Something has been niggling at me and I finally realized what it was. I have no experience with truly "quitting drinking." Experience is something that teaches us things, we learn from it. Experience would tell me why I can't drink again.
My "past drinking experience" tells me I don't necessarily "want" to drink again. In addition to all my reasons in my list, lately all my drunken story memories are flooding back. It's as if I had amnesia for the first 30 days and couldn't really remember any. All the shameful and embarrassing situations I found myself in from needless arguments to losing items of clothing and purses have come flooding back in my mind.
I know that I don't want to be who I was... when I was drinking like I was!
I spent years wanting to quit every day but never making the actual commitment. I would abstain and go AF for a few days here and there but it was never a commitment like I have made this time. Now I want to quit indefinitely and see how it goes. And I am loving the results!
But I realize this is my true first commitment to this process. I was just so damn ready when I finally put my mind to it, that I have sailed through this so far.
I abstained for 2 weeks in March and did go right back to my old habits but it was as if I gave myself permission to. It wasn't like that was really out of my control. I think I wanted to be drinking again. But I quickly realized, once again, that I didn't.
I really don't have the experience of failing. I think this is dangerous to an extent.
All the blogs are so telling! Folks, just like me, who attempted this, got much further along than me and ended up right back in the same spot, sometimes worse. My brain is listening to these blogs...that once someone relapses into their old habits it seems to be that much harder to get back into abstinence mode. I think all this blogging is giving me some virtual experience to pull from. Amen.
It's as if my brain is divided into 2 parts: the logical side and the impulsive side. The logical side is in control now and has been since I decided to quit. The impulsive side is sitting in the background, ready to say "yes" whenever my logical side rationalizes that it's time to drink again. Don't fret if you are reading this, thinking I'm about to lose it.......I DO have experience with my logical side winning for life.
I have never, ever smoked a cigarette....not because I thought it was so awful.....but because I KNEW that if I ever started I would never stop. I have never tried illegal drugs....not because they were illegal but I KNEW that I could get addicted and that scared the crap out of me. I never thought that about alcohol. That snuck up on me, blindsided me!
I'm in that same place with alcohol right now. I think, deep down, I KNOW that if I start again, I will end up back where I was. That it is doubtful I could ever drink socially without getting myself into the pickle that I was in. All the blog postings confirm that for me.
So I'm actually, hopeful, believe it or not, that my lack of experience with quitting will be enough to keep me from wanting to try it again. My impulsive side says "come on logical side, you've got this licked. You can now drink from time to time and be fine!" Maybe, maybe not. I will continue to ingest all the knowledge imparted on the blogs that show me that is not the case!
I'll just keep deferring to my logical side for now.
For those of you worried about sharing your ups and downs, please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed with your struggle. Sometimes we learn from others struggles. I am so sorry you continue to go through them and I send thoughts of strength your way every day. However, there is good coming out of your sharing. I am proof of that if I can just hold on! Thank you so much for even being able to share!
HD
I try not to have regrets in life but a big one of mine is thinking I could go back to moderating after 4 months off. It was such a stupid, stupid thing to do. I'm trying to see it as a learning experience more than a failure and I'm determined good will come of it. But you don't have to go through that, you can learn from my failure!
ReplyDeleteBut it wasnt stupid! It was logical to think that. Our dependency on alcohol defies logic. I think the word failure gets a bad rap. Its not negative to try and fail and learn from it. As someone said...the real failure is not trying. Thank you for reaffirming that going back to social drinking moderately is unlikely to be successful. Why I still wonder if I can try, despite all the empirical evidence to the contrary is beyond me.
DeleteI think we all have to try and fail at moderation before we can properly quit. It's through those failures that we finally find success. In which case they're not failures at all, just a necessary part of the process. Hugs xx
DeleteI agree with SoberMummy! I've noticed a change in your tone on your more recent posts. You are thinking more deeply and looking more broadly into the future. You got this sister!
ReplyDeleteThanks. Today was a rough day dealing with a friend who has a very aggressive cancer and has had a stem cell transplant. It's his 42nd bday tomorrow. If I ever needed a drink, tonight is it. But I won't. I'll count my lucky stars and be glad that if I have to make an Emergency Room run tonight, that I will be clear headed and able to do so!
DeleteOh I'm so sorry about your friend HD. Cancer stinks. It has taken a few of my friends. Makes me want to kick something.
DeleteThanks, yeh, today stunk. I wanted to drink something!! I had an AF beer and then felt pretty good. Not sure I like using the AF stuff as a crutch but, hey, the alternative is worse. It's either that or double the chocolate!!
DeleteI like your two-sided brain thought process! I never thought of it that way. It's kinda like the angel and devil each sitting on a shoulder! I also really learn from the posters who have been sober for a long period of time and then have gone back to drinking. I guess we are never safe!!! It is so scary. You think you are doing ok, but then, bam!!! xo
ReplyDeleteThat is kind of how I picture it. I picture logical angel on the left shoulder and emotional devil on the right shoulder. Probably because that matches left brain and right brain stuff.
DeleteObviously this post resonates with me because of my experience being one of the quitters who thought it was ok to drink again. I am still terrified and I mean terrified that I will get sober, be sober for a real significant period of time and the *#BOOM*# I throw it all away. In part I think that is what has held me back for so long 'well I'll probably relapse again so why pretend to quit' such a defeatist way of thinking but I genuinely believe that was somewhere in my thoughts. Even now I have just read about someone sober for three years who threw it all away for a 'small glass of wine' which led to another 18 months of hard core drinking. I think that is why we shouldn't focus on forever because that is a long time and can overwhelm us ( I am actually understanding this even more as I write it) so I have gone from being I am quitting forever to I am quitting for a hundred days.
ReplyDeleteI agree, that thinking too far into the future is not wise. You go girl - you are on your way to 100!!
DeleteYou know, I think you bring up such a great point. I'm really similar to you in that since officially quitting, I haven't (yet) relapsed, and it does make me nervous sometimes. I know how you feel. But THEN I think about all of the times I unofficially quit...cutting back, not tonight, etc...and then drank. So I feel like those were tiny relapses themselves. And I agree, if I started up again, I also know I would slip back to where I was. Why wouldn't I? Am I wiser now? Maybe. Do I see the consequences and reasons behind my drinking? Sure. Would I just start mindlessly drinking again because that's what I do? Um..YEP! You are doing awesome, HD. :)
ReplyDeleteI noted the "yet". We will do our best together to avoid the "yet"!! Maybe there really is no line between unofficial and official, just a change in determination. You are doing terrific!!
DeleteDear HD,
ReplyDeleteI had tried to stop drinking several times in several years. But I never really committed to it, or never really bought into how destructive it was to me.
I know without a doubt I would go back to drinking way more than is good for me. And I was getting all weird from it, like crying and weeping!
Ick!
I think my body couldn't handle the stuff anymore!
xo
Wendy
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ReplyDelete