June 19 - pressure valve

I have been feeling like a pressure cooker lately about this not drinking.  My fear is that the not drinking would explode into a binge one day or on vacation.  I would say "f-it, and drink a whole bottle".

When we went out last night to the dinner and a show with friends, I did have two glasses of wine.  But it was like it relieved the pressure building up inside of me so that now I can keep going.

I struggle with forever but I don't want to be who I was.  I don't want regular drinking in my life but I haven't totally ruled out the occasional slip.

We are supposed to go on vacation next week and I cancelled and rescheduled it twice, all because of the pressure to not have anything to drink.  I don't think I'm ever going to be vice free but I want to manage my vices. 

The interesting thing about last night is that 2 glasses did nothing for me.  Nothing at all.  Well, other than calm the wine witch voice that said "go ahead."  Of course not, because now to get a buzz I would have to have a lot more.  I felt like I wasted precious $$ on two stupid drinks! 

I did hear the wine witch but her call was not as loud.  She said "oh go ahead, and have one more".  But aside from the fact that I didn't want to spend the money, I also didn't want to get buzzed, to feel out of control.  I felt that voice louder than that of the wine witch.

Yes, I can have a glass or two but what's the point?  I sat through the evening and watched all the people drunk and standing up to dance, making complete asses of themselves.  There is something not pretty about seeing a woman my age or older drunk off her butt.  It's funny how that invokes pity to me but doesn't with a younger woman.  Not really sure why.

Anyway, it felt accomplished to drive home and then read for a bit and go to bed.  It felt good to still sleep well, to still get up this morning and go to my 6:30am workout and to sit here now with my gluten free bagel and tea.  (yes, I bought more bagels so that I can try them this time instead of the dogs!)

I'm not advocating trying wine again if you've given it up.  This is a process we all have to follow on our own timeline.  I want to choose to not have wine.  I know that's better for me.  I'm sure I'll have a glass or two next week but I am also looking forward to all the early mornings before it gets hot, seeing wildlife coming off their night shift and heading to bed.  I love seeing the days of not drinking on my calendar!!  I think I have taken the binge risk off the table.

As I've said before, it feels so different now.  1) I know and admit I have a problem with regular drinking.  I will escalate too easily to unhealthy levels. 2) I prefer dealing with "me" sober. 3) I feel less stress and anxiety when not drinking.  4) I just feel healthier not drinking. 

It's taken a long time to get to this point.  For the first time I feel like I am choosing to not fall back into that everyday drinking mode.  It's a slippery slope for sure but I'm on a diligent watch!  And blogging helps!