A practicing alcoholic

ISM:  a distinctive doctrine, theory, system, or practice

Interesting what this suffix means.  We've all heard of CommunISM, FascISM, ExistentialISM, TraditionalISM.......and, of course, AlcoholISM

It is a suffix that also implies a condition and we've heard it along with hypothyroidISM and other medical conditions.

It made me think.....is Alcholism just a medical condition or is it really a system or practice?  I've always thought of alcoholism along the lines of being a medical condition.  One who has it is an alcoholic.  But again, that invokes visions of someone who sneaks a bit of hard liquor with breakfast, who has it in their coffee mug during the day, who passes out on the couch at night while their kids fend for themselves or that person wandering around the streets in a stupor.  

Not me, the person who never drinks before 5pm, who has never passed out and woken up on the couch (once I think I awoke in the guest room but had put myself there and just didn't remember), who has never felt too bad in the morning to get up and make lunch, get showered, drive the kid to school, go to work.  (I HAVE felt too bad to go work out but then getting myself to go workout even when not drinking is a bit of a feat in of itself.)

But it hit me that I have been practicing Alcoholism as a theory, a system, a practice.  I think I have known this and my choosing the moniker of HabitDone implied this.  

I am a practicing Alcholic even if I don't view myself as an alcoholic. I have implemented all the processes and systems of alcoholism even if I haven't happened to go off the deep end.  Genetically in that sense I think I am just lucky.  But I am certainly affecting my health in the long run, maybe have already done significant damage that I can't see.

This whole process of quitting drinking seems to go one of two ways:
1) 1 step forward 2 steps back
or
2) 2 steps forward 1 step back

When I first quit I was just trying to prove I could do it.  I mean I couldn't be that bad if I went 125 days without alcohol.  That was a great step forward for me.  But I really feel I then took two steps back when I went back to drinking.  I was more hyper aware of what I was doing to myself.  Before I had been focused on just wanting to go days without drinking.  Now that I knew I could, I felt immense guilt that I wouldn't go back to that abstinence.  I think I weigh more now then I did when I started my blog....about 2 years ago.....with the intention of losing weight!

I've watched others and seen sobriety just "click".  I guess we all have to get there in our own way.  Reading the blogs for me has been a way of keeping in touch.  Keeping the pulse alive, the desire to quit alive, knowing that I wanted to get there someday.

The hubs and I went 5 nights last week without alcohol.  I wrote my blog post.  

(Here's the personal point in the post.  If you know who I am from reading this, you can let me know.  I guess we are kindred spirits if I am writing and you are reading this since I don't think anyone "stumbles" upon my blog very easily.)

My parents came into town Saturday night.  I knew they would bring wine.  I also knew I would rather drink wine with them then deal with my Mom and her questions or her "knowing" looks if I said I wasn't drinking.  It's funny how people who probably think you drink too much, but don't say, will still bring you wine.  I devised a plan to drink my alcohol free wine without her realizing it.  Don't ask me why I want to hide not drinking but I think the reasons are just very convoluted.  I'll work through that baggage at some point.

Then, about 20 minutes before they arrived, someone texted me and asked if I had seen facebook that day.  I had not. It was one of those days where I hadn't checked it.  I did.  My heart broke apart.  We have a person at our school, a dad, married with a beautiful wife and two lovely girls.  A police officer of many years who went on all my son's field trips because his daughter was in my son's class.  In fact, my son just roomed with him on a recent trip.  This dad apparently died at age 47 of a heart attack all of a sudden.  Came home from working...and died.  Family did CPR to no avail.  

Sometimes you meet people who exude a "light".  His spirit was so bright, so vibrant, he always had a smile for me.  He befriended everyone and made everyone feel comfortable.  I always looked forward to his humor, his witty ways livened up any assembly, field trip or any chance meeting.  His wife and kids loved him so much and he them.  I love my dad but this gentleman would get father of the year.  I envied his girls a dad like they had.  They will miss him so much.

(I also wonder if anyone is reading this blog who knows to whom I am referring, but might not know exactly who I am, just that we both knew this same person.  He touched soo many lives in soo many areas that that is quite possible.)

So of course I drank.  I'm not quite there yet where I can get through a moment like that, I admit.  My husband and I joined in on a few bottles with my folks. The hubs and I drank more than the folks but, again, other than the unhealthy factor, all was fine and we all tucked in rather early that night.  It was kind of nice, drinking by the moon, remembering how wonderful of a person this man was.  It was thinking of his family that just kept doing me in.

But we hopped back in the saddle.  No alcohol since, no desire to drink in the evenings other than cravings.  It's like mindfulness.  I've been trying to stand back and observe my thoughts when they start to go down a path where they need to be reigned in.  I don't desire to feel that stress so by observing my thoughts, asking why I am thinking those things, I get to the root of my anxiety and the desire to have my thoughts run rampant subsides.  I don't want to be drinking so I try to stand back and observe the cravings.  I do have thoughts of wine but my thoughts of why I don't want wine seem to be taking shape sooner and they fight the cravings.  I look forward to many more nights of not drinking.

Weekends are hardest.  My next test will be getting through the next few weekends without caving.  Another test will be over Memorial Day when I vacation with the family again.  I'm not sure how I will handle that, what I will decide.

Whatever my path, I am so happy right now.  I finally feel that I am moving ahead on this path and not backwards.  Eventually this habit will be either done or permanently changed.  Alcohol is no longer going to have the upper hand in my life, of this I will make sure!

HD