Day 8

My brain has been in total squirrel mode this week.  I went back and read some of my early posts from 2016 and something hit me.  Back then all I was trying to do was stop drinking.  Most of my posts were about alcohol and trying to quit.  Avoiding or dealing with cravings.

This time, I'm not so focused on the quitting nor the cravings.  I still have cravings but they are more in passing.  I can eat sugar or have an alcohol free beer or vinegar drink and be okay.  What I noticed is that I have been gathering thoughts about my life and have been writing down things to write about in the future, and to process through.

Outwardly and consciously I'm a very secure person.  Happy with myself and my life.  But I think I have some serious insecurities that I have just pushed aside and while I don't consciously give thought to them, they bubble up in ways I don't expect....and impact me more than I know.  Those insecurities have subconsciously kept me from moving forward, from stretching my emotional muscle, from finding the true me and my true passion.  I need to deal with those things in order to move forward.

Drinking has been like dealing with homing pigeons.  I get these thoughts and instead of dealing with them, I pack them onto the backs of the pigeons and shoo them out the window, grabbing at wine to help with that.  But like those pigeons, those subconscious fly back home again, those insecurities, and instead of mulling them over, dealing with them, I shoo them away again and drink further.

I intend to deal with these thoughts at some point.  Right now I'm trying to figure out exactly what they are.  I'm listening to my soul now to see what it really has to say.

It was lovely to wake up with no headache.  Hubs, son and I went on 4 mile, 500ft elevation gain, hike this morning.  Felt great.

Well, family arriving this week (this one doesn't drink!) so I need to go clean the house.  Back to blogging when I can!  Onward to week 2!