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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Another quick post

My last post was important to me.....but after reading this before I went to bed....well, not so much.

What a wake up call for that 22 yr old...

LDS mom of 6 killed while driving home from visiting twin baby girls in NICU

On Friday, Oct. 6, Katie Evans, a 37-year-old LDS mother of six, was driving home from visiting her premature twin girls in the NICU when her car was struck by another car whose driver is alleged to have been under the influence of alcohol. Evans was ejected from the vehicle and died at the scene, just a mile from her home in Santa Clarita, California.
Her husband, Jacob Evans, explained that their twin girls were not expected to survive but are now nearly 8-weeks-old and thriving.
"That's the irony, right? Is that you have dozens of medical professionals who have spent years training, and they've spent months actually working to save two lives that we thought would be lost, and then we have a life we thought we'd have that was lost just because of two bad decisions: one to go out drinking and the other — worse one — to drive afterward, and obviously it breaks my heart and it's broken six little hearts," Jacob Evans told ABC 7.
According to The Signal, the driver of the other vehicle was a 22-year-old female. Alcohol containers were found in her car. She was charged with a misdemeanor DUI pending future investigation.
YouCaring page to benefit the family has currently raised over $165,000.
“Jacob and family are incredibly grateful for the tremendous outpouring of support and love,” an update to the page on Monday said. “We want to share with you some good news: The twins are doing surprisingly well. Both Sarah and Hannah have doubled their birth weight and doctors are planning for them to come home in four to six weeks.”
Driving drunk is not something I do.  Why I draw the line there I don't know but I have, with very, very few circumstances, that I acknowledge and am ashamed of.  Truly, I was just lucky and I guess so were others.  Probably many of us can relate.  This article just hit me in the solar plexus.  So sad.

What is working....and what is not

I've had a lot of inquiries about my diet and I owe you all a post.  I've been very busy with work which is a good thing but I haven't had a moment to breathe much, let alone post. 

But... every morning I quickly try to read the latest from all those blogs I follow!  I just don't have much time to comment.....but I do read and love all the posts! diet.....I went 10 days pretty extreme and then went back towards more comfortable (probably actually uncomfortable) habits.... but here is what stuck.

1) I have lost 12 lbs and some good inches....maybe more now, haven't weighed myself in a bit.  Then I kind of stabilized.  I can wear my winter work clothes again which is what was most important to me.   I am cheap and I am the only woman I seem to know who hates to shop!
2) Why am I not losing more? Because I still have wine and I am on an exercise hiatus.  Uggh.  No ugly moments but I still find myself saying I have had too much about every 5th day.  Some days nothing, most days a glass or two and once a week a bottle or more.  Well, that explains why no further weight loss.  And little to no motivation for exercise....I seem to hit this every October so nothing really new for me!
3) But now I don't drink much milk.  I have switched to Almond milk in my tea. Yeehaw!
4) I don't eat bread except for an occasional cheat day every 10 days or so.
5) In general, not much dairy but some cheese.
6) Very little caffeine.  I drink decaf tea with an occasional caffeinated tea bag and today I did have coffee at a meeting.....and I hate coffee.....but it was all they had.  (Along with that damn croissant and egg white... = cheat day)
7) I no longer do fast food.  I have Amy's micro-waveables (gluten free, some dairy free) for lunch when I am too tired to make a fresh quinoa salad. 
8) I no longer snack on chocolate or oreos. Well, alright, maybe every 10 days....but the Oreos ARE going stale!

Okay, so let me summarize:
- reduced greatly the dairy
- really don't eat bread
- dramatically reduced if not eliminated caffeine
- gave up fast food
- pretty much gave up sugar treats

This is HUGE, folks.  Amazing for me.

Now....why the fuck can I do the above and I still want wine?  Oh and now I am back to not being able to have as much wine because I have lost weight and it affects me more.  Sigh.

Clearly I am in avoidance mode.  I guess I needed to do this.  Exercise is the next thing I'll probably add in, until, after all of it, I'll realize that I still have to say goodbye to the wine.  The inevitable is on it's way!

I don't want it from the logical standpoint.  I just need the emotional side to get on board.

I have to be ready to grow up and face true emotions.  I know I have not/may not be there yet.  I've watched others grow so much in sobriety....I think I am actually afraid of what sobriety may bring.

Did I just say that?  YES...I am afraid what sobriety may force me to face.  Ick.

 But, I DO know, I have so much support here, that when I really get serious there will be a serious cheering squad!  I've seen it for Lily, for Tori, for SamKD and many others.  I know I will have it when I need it.

It takes a village but the villager must be ready to put forth some effort.

Thanks for your support over the last year and a half.  It's been awesome!  I'll keep you all posted!


