Sunday, March 18, 2018

Time for progress not regress

I haven't blogged since January, mainly because I know that most of the people reading are on their own journey to quit drinking altogether or, for some lucky ones, at least to not drink as much.  I had lost my commitment to this process and felt stupid blogging about starts and stops.  I also didn't want to ask for help, have well meaning people trying to assist and then blow off their efforts. 

In general, I've always been able to manage my drinking when I am expected to not drink or not drink too much.  Occasional incidences but I had more of those in my younger years. Some in past few years but not where someone would say "oh she has a problem".

1) Sporting events:  didn't drink those nights
2) Out to an event or dinner:  drank one glass of wine (usually had to drive home)
3) Friends came over for dinner who drink one glass:  I had one glass
4) Got sick:  didn't drink for a week while on antibiotics
5) Family came into town:  I would drink 2 glasses
6) Didn't let son see me drunk:  except once, last fall, on my birthday

But there were still way too many nights, sitting down with the hubby, where I drank too much, had lousy sleep, a few black outs where I don't remember going to bed and overall just unhealthy drinking.  Not that any drinking is healthy per se, but I envy those who can drink a glass here or there to unwind.  That's really the bottom line for me.....I cannot drink to unwind because I become unwound!

My son has started to watch my behavior so that in of itself has inserted some accountability into my drinking habits.  But I've found ways around that....ie get him his own dinner before I start drinking so that once he is off gaming with his friends on the computer, I can go drink with the hubs and son never knows I got tipsy because I go to bed before him.

My hubby doesn't really think a bottle of wine here or there is that horrible.  He is a drinker and should cut back too so he doesn't want to acknowledge my getting buzzed as long as I have no drunky-drunk moments.  And if I have those once in a blue moon, he writes it off as blowing off steam.

I don't drink much in front of friends or other family.  I never have issues getting anything done that anyone else expects.  Work, housework, meal prep, laundry, paying bills and so on.  BUT I NOTICE.  I NOTICE. I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.....IT IS A PROBLEM.

I have brutally let myself down and I'm just done with it all.  I thought these last few months I could just drink socially and not drink at home.  But my methods of trying this on my own have not worked.   I would still cave for that mellow feeling, that tune out of life that I could get from wine.  I just didn't bother to resist it.   I had a bottle and a half of wine last Wednesday night and felt like shit on Thursday.  Still got up at 6am, worked all day, blah blah.  Then I didn't drink Thursday night and had one glass on Friday night.  Then last night the hubs came home with that larger bottle of cheap wine.  He couldn't find the regular size cold at the store.  I literally felt the wind go out of my sails.  I felt crushed.  Not at him, but at me, because I knew I would let myself down.  We drank it all, me most of it.  I feel tired and sluggish today.

At the start of the year I had such plans for exercise, healthy eating, organizing my house and getting ahead at work.  All that has really fallen aside.  I have a vacation to paradise in 3 weeks.  I had such goals......but I finally broke down and ordered realistic swim suits and shorts for the body that I have, not the body I wanted.

In 2016 I realized that I am an Obliger.  You can read about it HERE if you haven't before.  This is why I can drink normally when expected to.  But if nobody cares, nobody notices, then I let myself down.  Same for exercise.  Same for healthy eating.

I MUST set up external accountability for all these things:  Drinking, Diet and Exercise

The part of my life that must be fixed first is no drinking at home.  No drinking period is the ideal but I want to see if I can setup some accountability to at least no drinking at home.  We'll see if I can make progress by doing that alone.  I have no doubt that I would have made changes sooner if I had had to blog about how much I drank.  I want to know someone is reading.....and watching....waiting for me to let myself down and/or cheering me on.  Either is fine.

I'm restarting my blog as a final attempt to really hold myself accountable.  I also told the hubs that I don't want to drink anymore at home with just the two of us.

I want to have a life free of the pull of alcohol. I don't want to think about it all day long anymore.  I want to embrace who I am and become better.  I want to love myself, to not feel ashamed of my addiction.  I want to take care of my body and not pour poison into it any longer.  I want to improve my overall diet as well.  I want to be fitter.  I'm going to use this blog to record my new adventure.

Some of you are probably reading this and saying "no way" can she just not drink at home if she still drinks at all socially.  I totally agree with that risk, but before I can go all the way, I have to give this one more try.  And I'm going to really try and resist some social occasions as well.  But I do understand that even having some sips socially might make me cave on the homefront.  If that happens I will have to give up alcohol 100%, that I know. 

So I will see how this goes and if, in a few weeks I haven't been successful, I will start counting days and go that route.  I have read about others who were in my shoes and reduced their drinking to take it out of their daily routine.....but I am the first to admit those stories are not common.  If I do fail then this blog will be reinforcement of the need to give up alcohol completely when a person gets to where I am!

Thanks for all the understanding and support over the years.

HD