Wanting the time alcohol doesn't give me

I can't think of the last time I had time on a Saturday morning to sit down with my tea and just write.

I do get about 30 minutes, grabbed in bits throughout the day, to read blogs.  I just haven't had time to comment nor write my own post, but I'm still here, reading all of your words and feeding my soul.

I just reread my last post.  Now that it's a month and a half later, it's interesting re-reading my thoughts.  In March I knew I had gotten to the point of wanting to be free of alcohol's clutches but it's clear I wasn't ready. 

A series of events.....an elder-care issue that was sudden and emotional, both extremely joyful and rewarding yet sad and depressing at the same time, a vacation to paradise and then an in-law visit, led me back to regular drinking, despite my proclaimed intentions.

I wasn't avoiding the blog.  I literally had no time.  Drinking in the evening steals hours where I need to get stuff done so I end up doing it in the early morning to compensate.

I think that's the problem with not-rock-bottom or as I've heard it referred to before, gray area drinking.  When it gives you that relaxation but doesn't make a fool out of you.  When you know it's a health risk but it "appears" to help you keep your sanity and deal with life.  When it's a tradition in certain situations where you can't imagine not imbibing.

I feel like this last month was a goodbye of sorts to my old friend, alcohol.

My grandmother is my drinking buddy and my best friend.  God bless her, she is in her nineties and I used to always have wine with her when I came to visit.  Sometimes we (I) would have a bit too much but normally it was just drinking the evening away and we had some really wonderful talks.  Occasionally I would not remember the conversation but mostly I have only cherished memories with her as we drank.  Moving her into a retirement home (her decision) was incredibly emotional for me.  I wanted a few more of those evenings with her knowing they were coming to an end.  I won't be staying with her anymore now that she moved and so I know we can't have those evenings anymore....I'd have to drive home afterwards.  So we had wine together and got through the emotions of the week.  No drunk moments just a softening of the soul as we each needed it.

I then went to paradise for a week.  My body image is very low.  The hubs thinks I'm hot and look like Ursula Andress.  Haha.  Just a "few" pounds off.  I actually went on my first vacation where I said "fuck it".  I don't have to look great.  He thinks I look awesome and should wear a bikini, that's enough.  Although I didn't wear a bikini, couldn't pull that one off.  Then again, I envy all those women on the beach wearing one when I would have been too self-conscious doing that.  Going to a beach and seeing folks, many pounds heavier than yourself, confidently wearing bikinis or letting their flab hang out and not give a shit is empowering.  Makes me think what the heck am I worried about?  So what if I have flab, get over it!  In order to tune it all out, I drank wine every evening.  The strange thing is I slept like a baby.  No waking up and not being able to sleep.  Well, I guess in paradise I wasn't thinking about my everyday life so if I did wake up, I could go right back to sleep.

The in law came to town for a week and we had a good visit.  Near the end, though, both hubs and I were drinking too much.  It continued afterward and we were back to drinking at home too much.  Again, no bad moments but way too unhealthy, not remembering the last parts of the evening, feeling sluggish in the morning and gaining weight again.

The final issue has been peri-menopause and hot flashes.   I get them every 45 min to an hour.  This is the longest period they have lasted.  I have had them since February.  Everything tells me that alcohol makes them worse but when I drink in the evening it keeps them at bay.  I do read that they are stress related so maybe there is something to the fact that as my stress level drops when I'm drinking I relax more.  They don't go fully away but slow down for sure.

But it's time.  I've realized that I want the time back that alcohol takes away from me.  I want that more, now, than I really want that drink.

During these next few months I hope to:
- truly resist and win over cravings, track any drinking
- heal my mind and then focus on exercise
- create new habits and ways of dealing with stress that don't involve alcohol
- get out and meet some girlfriends.  My grandmother will not be likely to be around forever...

Making it through the last month and a half with no rock bottom moments, just a realization that this habit is so unhealthy, has made me stronger.  Not confident that I can drink without issue, just more confident that I really might be able to quit.

It's clear I don't want it in my life, I just need to be strong enough to push it out.

It's day 6 here today.  Hubs and I are off the sauce for now.  I've had some slight cravings.  Short ones but powerful enough for me to ask the hubby if maybe we should just drink every 4th night, or only on weekends, lol.  I don't even really mean that when I ask, not sure why I do.  Fortunately he hasn't caved and I'm getting stronger. 

It's actually easy now because I am still tired.  Still not wanting what alcohol can give me because I don't want the time sink.

This past week I noticed a few things.  A client wanted an evening phone call and my first thought was "oh no, I can't because I'll be drinking".  Then I thought "oh, wait, I can!"  I had a great 7pm phone call.  Then, my son needed help with a project and I volunteered to help him.  It took much longer than I thought but I wasn't pouring wine while doing it.  Last night we all watched a movie and I realized it had been awhile since we'd all sat down together other than dinner.  I've been getting my house cleaned again and my bills in order.  I like this.  I feel peaceful.

AND...I'm up this morning, bright and shiny, taking time to blog.  Not drinking is so much better on so many levels.  I just need to persevere and keep on heading this direction.  I really don't want to go back.  I don't want to numb myself through events like I did this past month and a half.  I didn't really feel I missed out when it came to the eldercare issue, the vacation, nor the in law visit, but I missed out on the other stuff that didn't get done.

Looking forward to the next few months.....one day at a time.....

HD