Wednesday, October 4, 2017

What really matters

I don't care anymore whether someone knows about my blog.  In fact, if one of my friends is reading this and realizes who I am, well, then, hello!  It seems we must have something in common, lol.  Life is a journey, full of struggles, this just happens to be my blog about mine.  I'm proud of trying to tackle something that I think a lot of people are in denial over.

Anyway, some of you who I've corresponded with off blog know that I live in Vegas.  My last post mentioned what happened but not that I live here.  It was my way of trying to mention it without giving up my anonymity. 

I don't know anyone directly affected by the shooting.  I know folks who know folks.  I have friends who were at the concert but made it out unscathed.

This morning I was in tears, yet again, reading about a mom who was at the concert with her son.  They had arrived separately and were trying to find each other at the concert.  They gave up and she was just going to connect with her son at the end.  The shooting started and she ran out, then realized her son was in there somewhere.  He didn't make it.

My husband and I never go to the strip unless we have friends or family visiting.  Randomly, we got free tickets to see a show Sunday night that was across the street from the concert, at a hotel across the street from the hotel the shooter was at.  We left my son at home since he was too young.  Strangely, that afternoon, I felt compelled to have him enter emergency phone numbers into his phone.  Probably just because we haven't left him alone for a late evening very often and usually I scribble down our numbers.

Hubs and I drove right by the concert.  Saw tons of folks crossing the intersection where the concert was on one corner and the two hotels on the other.  Saw very happy people in cowboy boots and hats walking across the street.  This was about 7:15 as people were walking over to it.  Cops on all corners directing the pedestrians.

We attended our show and went back through that intersection about 9:45pm.  Saw some folks leaving the concert, heading back to the hotel, but others were just walking over to it.  We figure that the shooting started about the time we pulled into our driveway.  We didn't know about it until early the next morning when our phones started exploding with texts from family and friends.

A near miss like that makes you think.  What if we had stopped for a drink like we probably would have done in the past?  On the one hand we might have been on hand to help.  On the other hand we might have gotten stuck for hours in that area as police secured the area and my son would have possibly looked at his phone to see why we were late getting home and freaked out.   Cell phone coverage got clogged so we probably couldn't have even called him to let him know we were okay.

I guess it just made me think and reflect on a lot of things the past few days.  Sorry if this post sounds disjointed. 

I'm proud of my journey with alcohol.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I hesitate sometimes to post because most of my well-wishers are sober.  I'm not sure I'm ready to go the 100% route and so I feel bad about discussing my journey.  This is my fault.  When I first started the blog, I commented on the folks struggling and the ones who were long time sober, so those folks are the only ones who know about my blog.  I don't put keywords of moderation etc in my blog so people usually only find my blog by seeing I commented somewhere else. That's how I ended up not sober in the sober universe. 

Maybe there are more people out there reading my blog who struggle and just don't comment.  That's cool.  I like to lurk through blogs too.  Sometimes I feel silly commenting on a long time sober blog when I am not.

I still have a ways to go with alcohol but I love that I have more nights now than not where I don't drink or I don't drink too much.  I'm still vulnerable to a bottle of white wine but I am doing better about planning for that if it happens.

This week made me reflect that while my journey is important to me, in the overall scheme of things, it is just one piece of the pie and so many other things matter more. I'll write about the diet later but I've lost 10 lbs and feel healthier than I have in a long time.  I like remembering giving my son a hug before bed.

My heart hurts for my city.   We are a very big, small town, community.  I always say there are only 2 or 3 degrees of separation here.  Everyone knows everyone - part of the reason I keep this blog quiet.  The randomness of it is so scary to our children.   There may be people reading this blog who live in distant cities but were affected because of visitors they know who traveled here.  My heart aches for you too.


Monday, October 2, 2017

Las Vegas

Woke up and saw the news about Las Vegas.  The first picture I saw was of the shooter, holding a shot glass.  Many of the subsequent photos have been zoomed in and you don't see the shot glass.  Not sure why but perhaps because of the companion that had to be blurred out in the photo.  We may never know what, if any, role that alcohol played in his actions......but it certainly made me sit up when I saw that photo.

It just made me think how grateful I am that I became aware of my drinking behavior and have been on a journey to acknowledge it and change my habits surrounding drinking.  Granted, some people just "lose" it, but there are also so many stories of people "losing" it strictly due to alcohol.  Doing things, saying things they regret. 

I'm sure many of us have had moments where we got into fights (verbally or physically) with others, or know others who have done the same or have just done something really embarrassing that never would have happened without alcohol......people who feel intense shame the next day and aren't generally people you would think as folks who would just snap.

None of us really know what we are capable of, we don't really know what the person next to us is capable of.  But we certainly don't need to be taking substances in quantities that could cause us to become unglued.  With every sip, the risk really is there, for anyone who has trouble moderating.  Do we really want to continue taking such a risk????

