Time to win the debate

I realize there are alcoholics who are perfect in many aspects of their life, except drinking.

They work out, they eat right and yet still succumb to the numbing out process of abusing alcohol.

I am not one of those.

I spent May with more days not drinking than drinking.  That in of itself was an accomplishment but still not where I want to be.  Too many days of still drinking a bottle even if not acting drunk.  Too many nights debating whether I want to drink or not, and losing the internal debate.

Today is June 1st.  Another time to mentally begin anew.  Anyone with me?

Instead of thinking of forever, I am just thinking June.  I want to use this time as a time to reflect and focus on these internal debates I have with myself, in many areas of my life, not just drinking.

Over this past month I've given a lot of reflection to who I am and what I am not.  I think I posted about this back in 2016 but it's really bubbled up as an issue for me.

I am a quitter.  I have no compunction about quitting something, don't even feel much guilt about it. I can rationalize anything to myself.  I am writing today because I just had a 30 minute internal debate about whether I was going to work out or not.  I'm writing to work through some of this and then get my fat ass onto my workout machine for 30 minutes at least!

Part of the problem with being a quitter is my personality type, of which I have written before.  Anything that I want to accomplish internally, is unlikely to happen without external accountability.  I HATE that about myself.  Yes, it's who I am, but I want to change that.

I never let anyone down intentionally with my work.  Generally, I don't let the household down, still get everything done even if buzzed by wine.  But I horribly let myself down in regard to diet, exercise and how my time is spent drinking when I could have done even more things I wanted to accomplish.

I talk myself into not working out, eating like shit, and succumbing to wine.......very, very easily.

I've never been a foodie so I naturally don't eat too much even though I eat like shit.  But I can see the weight coming on over the years.  Since I'm not really "heavy" I keep justifying the poor eating.  I've always had an okay figure so it's easy to push off working out....although I see the body changing as I'm aging and that's going to catch up with me.  And I go some days without drinking and then I cave and drink a bottle.  I have probably already done bodily damage and it's time to halt further damage.

Because of lack of true consequence......not being really overweight, still looking generally toned, and still getting good annual bloodwork.....I just drift along.   When I do make the effort to not drink, I never have any sense of withdrawal.  I do sleep better but other than that I don't notice much difference.

I'm tired of drifting, I want change.

Not sure why I'm even blathering on about this.  I just wish I wasn't a quitter.  I'm that girl who doesn't mind running a race and being last.  I'll start taking language lessons, love the sessions with the teacher but not do the homework....and I'm paying for that!  Stupid, stupid!

 I'll take piano lessons and never practice.

Why do I have an incredible work ethic and yet no personal work ethic?  I know it boils down to the fact that with work I am accountable to others, to the process.  I hate thinking that I have to setup external accountability to get anything done.

A relative gave me money for personal training so I'm at least doing that 3 days a week.  I am getting toned.  But making myself do something on my own the other 4 days is pure hell.  I like how it feels when I work out so why is it such a struggle to just put on the workout clothes and get moving?

I like eating healthy but why am I so damn lazy?  Why will I bring a healthy lunch to work and still blow it off from time to time for fast food?  Why do I cave?  Where is the discipline?

Why do I know I don't want to drink and yet I listen to the wine witch in the evening?

It's so frustrating!  I don't want to report to someone else about my exercise, my diet and my drinking.  I just want to fix me from the inside out.  I just don't have the answer. 

It just seems like a simple willpower issue.  I seem to have none except in the work sector and some household areas.

I always do the following easily:
1) Meet my work deadlines, get tasks done in an organized way
2) Get the laundry done
3) Get the house cleaning done, not as regularly as I like, but not for rationalizing my way out of it, I just get pressed for time.
4) Get the kitchen cleaned up in the morning and before bed
5) Make my bed everyday
6) Pay my bills on time and track every expense meticulously
7) Get my kid to all of his events, help him with projects, homework, etc

Some of the above I can see the inherent accountability to others in but yet I guarantee you no one in my household really gives a shit if I make my bed, keep the house perfectly clean, clean all the dishes out of the sink everyday and track every expense.  (They would only care about the bills if the lights or, gosh forbid, internet, got turned off)

I think the answer is habit and brain pathways.  I have trained my brain to want to get the kitchen cleaned up.  I want to pay bills and track expenses.  I want to make my bed everyday.  I want to do the laundry and clean the house.

I don't want to eat healthy, exercise and stop drinking.

But I'm going to.  I'm really going to focus on June to retrain my brain into thinking I DO prefer to eat healthy, I DO want to exercise and I DO want to stop drinking.  I love the blog posts I've read about neuroplasticity and I'm going to focus on how to get new pathways paved in this brain of mine.

Okay, but I'm not really sure how to do this, I admit.

I think it boils down to this.  I need to push through a month of exercising, cooking better, eating better and not drinking.  Then assess.

Day 1 of all this.  And now I'm really going to get up and go put those workout clothes on and get moving. Every day I'm going to blog for myself what I did to head in these new directions.  I really, really don't want to quit on myself this time!

HD