Pink Cloud or Blurry Haze

Day 11

As Day 11 dawns, the best way to describe my mood is neutral.

My girlfriend stopped by last night before hubby got home and asked for a glass of wine.   I sort of felt bad that I didn't have any in stock for her.  I apologized and we drank mineral water.  I said I wanted to lose weight so I hadn't restocked.  When she muttered that maybe she should go get a bottle, I just laughed.

What struck me as the most interesting was that I didn't feel like I wanted any wine.  I knew I didn't.  I just didn't want to admit that I have any issue with drinking.  I was more concerned with how to get out of drinking a glass with her.

Right now I just don't want what wine does to me.   All those 22 reasons on the other tab that I keep reviewing.  Yuck, don't want to go back there.  I would love to be able to drink but I have surrendered to the fact that if I pick up a glass, I won't stop.  I'm not ready to deal with those issues again.  At least right now.  I think that's what is keeping me from drinking.  I'm scared to go through all that again.

I used to want wine so bad that I would call and ask hubby to stop and get some on the way home, or, if the craving was really bad, then I would run right out and get some.  I haven't experienced that while quitting this time. Maybe because I just don't see it as an option anymore and it's a sign that I was really ready for change.  I'm exhausted from the cycle of start/stop.

Or..It might just be that I had finally hit my High Bottom as SoberMummy wrote on her Day 10 back over a year ago. High Bottom  Great post.

If you're reading this blog, listening to me talk to myself, I fear I am making this quitting thing sound too easy.  This blog is for me to refer to when those cravings come crashing back!  I know they will at some point!  Right now I'm in some sort of delayed response, I think.  Some sort of haze.

It's just that by the time I started blogging, I think it was near the end of my journey, not the beginning like it might be for some.  I was so exhausted from all my previous efforts to quit on a daily basis.

I LIKE who I am without the wine.  I like remembering what I said to my son last thing before bed.  I like remembering that I removed my makeup and brushed my teeth.
 
What started as "grown up wine drinking" when I was 21 and newly married just slowly, very slowly, evolved.  At first it was splitting a bottle of wine every night and then getting raging drunk a bunch of different times during the year...work parties, social parties, always in social settings where we laughed it off the next day, hungover, as we said how fun it was to "blow off steam."

It wasn't until a few years back that it hit me how my drinking had changed after I had my son.  I had "partied" enough in my youth that I didn't want to drink too much when I went out.  I was now a "responsible" parent.  I didn't want people to think I was the drunk.  I didn't want to drink and drive.  But I started drinking more and more at home.  It's now reversed itself.  I don't really want to drink when I'm out and it's the sitting at home at the end of day, wanting to tune out all the "stress", that makes me want to drink.  It became complete self-medication.  After dealing with work and a child, there seemed something still "grown up" about relaxing at the end of the day with wine with the husband.  I also liked drinking alone while on the phone with a friend or while reading a good book.

For a period of time I was medicating away the issues in a marriage that was struggling and eventually failed.  That evolved into medicating away the grief of that marriage, and then medicating the stresses that come when forming a new relationship with someone later in life.  There was always some reason to imbibe.

I found that when I started drinking too much at home, I started having more and more black outs or brown outs in the evenings. It was getting to the point where it was a few times a week that I couldn't remember things the next day.  I also knew that the number of units of wine I was drinking far exceeded the recommended amount for good health.

Please understand that I woke up every day for YEARS saying I wouldn't drink that night.....and then I would.  I might go a day or two but generally never more than 3 days without drinking.  I never thought I was trying to quit (just reduce).  I was never able to moderate successfully and I finally had to admit that to myself.

It was only this last March when I really said I had to quit for awhile that I realized how it could be so hard and I might truly have a problem with my relationship to and with alcohol.  For the previous few months I had become preoccupied with reading blogs, books and anything I could get my hands on about alcohol...okay, that was sort of a sign that I had an issue!!

But...I saw firsthand  how quickly I went back to heavy drinking when I tried it again at Day 14.

I wouldn't say that I'm seeing pink clouds right now, more like a blurry haze.  Sort of just moving through the days.  Not really high nor low in mood but also not "carefree" like I sometimes feel after some wine.  Perhaps more of a "consistent" feeling.  But I know now that the floating feeling is only temporary and everything that comes afterward sucks.

I'm now in control of my thoughts, my actions and I'm figuring out how to bring us together better as a family. (My husband, my son and me.....and to get the dog to sleep through the night!)

Kind of a boring post but just needed to blog.

HD