June 14 - being controlling

I feel really good today about making it through last night's craving.  Again, the next two nights will be fairly easy but then the dreaded Saturday.  I'm working hard to make sure I'll have tools in the toolbox for that by ensuring some sweets/munchies will be on hand.

When you don't drink you are forced to feel the emotions you are trying to blot out.  I get that but I always have a hard time trying to figure out what I was really trying to avoid.  I've latched on to various reasons why I drink like financial stress, family stress, job stress, etc but it never really seems to click with me that those are the true reasons.  It doesn't feel right.

FINDING A SOBER MIRACLE posted about being a control freak and I've been mulling it over a lot lately.  More than I ever have.

I don't view myself as a control freak but I certainly admit to exhibiting controlling behavior from time to time.  I don't do it at work...I tend to manage by results.  I don't do it with my son and he is very well organized, self confident because I am definitely not a helicopter mom.  I could actually probably stand to be more involved in his schooling but he's getting straight As so I kind of leave it to him to manage.

However, I know I am a control freak with a partner, with a man I love.  I remember doing it with my first husband and I see myself doing it now.  The first husband got lost in our relationship.  I handled everything, controlled everything.  We started to working together (disaster if one partner can be controlling) and I tried to control that too.  Not so much in a micro manage type of way.  That I don't do. More like being too critical about things.

I remember he would come home from meetings, frustrated, and it was hard for me to not tell him what he could have done different, what I would have done in that situation.  Instead of just being emotionally there for him as he figured out what worked best for him.

I've been reading about it and there are many reasons one may have for being controlling: past abuse, being OCD, having anger issues, being a narcissist, being codependent, being depressed, having trust issues and jealousy, being a manager and taking on too much responsibility, and being an overprotective parent were listed.

But none of these resonated with me.  I haven't been abused, I'm not OCD, I can't stay angry at anyone, I'm not a narcissist, I'm pretty independent not codependent, I'm not depressed and while I have some trust issues, those came after 1st husband had an affair.  My controlling behaviors predated that, contributed to that in fact.  I'm good at leading/managing people and while I may try to do too much myself, when I let others do it I'm pretty hands off.  I'm not an overprotective parent.

However, the last reason listed was being a perfectionist.  And that I am in many ways.  I can live within a mess but when I clean, I want it done right.   When I send someone to the grocery store with a list, I want it shopped correctly, no abnormal brands.  I have a standard for myself that I want to impose on others.  Why can't they be like me?  Why can't they caulk the toilet base neatly and precisely?  Why don't they know you clean a stove this way?  My life is a song of "don't forgets" to my family.

"Sweetie, don't forget to wipe dry the kitchen counters so the water doesn't get into the cracks...."
"Don't forget to move the pans across the stove instead of dragging them so they don't scratch..."

I'm constantly giving advice when other people do the things I do.  I'm exhausted.  I don't feel that I can get much help around the house because its easier for me to do it myself.

I finally have my son doing his own laundry.  Once I truly back off, I'm fine.  I don't even ask if he's done it.  And he does it every week.  And I know he hangs up his clothes neatly, after all I trained him!  But I still do all my husbands laundry......because I can't stand the thought of him walking around in wrinkled shirts and I know he won't fold them right.  Can't teach the old dog new tricks.

My critiquing this way gets in the way of praise and thanks for things I do acknowledge in my head that my family does correctly.  I avoid the critiquing but just doing something myself.

This is such a hard balance to know where to "advise" or "coach" someone on something and when it crosses over to being a pain in the ass to them.

Current hubs is very independent and pushes back when I get too controlling.....which actually is helpful.  I know I lost my first marriage to this.  Then again, 1st hubs let himself be controlled.  Interestingly enough, he had a controlling mother, married me, cheated on me a few times and then left me for a woman who, it seems, is way more controlling than I ever was!  Maybe he wanted to be controlled in some way and yet didn't know how to handle it when it got to be too much.  He's still with his new wife though so maybe she makes up for it with more praise than I ever did.

So I prefer to fix some of my behavior before it would ever get to be too much for the current dude!

Oh well, work in progress but no wonder I drank all my life.  I exhaust myself trying to get everyone to do things the way I want them done and so tuning out with wine helps me turn all that off.  The critical wife takes a hiatus and we have fun, meaningful discussions.  Now I just need to learn how to do this sober!!