I'm sure people are checking in to see "did she make it?" or "Oh, she forgot to blog last night, is everything okay?" (Actually the reason I didn't blog was that I was doing something on the computer and by the time I finished it was 9:30pm and I didn't have the energy to blog, just went to bed with my tea.)
While drafting this post, the song that keeps coming to mind is Frank Sinatra's "My Way." Especially this part of the song:
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way.....
Obviously there has been a shift in my mindset. I no longer view drinking as the thing to do. Originally, I wished that I could drink "normally" and felt like a failure because I couldn't. Wanting to drink didn't bother me, it was how I drank that bothered me. Now, I don't want "to want to drink" and am disappointed that there are times when I still want that.
I really struggled in figuring out how to write this post. I don't want to be a trigger to someone to have any excuse to drink but I also want this blog to remain honest and from my heart.
I think the issue is that I want to shout out how wonderful I feel, how accomplished, and yet.......I had a glass of wine last night. Yep, there went 120 calories right to my ass. I feel like I should feel like a failure, be really bummed.....but I don't.
Side note: We have a lot, and I mean a lot, of drama with my husband's ex. I haven't decided if at heart she is a mean girl, or possibly psychotic, or just dumb. Her actions make it really hard to tell but she has done some horrible things to him and most often is very passive aggressive... which is why it's hard to pinpoint the motive. I am very black and white so these games she plays are annoying to a person like me. Watching her provoke and spin up my guy is also annoying and, unfortunately, she uses the children to do so. It's really pathetic and sad to watch.
This isn't an excuse but she let fly another email last night that made me just go "whaaattt??" She is on another planet, twisting facts toward her own self interest. My husband looked so irritated that when he went for the wine and looked at me to see if I wanted one, I said sure. I didn't really want any and it was red wine but I took it. I just sort of felt I should have one with him.
(Let me note that my husband knows I struggle with white wine but he never sees me struggle with red so, to him, offering it is not the same. Nor beer. And I haven't ever had an evening, I don't think, where I ever embarrassed myself after having red wine.)
I sipped as he vented and went through about 3 glasses himself. He poured me another but I had a few sips and passed it off to him saying I needed to get dinner out of the oven. And that was it. I didn't really give it a thought until later I was like "oh shit I blew my 100 days". The thing is, I don't feel like I have.
I drank "normally" I guess, whatever that is but I still don't want it. I never crave red wine and I'm committed to not drinking white for 100 days for sure.
Remember, I don't WANT to want to drink. What I have learned first and foremost is that while I CAN moderate beer, hard liquor and red wine, that only lasts for so long and they become my gateway drugs.....to the white wine. Not having any at all, most, most of the time will keep me from going through that gate. I get that now.
I see a pattern though.....I tend to push through a craving and feel really good about it. Then, the next day I'll take a glass because I'm still riding off the high of the day before so the wine doesn't give me one. This is the tipping point. Normally, then tonight I may have another, then another the next day and before you know it I'll get a bottle of white and have a night where I drink it all in one sitting, maybe even more.
I realize this though this time and I guess that's why I feel so good. I didn't have a blip as a reminder as to why I don't drink, no rock bottom moment, just a reminder as to why I don't need it. Why drink normally if I don't really get a buzz and just add calories to my butt? Nope, don't need to.
So I'm still counting. It's day 6 of no white wine and no incidences of too much alcohol. If that's the re-definition of my 100 days, then I am perfectly happy with that. If I see husband drink red tonight, I'll remind myself that I don't need any.
My process for changing my habit of drinking too much wine clearly resembles a cargo ship in the ocean going normal speed that realizes it needs to make a 180 degree turn and head the other direction......it takes quite a few miles and burns quite a few minutes to make that happen. It just can't stop nor turn on a dime. I finally feel like I'm making that turn and heading in the right direction.
I'm really psyched about last night even though I suppose I should start over counting? Dunno, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I feel good, just being honest about my voyage and knowing that you are all there supporting me through every bump and roll.......but as long as there continues to be progress in the right direction, I'm cool with that!
The most important thing for me was blogging about this. Now I can start over and keep on pushing through cravings. If I had chosen not to blog about it, well, first and foremost I would feel I was being dishonest so then I wouldn't blog at all, folks would wonder where I went and then since I had already had a drink, I might as well have more. Blogging about it keeps me accountable to myself about what happened.
Likely, very likely, I will get a major craving tonight because I had that one glass last night. I... will ....beat.... it!!! I'll report back tomorrow how it went. It's always day 2, for me, of drinking any alcohol that seems to be "make it or break it" time. After that, it does seem to get easier.