June 2

Alcohol status: 

Didn't drink last night but it was what I refer to as a protected evening.  We had my son's game to attend so I knew I wouldn't drink.  Instead I focused on my thoughts.......noticed I was thinking of wine, though.  I caught myself watching the game and wondering if we could stop somewhere on the way home so we could have cocktails upon getting home.  Wow.   That's sad.  Plus, I knew I really didn't want any, deep down, and that by the time we got home the craving would be gone... and I would be ready for bed.  But it is obvious that the habit of thinking of wine at that time of evening is so etched in my brain that it's going to take some doing to retrain it away.

When I have a wine craving, I'm going to instead focus on what the stress is that is triggering it.  I think it's more than just that time of night since there ARE some evenings when I have no desire to drink.

So as I sat there watching the game, realizing I was thinking about wine, I mentally did an exploration.  My emotion was sadness.  I'm so proud of my 15 year old son and was so sad that my ex wasn't there watching him with me. 

My hubby is a great guy and cares about my son.  They get along fine.  My hubs is more of a realist, though, and is more inclined to "coach" than to "nuture".  A guy thing, I think.  Buy my ex is more of a "blow smoke up your ass" guy which comes across as more nurturing, I perceive, to my son.

So it's just not quite the same as having his Dad with me, cheering him on.  One of the great things I have grieved most about my divorce was having to do everything without my ex present.  He moved away when our son was very young.....a choice I'll never understand myself.  The divorce, I get.  Moving so far away from your only young child to pursue your "happiness", I don't get.  I would have sacrificed my "happiness" to stay near my son.  Even given that my ex left me for another woman, I would have preferred to sit with both of them at my son's events, to be a cohesive support for him, over not having my ex there at all.

BUT!!!  At the end of the game I saw my hubby give a bro hug to my son, telling him how great he did.  That hasn't happened often!  I almost cried!  But you know what?  I realized later that all thoughts of wine vanished at that point.  Hmmm......food for thought.  I will keep exploring that.

Food status:

I did pretty well yesterday.  Half a multi grain bagel with flax seed and an egg for breakfast.  Yummy crispy avocado corn tacos for lunch out at a meeting.  Then before the game I scarfed down some turkey slices but that's it.  I was still hungry and so gave in to three oreos.  Sigh.  I could have grabbed grapes, carrot sticks, pepper sticks.....so many other better choices.   Part of my wine thinking may have also been blood sugar issues.

I drink a lot of tea during the day.  I was very proud of myself for switching to Stevia because supposedly it doesn't mess with you like the other sweeteners.  However, I think the "sweetness" is still doing something to my brain.  I would like to give up sweetener but I'm not quite ready yet.  During the next wine craving, I'm going to try feeding it with something healthy.

Exercise:

I still had to work at it.  I got off the blog yesterday and put on workout clothes.  Then the bug guy came to spray and then the gardeners.  (I didn't want to work out on my machine with my butt practically pressed against the window while they were here!)  So I made breakfast.  It took everything I had to then get on the machine for 30 minutes but I did it!

Off in a few to my training session.......at least I have that built in accountability right now.  I do really like it once I get there!

HD