I need to admit I am an Obliger

So strange......those last 16 days were really easy, craving-wise and I felt really good about it. Then first day of vacation, I caved.  I just couldn't imagine being at our vacation home without wine.  It wasn't what it was cracked up to be.  I'm disappointed that I let myself down when I didn't need to.  Instead of reaching out to anyone, I just let that inner voice take over.

This time I setup the accountability like that I had with another blogger back in 2016.  Back then it was day 43 and instead of caving on the first day of vacation (CLICK HERE for old post) I made it through.  I was so proud of myself.  And I went on to do two whole weeks at a beach house, no less, with family, all alcohol free.  I did have a little more sober muscle on me, had already made it 30 days, but that's no excuse for last week.

Last night the last of the family tornado arrived.  By weekend all might be back to normal.  Maybe.  Also got word last night that my grandmother went into the hospital.  I love my Mom but my grandma and I are just closer.   I am lucky to have two mom's but am faced with possibly losing the first one.  To top it off, I looked in bar fridge to get out an AF beer and there was a bottle of white wine.  Hubs had bought it for easter as a hostess gift but we just brought the red I saw on counter.  I didn't know he bought white.  So white wine got left home.   I would have caved, I know it for sure, had I not committed to another 30 days, this time with Lia Leon, instead of committing just with my hubs.

I reached out to her and, somehow, just acknowledging the craving, reading her words of non-judgmental grace and encouragement, got me through the evening.  I know she'll be there for me these next few days but I already feel stronger.  Last night was literally the first night in a very, very long time where I fought through the craving.  When I didn't drink these past few years it's been because it's been easy.  A sporting event to go to, a school event to go to, or maybe I just felt I'd been drinking too much, so I stopped for a few days.  But I never really fought through a serious craving.  Last night I did.  I know this doesn't sound like much but it was huge for me.  I wouldn't have made it through vacation almost 3 years ago had I not reached out and that connection kept me going.  I feel much better about tonight.

This is a long post because I've been adding to it daily, so sorry.  Just something for me to come back to as I need to.

Gretchen Rubin's book "The Four Tendencies" is something I've written about before and I have acknowledged that I am an Obliger.  I consistently meet external expectations and fail upon meeting my internal expectations of myself.

For me to meet my goals in life I know I have to begin to setup the framework for how to meet those goals while accommodating my tendency.

Alcohol:

Ideally, I quit alcohol on my own.  Well, that's worked well so far hasn't it?  Nope, I need framework.  I know that for me to quit drinking I must have external support.

I'm not into the group situations like AA.  I resist that.  It would probably be very good for me but I went to a group session to handle my divorce once and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I was miserable and I can't really say why.  I like to share on this blog but I think I just don't have the patience for group therapy because I want to move things along so much faster.

I resist daily emails and being told what to do.  Generally I'm a rule follower but I think because the emails ask "me" to think about something or to do something, then I don't do it.  If I'm accountable to another it's one thing but being given a plan that I have to follow myself is rough.  (Should I mention how many home study courses I've purchased, only to never open?)  I'm reading Annie Grace's 30 day alcohol experiment and I'm getting through it, trying to push down my resistance to having to do daily exercises for myself.

So that being said, I ask myself, what CAN I do that might work for me?  An addiction coach would be awesome, I know a great one, but I just can't afford to spend money on that right now.  Blogging is good and a sober buddy is a great idea so I'm trying that as well.  I'm also trying to get the hubs on board with understanding what support I need from him.  

NOTE:  last night, before I reached out to Lia, I actually said to hubs:  "WTF is this bottle of wine in here for?  I've had such a rough day, I really might need it."  He said, "I thought you are doing 30 days with a blogger?".  I said "yes, but do I have to tell her?"  (I can't lie so he knew what to say...) He said "well, I think you should tell her but why don't you just skip it tonight and see how you feel tomorrow?"  I was irritated, of course, that he didn't give me a way out.  But Yay for him for finally getting me!  I still might have rebelled and gone for it but that's when I reached out to Lia and the night turned out different in a good way.

I easily could have caved, drank, and then would have had to have told her.....and felt lousy about myself.  I didn't want to feel that way.

 Another step would be to tell friends or other family about my goal.  I'm not ready for that but it might be necessary at some point.  I know I need those extra levels of accountability.  So right now I'm back to blogging and reaching out to others.

