The cost of alcohol

My brain is starting to get in sync with itself.  The cognitive dissonance of "wanting to drink" but "knowing I shouldn't drink" seems to be starting to merge.  I don't get home from work and think first and foremost I NEED a drink.  I immediately say a short prayer on the drive home and hope that I don't want to drink, that I don't get strong cravings.  I know I don't want to, I don't want it in my system, I don't want what it does to me.

When I quit two years ago I wanted to keep drinking, wished I could drink normally and was trying to prove to myself I could give it up anytime I wanted to.  This time it's all about NOT wanting to drink, hoping I don't cave to that inner voice.  And strangely enough, that inner voice doesn't seem as loud this time.  Oh sure, it would be nice to drink and numb out, but, I finally think I don't want the "rest of it" more so.  (pardon my horrific stream of consciousness grammar..)

I read blogs of these folks who've gone sober and their happiness always grabs me.  I'm a pretty happy person in general but wow, it can be even better!!  They sound so free!

I've been thinking about the cost of alcohol.   I am super detailed and keep receipts.  A few years back I started breaking down grocery bills into Alcohol and rest of groceries.  According to my receipts we spent $4k on alcohol last year.  That's an average of $11 per day.

Generally I would say we spend $15 a day when we drink.  Bottle of red for him, bottle of white for me.  This doesn't even count those times where we were on vacation - maybe 2 weeks a year ($25 per day on pina coladas plus all the wine we bought) nor the glass or two of wine when we dined out.  We don't go out that much but that cost would be added.   Oh what else I could have done with that money???!

Then there are the non-monetary costs......

Drinking at home = has cost me friends.  I need to meet more people but if I prefer to stay home and drink to unwind, I don't make the effort to socialize.

Drinking all those calories = has cost me weight.  I have gained an average of 5lbs per year for the last 8 years.  Ick.

Drinking has increased my munchies = has cost me weight even more so.  I've gained weight not only from the liquid but from the crap I then wanted to eat the next day.  Not following through on healthy eating because I needed comfort food to soothe my system.

Drinking in the evenings  = has cost me exercise.  Who wants to work out the next morning with a fuzzy head?

Drinking and waking up at night = has cost me peace and calm.  It has probably caused me stress because waking up in the middle of the night in a panic about my life is not productive.

Drinking with my husband = has cost my time with my son. I could have played more games over the year, maybe done more things in general with him.

In my 20s my drinking was "adulting".  Proving that I was grown up with that evening cocktail.  In my 30s it started towards a coping skill.  Having my son at 33 kept some of this at bay.  A divorce at 40 really tipped it though.

I don't begrudge the alcohol.  In some ways maybe I needed it to heal.  This may be a strange analogy but it's like when you keep someone in an induced coma.  They could come out of it but it's best to keep them in that state until their body heals a bit more.

I worry that my time in my alcohol coma did damage to my body but it is what it is.  My family has so much cancer in it that I think I drank figuring I was going to get cancer at some point so what the heck!  If that happens, though, I look forward to fighting it without an alcoholic crutch.

I originally chose my moniker as habitdone because that's what I thought my drinking was, just a bad habit that I needed to be done with.  It was so much more than that.  I wish I had been ready to break away from it sooner but I do feel like I have healed in many ways.  I learned how to move on from a long term spouse (I still have some regrets to deal with as I've mentioned), learned how to live on my own for a few years while being a single parent, then learned how to deal with a new relationship, and learned how to trust again (boy has that been a process!).

I've slowly started a better relationship with exercise and now I'm starting to process through the thoughts that have held me back or that I have held on to for far too long.

It's a good Day 13.