Monday, October 1, 2018

Complacency

That is how I feel.....complacent: showing smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements.

I wish I could feel more shame about things I don't achieve but "little miss look on the bright side" doesn't handle life that way.  If I were more depressed or ashamed, I'd probably be more motivated to make a change.  Confidence can be a bad thing.....

Over the past 12 months I've made a lot of emotional progress.  I've settled (after 8 years) into my current relationship.  I've grown even further.  I've accepted, but not embraced, that I need external accountability to get anything done that is just for myself.

I've been through some ups and downs of peri-menopause but I'm learning to deal with this.

Everything is going okay.  I'm getting the normal stuff done.  I don't let anyone down.....except myself.  I'm less stressed about finances, just have learned to let stuff go.  Less stressed about housekeeping, again having just learned to let stuff go....one more week of dust won't kill anyone.

But I'm not getting the things done that I WANT to get done.  Just for me.

Weight:  worse.  I'm not depressed, I'm not really a "down" person.  I'm just disgusted.  I feel like I'm on a weight train that keeps speeding out of the station in the wrong direction.  dammit.

Exercise:  I workout with a trainer 3 days a week.   Because I pay for her and she expects me to be there.  I have muscles now....pushing out all the fat!  I'm disgusted that I haven't added cardio to my routine. dammit

Alcohol:  I drink in the evenings to "relax".  dammit, dammit, dammit.  I don't need this shit and now I've become complacent about it.  Why?  Because I don't let anyone down but me.  I don't drink too much to drive when I need to.  I can skip it if something else takes priority like sports.  I don't even have physical withdrawals when I don't have it.  Just emotional.  I'm fat enough that now I can drink a whole bottle and not act that buzzed.  I clearly use alcohol to "tune out" the areas where I'm not achieving.  I still drink way too much.

I think this is the key......I get a lot of stuff during the day so the evenings are times where I have to face what I didn't get done.  Did I do cardio exercise?  Probably not.  Did I eat as correctly as I wanted to?  Probably not.  Do I feel fat?  Yes.

I think the reason why mornings are so bright is because of the potential.  Of course I won't drink tonight!  Today is a new day! .... Until it's the evening and I see how I failed during the day.  Okay, no worries, just drink some wine and forget about it, go to bed, start afresh the next day.  What a fucking merry go 'round.

I know that drinking has to be the first thing to change or I'll be stuck in this rut forever.  Every time I get motivated to blog, then I let myself down.  However I realized that when I do blog, I at least drink less!! Knowing that someone is watching.

It's been about 3 years since I first started considering my drinking a problem and since I started dealing with it.  Enough is enough.  I want to get to "the other side" of this.  It seems like everyone, who was struggling back when I first found the blogs, has made it.....but not me.  Oh, I know, it takes time and everyone has their moment but I'm so happy for those folks and so disgusted with myself.

I just counted and I have 63 blogs that I follow!  That means that if someone posts on one of those blogs then I can see it in my feed.  About 10 of those actively post now and most of those folks are really far along in becoming completely sober.  Many of the ones who don't post also got further along in sobriety.

If anyone reading this finds any blogs where the blogger is actively trying to quit in the early days, please let me know the name of the blog.  I find it helpful to tag along with someone at the same stage and right now I feel like all of my buddies have outdistanced me.

Here I go again.....

Saturday, June 30, 2018

June 30

The end of June.  Hmmm....

Didn't make it 30 days without having wine.  Didn't blog everyday either.

Still didn't drink 20 of those days, though, which is a huge improvement since I started really reducing again in May.  But could have done better.

Sort of punted on vacation.  Thought I might be able to resist but then I didn't.  I feel a little guilty for indulging but I guess that's to be expected.  The good news is that I am not in a state of self loathing.

I know it would be easier to give it all up but for now I'm content with managing the fight.

