Forgiving Ms. Chardonnay?

Day 20

I think the last time I went this long with out a drop....no, I KNOW the last time I went this long was when I was pregnant over 13 years ago.  Even while I was pregnant I would allow myself one sip from husband's glass if I had a huge urge.  One tiny sip and then I could move on.

What strikes me is how I could have done this 13 years ago....never started drinking too much to be healthy....all the weight I might not have gained, all the arguments I might not have had, all the embarrassments and shame I might have avoided...and all the other things I could have been doing...

But let me not beat myself up too much....I might have still gained weight, been edgy, done embarrassing things, felt guilty about something and still been less productive.

What I think I would have avoided is twofold:

1) The feeling of letting myself down health wise and putting myself at risk to not being around for others, specifically husband and son.  I definitely feel like I have let myself down by knowing that I might have damaged my body.  (Remember I have that upcoming physical next Tuesday so stay tuned...)

2) I think I could have been more productive over the years.  I'm not where I want to be in life and had I done more toward this over the last 6 years instead of drowning my grief at the change and upheaval in my life, I would possibly be "further" along.  Further career wise, maybe financially, maybe social network wise, etc.  But I'll never really know for sure...I could have ended up in the same place.  I feel as if I stagnated for awhile.

(I'm good with my marriage ending....now.  Finding a new and healthier relationship showed me this but there is still a forever sadness at not being able to have made my innocent, initial vision of marriage work.)

Then again, maybe I just needed some time to grieve that I wasn't exactly where I had intended to be in life.  My vision for who I thought I was DID have to shift greatly after my divorce from a long term marriage.

A lot of us write about the anger we feel at alcohol.  I think that's productive and one good way to focus oneself.  For me, however, that doesn't work.  If you read my 4th post, I mentioned that I have anger management issues and can't manage to stay angry at anyone.  I really can't.

For me, a big part of healing is forgiving.   A definition I once heard for forgiveness is simply conscious forgetting...or something like that.

I remember making the decision to forgive my ex.  I just decided I wasn't going to spend any more time beating myself up for what I could have done to save the marriage nor blame him for his actions. I just needed to move forward, grieve a little perhaps, and get over it. It just wasn't to be, because he wanted out, and there wasn't anything I could do about it, even though it wasn't my choice at the time.

I've been pondering why I'm able to move forward so easily this time and not drink.  Why did I make it to Day 20 with relative ease after having such a tumultuous relationship with wine for so long, never being able to really make it to Day 2?

Maybe the key was my forgiveness of wine AND myself!

Maybe Ms. Chardonnay was a good friend to me and I don't need to hate her.  She gave me space to breathe and time to heal.  She also taught me a lot about myself, my limits, my weaknesses.....I learned lessons from her.  I was maybe too arrogant and she showed me I wasn't perfect.

So perhaps instead of feeling upset with myself and with her, I should just understand where she fit into my life and why she no longer fits with me now.

There's a saying that we've all seen about friends and likely have had some in each category...
"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."

Perhaps Ms. Chardonnay was actually a friend of sorts to me through my growing up years.  She may not have been the best friend I could have chosen, but I needed to lean on her.  She came to me for a season.   But we've grown apart, we have different interests... I don't need her anymore in the way that I  did.  I've realized she is toxic and isn't good for me.  I need to say goodbye to her and move forward now......on my own.  Hmmmmmm.....