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Friday, May 13, 2016

Forgiving Ms. Chardonnay?

Day 20

I think the last time I went this long with out a drop....no, I KNOW the last time I went this long was when I was pregnant over 13 years ago.  Even while I was pregnant I would allow myself one sip from husband's glass if I had a huge urge.  One tiny sip and then I could move on.

What strikes me is how I could have done this 13 years ago....never started drinking too much to be healthy....all the weight I might not have gained, all the arguments I might not have had, all the embarrassments and shame I might have avoided...and all the other things I could have been doing...

But let me not beat myself up too much....I might have still gained weight, been edgy, done embarrassing things, felt guilty about something and still been less productive.

What I think I would have avoided is twofold:

1) The feeling of letting myself down health wise and putting myself at risk to not being around for others, specifically husband and son.  I definitely feel like I have let myself down by knowing that I might have damaged my body.  (Remember I have that upcoming physical next Tuesday so stay tuned...)

2) I think I could have been more productive over the years.  I'm not where I want to be in life and had I done more toward this over the last 6 years instead of drowning my grief at the change and upheaval in my life, I would possibly be "further" along.  Further career wise, maybe financially, maybe social network wise, etc.  But I'll never really know for sure...I could have ended up in the same place.  I feel as if I stagnated for awhile.

(I'm good with my marriage ending....now.  Finding a new and healthier relationship showed me this but there is still a forever sadness at not being able to have made my innocent, initial vision of marriage work.)

Then again, maybe I just needed some time to grieve that I wasn't exactly where I had intended to be in life.  My vision for who I thought I was DID have to shift greatly after my divorce from a long term marriage.

A lot of us write about the anger we feel at alcohol.  I think that's productive and one good way to focus oneself.  For me, however, that doesn't work.  If you read my 4th post, I mentioned that I have anger management issues and can't manage to stay angry at anyone.  I really can't.

For me, a big part of healing is forgiving.   A definition I once heard for forgiveness is simply conscious forgetting...or something like that.

I remember making the decision to forgive my ex.  I just decided I wasn't going to spend any more time beating myself up for what I could have done to save the marriage nor blame him for his actions. I just needed to move forward, grieve a little perhaps, and get over it. It just wasn't to be, because he wanted out, and there wasn't anything I could do about it, even though it wasn't my choice at the time.

I've been pondering why I'm able to move forward so easily this time and not drink.  Why did I make it to Day 20 with relative ease after having such a tumultuous relationship with wine for so long, never being able to really make it to Day 2?

Maybe the key was my forgiveness of wine AND myself!

Maybe Ms. Chardonnay was a good friend to me and I don't need to hate her.  She gave me space to breathe and time to heal.  She also taught me a lot about myself, my limits, my weaknesses.....I learned lessons from her.  I was maybe too arrogant and she showed me I wasn't perfect.

So perhaps instead of feeling upset with myself and with her, I should just understand where she fit into my life and why she no longer fits with me now.

There's a saying that we've all seen about friends and likely have had some in each category...

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."

Perhaps Ms. Chardonnay was actually a friend of sorts to me through my growing up years.  She may not have been the best friend I could have chosen, but I needed to lean on her.  She came to me for a season.   But we've grown apart, we have different interests... I don't need her anymore in the way that I  did.  I've realized she is toxic and isn't good for me.  I need to say goodbye to her and move forward now......on my own.  Hmmmmmm.....









19 comments:

  1. What a lovely post. Very thought provoking. Alcohol has played a big role in my life. In the past we had fun times but more recently not so good times. Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book and take steps to forgive myself and move on. Well done on Day 20 xxx

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  2. I love this post! I feel gratitude for my past 3 years of drinking. Yes it was ugly in parts but there was so much personal development on my part too. I indeed look at my Svedka vodka bottle every time I grocery shop. I give it a wink and a smile. Sounds odd and potentially dangerous but I simply cannot hate something that was a part of me for so long.

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    1. I like the idea of looking at the wine section of the mart with a wink and a smile. I shall do that next time!

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  3. And that's hysterical what you wrote about anger management!

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  4. I can completely relate! I've been asked the question "Why I hate what wine has done to my life?" and I honestly have to answer that I don't think I hate what it has done because it has made me who I am today. It helped me through times I know I couldn't of managed myself and also did make me happy in the very early years. It helped me grow up when I had to and gave me a sense of self for quite some time. I am still known as the one who "wine makes her happy" and hope to show everyone that I am going to be happy without too! Love your post and keep going :) We do need to do this for ourselves now!

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    1. Thanks for reading! As someone else wrote, it's like getting out of a relationship that's bad for you and you know it. Once you leave you may have pangs of longing for what once was for quite awhile but the benefits of being out of it soon outweigh those longings. And time does heal...or so I hear from all the blogs and comments!

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  5. I am a firm believer in that everything that happens in our lives, good or bad, is part of the road that eventually takes us where we need to be. You are very insightful HabitDone...maybe you wouldn't be as much if you hadn't been drinking? Think of how many people you are helping with your blog. That wouldn't have happened if you weren't drinking. As sucky as it is, drinking was part of your path. Now, you are moving down that path..towards a much better life!!! I LOVED your anger mgmt. line!! What a very healthy approach you have! xo

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    1. Thanks S@53, you are right, drinking was part of my path. It's a bonus for me if helping myself somehow helps someone else too!

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  6. It's so true that we spend so much time feeling shame and regret, time that we can't ever get back. It's freeing to learn how to channel that into doing something productive. I like your notion of accepting the past, packing a truck, and rolling on out in order to move into the future!

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    1. Thanks, Cricket! We can't get back time but we can still find things of value from that time to take forward, I agree.

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  7. Congrats on day 20! That is awesome! I can't help but regret the role of alcohol has played in my life. I would change so many things if I could (which of course you can't. The past anyway) Now I need to learn how to forgive myself and move on from my past. It's hard! A x

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    1. I just can't believe I'm finally feeling great about myself as I am starting to see the change of age in the mirror. Oh, what I would have been like had I felt like this 15 years ago. Oops..oh well. They say youth is wasted on the young..Yep!!

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  8. The forgiveness is something I work on every day. When I can forgive other people, completely, I am released from self-judgment. I really believe that when I judge others, I am judging myself even more harshly. Like you, the wine should have gone with the end of the chaos. It stuck around however. But it's a crutch I no longer need. Or did I ever? Right after forgiveness comes letting go of the past. I try to learn what I can and then let it go. ; )

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  9. Yep, we don't need it...but boy do I still long for it for some fractions of my day. Just a thought of "wow, wouldn't that be lovely" ...but I find it passes faster now.

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  10. Love this post. You are a tough gal. I think you are doing a really great job.<3

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  11. I really love your perspective. It is so much easier to forgive when you arent full of hate. Food for thought, thank you xx

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    1. You're welcome, thanks for reading my blog! It's nice to know folks are "out there", listening... :-)

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