Hugs to all in Vegas.  The concert was on a Sunday night, possibly having many more locals attend than on a Friday or Saturday night.  A hard hit to the community that surrounds the tourism industry. :-(


Sunday, September 10, 2017

Mindful weight loss

I think I have been in denial for years about my diet.  I have never been a skinny girl but rarely what I would call heavy.  I have just always longed to be 15 pounds lighter to be what I thought I should be.

I was just born lucky enough to not be a foodie.   If I could never eat and just get on with my life I would love that.  But I get hungry.  Then I feel tired and moody and just want a quick fix.  So when I eat I generally eat quickly.  I am not mindful about my food, I don't enjoy it, per se, so I eat when hungry but eat like shit.  Because of this, by sort of giving mind to calorie counting, I have never gotten too big.  With a younger metabolism that is possible.

This year I got hit with the peri-menopause ton of bricks.  Suddenly my way of eeking by in the weight department was blown apart.  No longer could I rush out for fast food, grab that Starbucks on the way to the office or eat that pizza because I was too lazy to cook.  The lbs started packing on, I grew a belly.

I've never embraced dieting.  I don't have enough self discipline for that.  Probably why I don't stop after 1 glass of white wine.  Instantaneous gratification defines me.  (It's funny, only in the area of food.  I will do chores around my house and never allow "me" time until I am done.  So I do sacrifice for later rewards in many areas but not food or drink.)

After college I tried a supplement program with Ephedra in it back in the days when that was allowed.  I had put on the college weight and it came melting back off. I never had any problems with Ephedra that I knew of, loved it......because it was easy.  I didn't think about it.  I wasn't that hungry and while I incorporated more salads at lunch, I still ate like garbage in the evening.  It was mindless weight loss.

Then life got busy and gradually the lbs crept back on.  I went to look for that supplement program and now it wasn't allowed, didn't exist anymore.  I had had a child and needed help.  I reached out and did Nutrisystem.  Voila, it worked.  Again, pretty much mindless weight loss as long as I followed the rules.  But eventually, I got burned out on the foods available and the space it all took up in my pantry.  So the lbs crept back on again.

(Through all this I drank wine although maybe not to quite the excess of the last 5 years.)

Then my husband had an affair and I lost 20 lbs.  Not really because I thought I needed to lose weight so much as I was just anxious, our marriage was on the rocks.  Again, mindless weight loss.  And I felt better about myself than I had in awhile as we moved forward to shore up our marriage.

We made it through that, or so I thought.  5 years later I realized the truth and started to feel our marriage was rocky again.  Every time we went through something, I lost weight.  Again, mindless weight loss. Everytime I got back to my happy place it came back on.

Then divorce and I got back down to the lowest weight I had been in years.  Helped to feel a bit "hot" getting back into the dating scene.

I met my current hubs at my lowest.  Last weekend I realized I was 36 fucking lbs heavier than then.  That's what I get for being in my happy place with someone who loves me no matter how I look and lot's of great sex.  (Sorry, TMI)  But I think sex makes me fat.  Must not have had enough in those early years........Okay, he is a bit heavier too but it looks good on him, even with a bit of a gut.  On me?  Not so much.

I randomly spoke with a woman who was running this challenge to give up certain foods.  See two posts ago.  Anyway, it suddenly clicked that for the first time in my life I really needed to try something different that I controlled.  I needed mindful weight loss, not mindless.  I needed to change my eating habits.

Just giving up alcohol wasn't going to do it.  It was too hard for me.  My cravings were too strong....based largely upon my poor nutrition.  (I totally understand that some of you struggling as I do with wine, might be big exercisers, or great eaters already.  We all have different reasons to drink.  I just really think mine was nutrition based.  I'll never be able to stop if I start, I just want to eliminate the need to start and I think, for me, it is food based.)

So I started with the elimination last Tuesday morning.  I haven't had any desire to drink other than a "wouldn't it be nice" and maybe one mild craving yesterday evening because I hadn't been diligent about my eating during the day.  So I turned to my accepted foods around 4:30pm and was ready to then move on with my sparkling cucumber water and dinner prep.

As of this morning, 6 days later, I have lost 4 lbs.  I can tell you that it ain't water loss because I am doing my best to drink half my weight in water ounces every day.  I'm thrilled to drop 4 required ounces!  I fear I might float away!  So I figure if you take out the water in me, I've probably even lost more.  I wasn't supposed to weigh myself but I just had to!  I haven't measured though, will save that for next weekend.

