1) I like myself a lot better when I don't drink any alcohol.
2) I still feel too weak to think about forever
3) My main goal for starting to blog just over a year ago was to change my dangerous habit. I have, quite a bit, but as long as I drink there is risk. I realize this.
4) Am I willing to keep that risk in my life? Not sure
5) Do I think alcohol is really good in any way? No, not really. It's just a bad thing that is hard to resist. (Glad I never smoked as I think that habit would be incredibly tough to kick!)
I had family in town and went 4 days not drinking. Hubby didn't either. Then we both had red wine Monday night and last night. Monday night we drank too much. No incidence per se... I think we each had a bottle over the course of about 4 hours, but still too much.
Last night the evening seemed dreary. I felt he needed to unload some feelings a bit. I suggested wine. We drank a bottle and 1/4 of red. He had more, I had two glasses. But it opened him up. We had a great discussion. I learned things about him I didn't know.
This is my quandary. I enjoy evenings like that. I have to say both evenings were at my instigation. He was going without but then lept at my suggestions to have wine. We enable each other, clearly. We have been drinking buddies. This is new territory. We are figuring it out.
We are also in therapy. I should say I am in therapy and he is participating as needed. He is very willing and we have some communication issues to work through. We both know this but love each other tons. Giving myself some room to not be perfect is okay with me right now in both the relationship and with quitting drinking. As long as I see improvement, subtly, in both areas, I'm good.
For now my only rule is no white wine at the house. If I go out to dinner sometime I might have one glass. That's easy because I don't want to drive with more. If I absolutely cave at home, it will be red. Yuck. Don't really like it but I can stomach it. Keeps me from drinking too much I guess. Hope I don't start liking it! I don't drink hard alcohol nor even beer because, for me, the AF beer tastes fine and I don't like liquor.
So that's all I'm doing right now, living in my white-out world. I like my new means of counting so am still keeping track. I think I need to to keep that external accountability in place. Something to refer to. So today it's:
7 days since I started tracking, 2 days I drank of that and today is a day 1 since I drank last night.
I'm sorry I'm not 100% sober like many of the rest of you. I think the folks who blog the most are successful but there may be many readers like me, who aren't exactly where they want to be. For those of you, it's okay. As long as we are all making more forward progress than reverse, I think that is acceptable. I want to be one of those folks who are over 100 days but maybe not quite badly enough yet. It's still a goal however. So great to read the blogs from those people, so inspiring!
Happy hump day.....Wednesday here.