Exercise:

Ideally, I would love to exercise daily.  But if I can find a reason not to, I do.  Notice that the only things working for me at the moment are a personal trainer 3 times a week and a Pilates class I pay for.  (That's where I put my money.)  I only go because it's easy parking, I know where I'll sit in the class, that it will only have 12 people, etc.   I have a gym membership and don't even go to those classes because I resist parking there, having to walk through the gym to the class and being in a potentially crowded situation.  I haven't even TRIED it for goodness sake and I talk myself out of it for those reasons.

I worked with a coach a few years back and my attitude toward exercise, while not ideal, is still much better than before.  I understand myself a lot better.  What I would like is someone to go with to the gym.  I did great walking everyday when I had someone to do it with.  Okay, note.  Try to find a workout buddy to extend my working out into other days and situations!  If I actually TRY those classes at they gym, holy cripes, I might actually meet someone!

Food:

Ideally, I have a personal chef to fix me all my healthy meals.  I'm not a foodie.  I will just shove whatever food is easiest into my mouth.  I'm too lazy to do meal prep on weekends.  If someone gives me healthy food, even if I'm craving McDonalds because I'm just hungry, I have no problem switching gears and eating healthy.  But, left to my own devices, forget it.

Day before yesterday, for example, I was half way out the door at lunch to get Del Taco. I know, eewww.  Then a phone call came in for work and I ran out of time.  I was working for home so I made a turkey sandwich on rye.  I'm not sure calories were all that different but it definitely felt fresher.  I only made it, though, because I needed to eat and was on hold and wouldn't have time to run out.  Scary.

I'm really struggling with trying to turn my life around in this area as an Obliger.  A food coach would be interesting but it would be so oriented toward what I need to do, that I'd probably blow that off too.  I can't stand facebook support groups with people chatting all week about what they are doing.  I just feel too busy to check in so I need something fairly quick and concise with accountability.  So this one I still need to work on.  I want to learn to like meal prep and basic cooking.  Work in progress.

Relationship:

As an Obliger I really struggle with being married to a Rebel.  I used to think he was a Questioner but then realized that wasn't the case.  Hubs will do anything he views as interesting to him but resists pressure to do something for someone else and yet also resists pressure to do things that would meet his own internal expectations.  So he will spend time on hobbies and exercise while I'm paying bills, doing laundry and cleaning. (Okay, all of which I acknowledge I like doing)  He'll cook his own healthy meals but he doesn't really make kid-friendly stuff or things with pretty presentation.  He NEVER offers to make my son lunch.   But he enjoys cooking.  He will clean the pool but not to my standards.  He will swift the floors but not under the furniture.  These last few things bother me because I wouldn't want "others" to see this in my house.  He couldn't care less if the house is dusty, if there is clutter everywhere, if our garage looks like a mess.  This level of stress I feel about cleanliness has caused me to drink many times just to tune out the negativity I'm feeling.

I get very frustrated that his addition to my life has resulted in more work for me, not less, in many ways.  I've made an appointment with my therapist.  I don't believe there is one soul mate for us all and some find it or don't.  I'm a firm a believer that I could be with many different types of people as partners but that nothing is just easy!  I am going to work on myself first.  I know I can't really change him anyway but maybe I can tamp down on my frustrations and learn to work with the qualities he has!

I know the first start is gratitude.  I'm making a list here of his wonderful qualities.
- Very smart
- Very independent, happy in his own skin
- Extremely self-reliant
- Outdoors-y, gets me out in the sunshine - hiking, horseback riding, kayaking, biking - organizes all those outings and I just have to show up.  Carries all my water :-)
- Brings me tea every morning and always says I love you
- Tells me how "hot" I am almost daily and even though I've gained 40 lbs since I met him.  Still calls me Ursula Andress, lol
- Grocery shops
- Takes out the trash
- Swifts the dust off the floors, will sweep
- Cleans all the toilets
- Loves to look at nature, appreciates sunsets
- Will sit and talk with me EVERY evening if I want to.  (This was over wine so we are navigating new territory here)
- Tall and handsome (should mention that)
- In good physical shape - he likes veggies and isn't sedentary.
- Goes to my son's games and all his events with me, pretty cheerfully, despite not being able to do that for his kids

Funny, how just writing that, I now feel kind of guilty for the previous paragraphs.  And, hmmm, I actually feel a surge of libido which lately has sort of taken a siesta.....Gratitude really is a good habit to practice.

Well enough.  This is a post I'm going to refer back to.  Day 4 again here.  On with it.

HD