And I had an awesome time on vacation.  We were gone 6 days, 2 of which were travel days.  In the remaining 4 days I cantered a horse, fished, hiked and kayaked.  I now need a vacation from my vacation.  I did have wine though.  But I was up cheery and clear headed everyday at 6am, ready for that days adventure.  I loved the time the hubs and I got alone.  The last time the hubs and I were able to take a truly alone vacation was back in 2016 when I wasn't drinking. Surprisingly both were fun.  Alcohol really isn't necessary.

But I'm still fat and still drinking more than healthy, or considered normal, when I do drink.  I admit, it felt fun to let go without letting go too much.  But now, getting back in the saddle will be tough again.  It always is.

I suppose I'll keep plodding along until I get tired of this, as others have.

I'm a little stressed at having to go get an MRI after my mammogram.  But I've been in this rodeo before.....mammo, MRI, ultrasound....come back in 6 months, do it again.  Lumps and bumps.  At least they are monitoring for changes and have baselines but it's always a bit nerve wracking.  Not exactly a great excuse for imbibing this past week, but it's my excuse.  I own it.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

June 23

Aargh.  Oh well, I am continually learning my lesson!

Everytime I get to the point where I blog about how great I feel, how great I'm doing, it's like this negative energy hits me to say "F---It!  (I'm starting to get used to this and to see the pattern)

Thursday night went fine.  Sure, normal thoughts of wouldn't it be nice to have a glass of wine but we tried some new mocktails and hubs made a great dinner.  We tried some honey dew kombucha with sparkling water and club soda.  It was pretty good.  But then I went online and read all about kombucha and the liver and kidneys and it scared me off any more I think.

Then there was last night.  Hubs asked if I would mind if he had a beer.  Right before I went to the grocery store.  So of course the whole internal debate was very loud as I was going up and down the grocery aisles.  "Should I get wine if he gets beer?" "I can just have a few glasses, hubs can have the rest"  "Heck I don't really feel like any so just a couple of glasses would be nice"  I also had to buy some wine for guests coming over today even if I don't want to drink with them.  Not even sure if they drink, just wanted to have some on hand in case.

So of course I bought wine for me too.  And drank it last night.  Over the course of a few hours there went the bottle.  And of course hubs had the red wine I bought.  Geesh.  I bought cheap airline bottles of wine for the guests so I'm tossing them if they don't have any today!

Fortunately, I had bad Thai food on top of this and got sick in the middle of the night and then of course couldn't get back to sleep.  I hate not sleeping!  Amen for the food issue though because now I have zippo desire to drink.  I'm going to keep associating the negative feelings of being sick with the chardonnay and hope it sticks!

I feel fine this morning, just stupid for typing this. I still haven't decided which land I want to live in.  Alcohol free forever or alcohol free at home.  This is what most people go through, I suppose.  If I keep having issues when I'm really trying, it will be time to say never again and I get that.  I still cling to some belief that, while I know I can't drink "normally", that I can manage to drink occasionally in certain situations.  Perhaps, but then there will always likely be the potential for some binges like last nights scenario in that vision.  Can I manage that?  Am I okay with that?  Do I want that?

I have given up on the everyday drinking though.  The idea that I can even attempt that has truly left the barn.  For now I'm happy with much, much less drinking overall.  The thought that last night was how I was living my life for years just creeps me out.  Ick.

We leave on vacation tomorrow so not sure how much I'll blog but I'm actually viewing it as a nice time to not drink much, if even at all, and to get up early to partake of early morning experiences.  It would be really cool to get to July 1 with one bad night and just a few other misc glasses of wine under my belt. 

While I'm bummed I succumbed to last night, it was yet further proof that not drinking is such a nicer place to be!

Thursday, June 21, 2018

June 21 - a new summer

Happy Summer!   (Well, for where I am in the world anyway.....)

My mantra for the beginning of this season in 2018 is...