I've probably been so food focused this week that there just hasn't been a lot of thought available to alcohol.  I need to get better organized in regard to food and figure out how to incorporate my new habits with the rest of the family.  I'm not necessarily going to give up dairy and gluten forever but I need to see how it impacts my need for alcohol when I have those types of food.  I'm going to be very mindful about my body and be more intuitive about what it needs!

Feeling great at Day 6!  This has been a long, long road.  Happy Sunday everyone!


Thursday, September 7, 2017

It's working!!!

I'm so excited. I think for me I needed all or nothing.  I never, ever, thought I could eat such a restrictive diet but giving up all those things at the same time as alcohol has been lovely.  I don't feel deprived, haven't even craved alcohol last two nights and I do seem to have more energy, strangely enough.  I do take supplements and shakes along with just eating to avoid those things:  gluten, dairy, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and processed foods.

Unsweetened vanilla coconut milk ain't so bad in my tea, almond milk in my smoothie works too.

I've done okay on the processed foods side for the most part but I did break down and eat two grilled hamburger patties with mustard last night.  I.....needed...more....meat.  Lol.  But the mustard didn't have any of my "avoidances" in it so I think I'm alright.

Note that I will still implement bacon back in my diet at some point.  And blue corn tortilla chips.  Cannot live without those!

I'm really most looking forward to seeing if some of the inflammation I'm having in my feet due to arthritis and bloating in my gut tends to go down.  It seems a bit better already.  I've been walking 3 miles every day and it feels great.  I have been eating more beans though which could affect bloating so we'll see how my body adjusts or I will have to cut out beans.

It all makes sense.....if my body sugars were crashing at the end of each day, no wonder I craved wine.  My theory is that if I get my nutrition in line and have more energy, I won't crave the alcohol as much.  There is really no reason I need it, nothing truly major to tune out other than how I feel about my, therefore, working on the body!

Yay!  Day 3 today I guess!


Monday, September 4, 2017

Still sailing....

Hi there, I'm still here, no worries!

The end of the summer just got busy with kids, vacation, work, etc.  I've been just sort of taking stock on every area of my life and not worrying about alcohol specifically.  I spent a time drinking and really identifying why I am drinking.  Instead of focusing on the quitting, I spent some time looking at the remaining underlying issues that I haven't solved over the last year.

I made a lot of progress in many areas in the last year and a half:

1) I finally let go of my first marriage.  I know this sounds weird but it's not about a loss of the man.  It's about the loss of the family I thought I would have had.  More kids, etc.  Doing things with their father and as a family unit.  It's taken me a long time to come to peace with the fact that things didn't turn out the way I planned but it's okay.

2) I came to terms with where I am career wise.  I'm not where I envisioned I would be but the career I chose did allow me to spend these past years available to my son and that was important.  Now I am finally starting to focus on what is next in this area and it's exciting.

3) My relationship is better than ever.  It has taken a lot of work on both of our parts and I am so proud of hubby's patience with me and his willingness to meet me halfway.  He understands me better, my baggage, and I've learned what will and won't make him tick, and how to present issues in a way in which we can resolve them.  It's funny, most people get to a 7 year itch and for me the earlier years were so much harder.

Quitting alcohol for even those 125 days a year ago, and even though I've never made it that far again, sparked something inside of me.  Something hugely trans formative. After that, whenever I drank/drink, I am seeing why I drink.  Tackling the above was huge for me over this last year.

Unfortunately I gained weight.  Unfortunately gaining weight allowed me to keep drinking with less impact.  I can drink more, I don't have blackouts unless I drink way to much, but I could drink every night and probably be okay.  Except unhealthy and with serious belly bloat.  At some point, I'm sure the drinking would escalate and I would be back to where I was.

I have realized that the next area of my life I really must tackle and not put off anymore is my physical fitness and nutrition.  Thanks to some coaching last year I don't have the same negative views toward exercise but I still procrastinate it some days.  I have been totally blowing off nutrition.

Today is my last McDonalds bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, hash browns and OJ!  I'm going on a long hike though to burn that off!

But, tomorrow, I'm trying something majorly different.  This is really out of my box. I do well with following rules, though, so I think it can work.  Abstaining from alcohol alone has been tough.  When I can do it, I feel so much better and keep going for a bit.  But I think because my overall nutrition sucks, that then when I get erratic blood sugar, my willpower goes kaput and I start drinking again.

Tomorrow I am starting a 10 day detox.  This will be hell but, strangely, I am looking forward to it.  I'm hoping it will kick start an extended period of no alcohol and the birth of new ways of eating.  I will be giving up dairy, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and gluten.  I have stocked up on recipes along with vegetables and non dairy milks and I am prepared for this......and the headache I will probably experience the first few days!

I'm not sure if I'll blog in the meantime but I'll definitely post when it's over.  Cross your fingers for me!  I'm really excited about this.  I don't want to fail at this.