

I'm not taking a break from drinking this time.  I feel like I am a non drinker.  The hubs and I talked about how it will be nice to get to a place where we can sit and chat and not feel grumpy because we have no wine in hand.  I guess it's like the smoker who smokes while drinking coffee in the morning. It will just take time.  I am in the health business and have clients, more and more regularly now, who say they don't drink, smoke or do any drugs.  They could be lying but they look so good I don't think so.  They may have had issues in the past which make them proclaim it now out loud but it's refreshing to hear.  I want to be like that, where I can say that.

This time I'm not having huge cravings yet but I'm also not trying to recreate the same life without alcohol.  I have alcohol free wine on hand for me to drink this weekend with family here but I'm not gravitating toward a replacement drink in the evening.  I may be guilty of an extra Diet Coke during the day but if 2 of those per day keeps me going, I'm good with that.  I'm eating healthier and avoiding too many sweets.  I'm still exercising.  Hubs is doing all the cooking while we have no kids around and I'm keeping busy with housekeeping right up through dinner.  We are talking at dinner and not before.  After dinner with a full belly I am good to go.  Ready to relax with a book and a cup of decaf tea.

This is a post I'm bookmarking for myself to come back to, over and over.

Happy Friday,
HD