1) I may still blow off exercise now and again......but not as often
2) I may still sneak in fast food......but it comes loaded with guilt more than ever
3) I may still have some wine....but those days are getting fewer and fewer

1) My body is learning to push through to exercise, I feel so much stronger, happier
2) My body is learning to make better food choices, to experiment with healthier things
3) My body is learning that it feels better to not drink at all or not drink too much

I like who I am, who I am becoming.  I am not perfect, I never will be.....and that's okay.
I'm coming to terms with my past, that I can't go back and make things different.
I am okay with the way things are and I need to focus on the road ahead, not behind.

Remembering that last night it felt great to drink a split of Pellegrino in a pretty glass and not wine
Feeling how good it felt to sleep well and get up this morning for a workout
And acknowledging that the brownie I ate last night tasted good even if not ideal!!

Happy longest day of the year!

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

June 20

Last night we were back in the groove. Normal, alcohol free drinking.  Hubs made a nice steak and vegetable dinner and we caught up on our TV show.

In the past, the conversations within myself have dared me to just go get a bottle, just have a few glasses.

Nowadays the voice inside me still says the same thing, I think it always will, but my other voice is louder saying that I really don't want that.

I would love to mellow out with wine but unless I'm on guard (translate that to away from home), it's too much of a battle.  It's easier to say I just won't drink at home.

Tonight I'm all alone in the house for the evening.  Previously I would have uncorked a bottle of wine and sat down to call whatever friend I could to catch up with.  Too many times I realized the next day that I didn't remember most of the last half of the conversation and felt stupid about what I should and should not ask about next time.

I don't really feel like calling anyone tonight but the thought of wine is more fleeting.  Like a passing thought of "wouldn't it be nice" followed by "but I can't."

Of course I CAN, but I know that would mean I would pour one glass and feel all adult.  So I'd just pour one more.  Then I'd say oh heck what's one more?  Then there would go the bottle. I'd have a nice buzz but horrible sleep, a puffy face, and I'd be cranky the next day.  Easier just to skip it.

Every day I get up ready to tackle the day in a good mood reinforces not drinking too much or even better, not drinking at all.

Had my annual physical visit with doctor today who, of course, told me I'm doing great.  Little did he know.....sigh....    Funny thing about the cholesterol.  While a little high on the LDL side, he said he didn't think I should go on a statin medication.  Duh.  But he recommended red yeast rice pills.  I did some research and it's a little scary.  If you get the ones that are legal then it doesn't have much of the statin like chemical in it anyway.  If you get the ones that are illegal then there are a whole host of other crap you can face.  Just thought it odd that a doctor would actually recommend that stuff given the potential for what could go wrong for someone.  I told him thanks but I thought I would just try to lose 30 pounds by next year and we'll re-evaluate!

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

June 19 - pressure valve

I have been feeling like a pressure cooker lately about this not drinking.  My fear is that the not drinking would explode into a binge one day or on vacation.  I would say "f-it, and drink a whole bottle".

When we went out last night to the dinner and a show with friends, I did have two glasses of wine.  But it was like it relieved the pressure building up inside of me so that now I can keep going.

I struggle with forever but I don't want to be who I was.  I don't want regular drinking in my life but I haven't totally ruled out the occasional slip.

We are supposed to go on vacation next week and I cancelled and rescheduled it twice, all because of the pressure to not have anything to drink.  I don't think I'm ever going to be vice free but I want to manage my vices. 

The interesting thing about last night is that 2 glasses did nothing for me.  Nothing at all.  Well, other than calm the wine witch voice that said "go ahead."  Of course not, because now to get a buzz I would have to have a lot more.  I felt like I wasted precious $$ on two stupid drinks! 

I did hear the wine witch but her call was not as loud.  She said "oh go ahead, and have one more".  But aside from the fact that I didn't want to spend the money, I also didn't want to get buzzed, to feel out of control.  I felt that voice louder than that of the wine witch.

