Monday, October 1, 2018

Complacency

That is how I feel.....complacent: showing smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements.

I wish I could feel more shame about things I don't achieve but "little miss look on the bright side" doesn't handle life that way.  If I were more depressed or ashamed, I'd probably be more motivated to make a change.  Confidence can be a bad thing.....

Over the past 12 months I've made a lot of emotional progress.  I've settled (after 8 years) into my current relationship.  I've grown even further.  I've accepted, but not embraced, that I need external accountability to get anything done that is just for myself.

I've been through some ups and downs of peri-menopause but I'm learning to deal with this.

Everything is going okay.  I'm getting the normal stuff done.  I don't let anyone down.....except myself.  I'm less stressed about finances, just have learned to let stuff go.  Less stressed about housekeeping, again having just learned to let stuff go....one more week of dust won't kill anyone.

But I'm not getting the things done that I WANT to get done.  Just for me.

Weight:  worse.  I'm not depressed, I'm not really a "down" person.  I'm just disgusted.  I feel like I'm on a weight train that keeps speeding out of the station in the wrong direction.  dammit.

Exercise:  I workout with a trainer 3 days a week.   Because I pay for her and she expects me to be there.  I have muscles now....pushing out all the fat!  I'm disgusted that I haven't added cardio to my routine. dammit

Alcohol:  I drink in the evenings to "relax".  dammit, dammit, dammit.  I don't need this shit and now I've become complacent about it.  Why?  Because I don't let anyone down but me.  I don't drink too much to drive when I need to.  I can skip it if something else takes priority like sports.  I don't even have physical withdrawals when I don't have it.  Just emotional.  I'm fat enough that now I can drink a whole bottle and not act that buzzed.  I clearly use alcohol to "tune out" the areas where I'm not achieving.  I still drink way too much.

I think this is the key......I get a lot of stuff during the day so the evenings are times where I have to face what I didn't get done.  Did I do cardio exercise?  Probably not.  Did I eat as correctly as I wanted to?  Probably not.  Do I feel fat?  Yes.

I think the reason why mornings are so bright is because of the potential.  Of course I won't drink tonight!  Today is a new day! .... Until it's the evening and I see how I failed during the day.  Okay, no worries, just drink some wine and forget about it, go to bed, start afresh the next day.  What a fucking merry go 'round.

I know that drinking has to be the first thing to change or I'll be stuck in this rut forever.  Every time I get motivated to blog, then I let myself down.  However I realized that when I do blog, I at least drink less!! Knowing that someone is watching.

It's been about 3 years since I first started considering my drinking a problem and since I started dealing with it.  Enough is enough.  I want to get to "the other side" of this.  It seems like everyone, who was struggling back when I first found the blogs, has made it.....but not me.  Oh, I know, it takes time and everyone has their moment but I'm so happy for those folks and so disgusted with myself.

I just counted and I have 63 blogs that I follow!  That means that if someone posts on one of those blogs then I can see it in my feed.  About 10 of those actively post now and most of those folks are really far along in becoming completely sober.  Many of the ones who don't post also got further along in sobriety.

If anyone reading this finds any blogs where the blogger is actively trying to quit in the early days, please let me know the name of the blog.  I find it helpful to tag along with someone at the same stage and right now I feel like all of my buddies have outdistanced me.

Here I go again.....