Day 19
I continue to be amazed at all the thought and effort I am putting into not drinking. For me, I really am only talking about the urge to drink during about a 2 to 3 hour time period every day.
The problem has been that those 2 to 3 hours drinking, even just a few glasses, have had so many, many more hours of impact.
The rest of the day, I'm not interested unless it's some special occasion where I can justify that it's five o'clock somewhere.
What my day used to look like:
Before Noon: Absolutely no desire to drink
Noon to 3pm: Still not really a desire but getting more tired from the day
3pm to 5pm: Thinking wouldn't it be nice to drink but it's not wine o'clock here yet. Can't wait!
5pm to 7:30pm: Oh, I want a drink, need a drink or 2 or 3 or 4 or...
7:30pm+: If I never started and already had dinner.. oh I'm tired, I think I'll just relax with a cup of tea
7:30pm+: If I had started drinking......well, then it might go on for awhile
It's the latter that was the issue. Starting and then not stopping. I guess that is the same issue for most of us.
I am constantly amazed that it's not just an easy decision to say that I want to lose weight so I'm going to diet off my wine. That it's not easy to find a substitute drink. That after all I know about alcohol, I still miss it.
I still miss being able to sit down with wine and I'm really not even sure why. Why do I miss something that I know is bad for me? Why do I miss something that makes me into a person I don't want to be? That is still a mystery to me but I guess that's the addictive drug part of it all.
I'm also amazed that once I truly internalized giving it up, I could...at least so far. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not home free and that this is work in progress. I know not to be arrogant about this.
Remember I prayed for YEARS, every morning, "please God, let me just quit and stop drinking. I don't like this. I don't want this any more."
Then, I would get close to wine o'clock and say "please, God, just let me only have one glass."
Then.....I would wake up at 2am and as I lay there, unable to fall back asleep, I would say "please, God, I need help."
And the cycle would begin again.
I feel like something clicked this time and I hit my moment. I was able to stop fairly easily. I feel like I am in limbo land though. Sort of muddling my way through, looking for something else, another phase to this not-drinking thing. Is this all there is? I am assured not as I read through others blogs, thank goodness for those blogs. Again, to those who have gone before, thank you for posting even when you are what I would call "fairly in the clear."
So I'm still one day at a time.
This is clearly a boring post just for me....just to talk out loud....but for anyone thinking about blogging....I have to say that having put so much effort into this blog keeps me moving forward day by day. It has really been helpful for me to journal the process. It affirms for me that NO WAY do I want to start back at square one and go through this all again!
HD
I understand about looking for something else. What comes next? (weight was my reason to quit too) I think that what comes is just the day to day "being present" because we are not drinking or hungover. We are learning to manage our feelings. At this stage of the journey, I am not struggling with wine o'clock time. That's not to say that I don't have thoughts about drinking, but the are much less then in very early days (I am still in the early days I think!) Just getting through all of the "firsts" is what I am looking at now. My first wedding without drinking, my first summer, etc. I am hoping that after 1 year sober, when all of these "firsts" are done...that I will hardly ever think about drinking. I hope that's not just wishful thinking!!! xo
ReplyDeleteYou are almost at that elusive 100!!! Yay!
DeleteGreat post. I have been thinking a lot about momentum these days--it's so easy to slip back into bad habits if we've already failed. AND it seems easier to keep up the good ones if we have a few days under our belts.
ReplyDeleteI an identify with the timeline, although, I don't think I ever put it together at the time--I started wondering if I was just drinking when I wasn't working and fulfilling my other obligations.... and that's just stupid sad.
I know, right? Same for me. I miss it when I'm not as occupied.
DeleteYes the act of not drinking can start to feel repetitive. Maybe this is your opportunity to take on healthful pursuits that have been on the backburner due to drinking? Learning about buddhism? meditation? yoga? healthy eating? This is your time to shine in your new freedom! Day 19 - yey!!
ReplyDeleteTrue, true, I need to get motivated now. Get focused!
DeleteDear HD,
ReplyDeleteBlogging really did help me.
It does help to put thoughts on "paper". There is so much more to not drinking.
You are finding your way. It still is one day at a time for me.
I am grateful for today, as I am sober.
Then one day, you will wake up and go, Wow!
How did that happen? I made it to 30 days. 60 Days,....
xo
Wendy
I can't wait for 30!
DeleteI understand the ease of slipping back into the frame of mind, just for a while. This time around, I cannot even allow the thought about missing it. I have in the past, and every time, I eventually set the stage for a return. This time, I won't allow myself to even briefly go there. For me, it's got one foot in the door if it can make me miss it. I can't afford that. I've lost decades already. Thanks for blogging about this, because it made me reconsider the power of thought. I have the power to control my thoughts and I choose NOT to listen to or believe the voice of alcohol.
ReplyDeleteYep, I can tell I still have that foot in the door. Good points re thoughts.
DeleteHi HD, not a boring post at all. I too was stuck in that cycle for a long time. Now, I miss the social side of drinking wine but that is all. I know it's not for me, ever. I know what you mean about thinking 'what now'. I feel like I need to do something else, put more effort into learning more about myself. So I'm thinking of going to a meeting. I long for real life connection. Now I just have to find the courage to go! Congrats on day 19! A x
ReplyDeleteGo!!! You can do it!!
DeleteYou nailed it! Okay, will try to be more patient...
ReplyDeleteI can't get my head around missing wine when I know how bad it is for me either. As I'm getting over the tiredness and starting to feel good for a change, I think about it less but there are moments when I miss it in my life. Not cravings as such, maybe just nostalgic feelings like you might get for an unsuitable ex!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great, HD. Keep doing what you're doing. I have surrounded myself with a bunch of resources because I had no idea what would help and what wouldn't and I figured, hey, may as well try it all! I went to some AA meetings, I read books, I started my blog, I read other sober blogs, I talked with my husband, I got fun non-alcohol drink with a bite (like lemon or ginger stuff), I went to the gym, I told my therapist, I told a friend, I let myself eat fun stuff, whatever! It has all helped honestly. And here I am just a little ahead of you at Day 54. The days truly do start slowly but surely racking up. Go you for all you are doing! Show this weekend who's boss- HD, that's who! <3 :)
ReplyDelete