Yes, I can have a glass or two but what's the point?  I sat through the evening and watched all the people drunk and standing up to dance, making complete asses of themselves.  There is something not pretty about seeing a woman my age or older drunk off her butt.  It's funny how that invokes pity to me but doesn't with a younger woman.  Not really sure why.

Anyway, it felt accomplished to drive home and then read for a bit and go to bed.  It felt good to still sleep well, to still get up this morning and go to my 6:30am workout and to sit here now with my gluten free bagel and tea.  (yes, I bought more bagels so that I can try them this time instead of the dogs!)

I'm not advocating trying wine again if you've given it up.  This is a process we all have to follow on our own timeline.  I want to choose to not have wine.  I know that's better for me.  I'm sure I'll have a glass or two next week but I am also looking forward to all the early mornings before it gets hot, seeing wildlife coming off their night shift and heading to bed.  I love seeing the days of not drinking on my calendar!!  I think I have taken the binge risk off the table.

As I've said before, it feels so different now.  1) I know and admit I have a problem with regular drinking.  I will escalate too easily to unhealthy levels. 2) I prefer dealing with "me" sober. 3) I feel less stress and anxiety when not drinking.  4) I just feel healthier not drinking. 

It's taken a long time to get to this point.  For the first time I feel like I am choosing to not fall back into that everyday drinking mode.  It's a slippery slope for sure but I'm on a diligent watch!  And blogging helps!

Monday, June 18, 2018

June 18

So the minute I arrived at the BBQ yesterday afternoon, the hostess chucked a big glass of something pink with lots of ice in it into my hand.  I think (actually not sure) it had some sort of red wine, orange juice, sparkling water, and lemon in it.

Because I am not drinking but not being bold enough to tell anyone, I sipped it.  I never would have just sipped it before.  I sipped it for an hour until finally it was about 1/4 full.  I slipped inside and refilled the crushed ice and found more sparkling water that I added back in.

I'm not counting yesterday because 1) I wasn't sure what I was even drinking 2) it didn't feel like I was drinking and 3) I didn't desire to drink.

Hubs did have 3 beers but with lots of food and I drove so no issue there.

I realized something while I was sipping that drink.  I didn't like the taste.  But in the past I would have sucked it down and then had another before I left.  Would have had enough to give me a warm buzz although not enough to get drunk since I would have been driving and in front of people.  Yesterday, between whatever was in it and the sun/wind, I just felt blah.  The drink tasted horrible, truthfully, and I felt so much better when I was able to load it up with ice and water.

Right now I'm at the stage where I "don't want to drink" more than I "want to drink".  I like this stage and want to protect it, nurture it.

My weight is still very frustrating and I think that helps with the not drinking.  In fact, I'm sitting here blogging but I need to get up and exercise.  I saw this WEBSITE and both these pics hit home for me.  Food for thought!  I'm trying to stay optimistic regarding my weight gain which I will attribute to muscle.  The woman in the bottom photo weighs 9 lbs more than the she did and she looks better, right?




Oh yes, we were home by 5:45 last night so we tucked in with a movie.  For anyone who likes horses, this documentary called Unbranded was great! It's about 4 guys who take wild mustangs (that they adopted from the Bureau of Land Management) from the Mexican border up through wild lands to the Canadian Border.  The scenery was spectacular and it was well done.  Blackfish, that documentary about Sea World and the Orcas, was very emotionally charged.  This film was not.  It was kept low key and both perspectives, the BLM's view of the appropriate management level (AML) for mustang and the wild horse advocates who are opposed to the rounding up of the herds, were both presented without being emotionally charged.  The film could have been done to tug heart strings one way or another but we enjoyed the more level presentation of the issues faced by the growing herds of wild horses.  As one who lives out west and sees wild horses quite often, it really made me think.  Anyway, worth a watch.

Tonight we have dinner with friends and a show but I think I wasn't drinking the last time we saw them.  Hubs will probably have something with them but my excuse will be weight and driving so I think all will be good.