Monday, June 26, 2017

Out of body feeling

I'm in a different place, and I think I like it.

I never used to really moderate.  I always could if I went out, but when I started this blog it was because night after night I was drinking way too much at home, often resulting in a blackout. While I "functioned" I was really worried about what would happen if I went to sleep, basically passed out at that point, and we had some sort of emergency.

I started blogging to document my abstinence, not to document moderation.

Oh, I always got up in the morning, sometimes even exercised, made lunch for school, did the school drop off, worked, grocery shopped, made dinner, did the dishes, said goodnight to son, made love with husband and went to sleep.  It's the latter part of the evening, though, that even though I did it, I didn't always remember it.  I had too many evenings not remembering the next day that I did tuck my son in and too many mornings where I asked "Honey, did we....?"

I had a few incidents where my son knew I had been drinking and that really bummed me out.  I don't want him to see that.  But even in my full blown alcohol use, those still weren't very frequent.

My nights were full of mid night waking up, being up for hours, and feeling groggy in the morning.  I would get irritated easily at my husband over things I shouldn't because the bigger issues, that I had a right to stress about, weren't being dealt with by my mind as I numbed them out, pushed them away, every evening.

This past year I have come to peace with a lot of the stress in my life and I have observed myself on how I handle it.  Sometimes I work through it without alcohol, sometimes I don't.

It's as if I am standing outside my body, evaluating how I am doing as I am drinking.  I had a friend over Friday night, hubby was out of town, and she had a glass of red before dinner, I had a glass of white.  We had dinner with ice water and then we each had a glass of red after dinner.  We nursed those drinks for a few hours and she left close to 10pm.

Then, Saturday night we were dealing with a very stressful situation with my husband's daughter whom he was off visiting.  I was here, he was gone, but the issue was stressful to both of us.  Heartbreaking actually.  I rarely drink alone anymore and I downed a bottle of white that I didn't even know we had.  It was mixed in on the same shelf as my Pellegrino.  I do remember going to bed but felt like poop yesterday morning.

Last night he came home, exhausted so I had two glasses of red with him.  I really don't like red so clearly just drink it to numb.  I slept great and got up early today.

I guess I'm writing all this down because I feel like emotionally I am detaching from wine. I'm having more evenings where I'm having wine "just because" and less "I need to".  As long as I keep drinking, I see the risk for evenings like Saturday night where I say "fuck it".

I want to get to a place where I am dealing with stress without alcohol.  As opposed to saying "I quit for good" my next goal is to identify the next evening where I "need" wine and try to get through one evening of that without alcohol and see how it goes.  I'm sure anyone reading this is skeptical that I can do this and I am skeptical myself.

Again, I think alcohol is bad.  It's a crutch.  I don't see any good to it and am not one of these people that even thinks drinking "normally" is really okay.  I just have to wean myself away from it gradually and do it my way.

I've been doing well with exercise, not so great with diet, but trying, and working on alcohol consumption has just become a way of life for me now.  I like starting my day off by reading blog posts.  Even though I have stress in my life, it's all pretty artificial.  I'm in a good place, happy with my family relationships, happy with myself.  Sure I could be richer, have a better job, be Mother of the Year or Wife of the Year....but I'm okay with not being all that as well.  I'm good.  No more self loathing going on other than maybe with body image.  Trying to come to terms with the fact that I can feel so fat and hubby thinks I'm soo hot.  Bless him and his love of curves.

I find new blogs constantly and love following all the stories.  I love the optimism and hope but, above all, I love reading about the joy in the hearts of those who have given it up.  Someday for me I hope!

Here's to a great week for us all!

HD

Sunday, June 18, 2017

I'll know it when I get there.....

I haven't blogged much of late just because I seem to be in a cycle.  I start feeling really good, get some AF days behind me, blog about it, my excitement, and whammo.  It's as if my blogging becomes my self-sabotage.

So this time I'm not making any promises.  But in case anyone follows my crazy journey, here's where I am.

1) Admitting I have an issue with alcohol:  This has been such a game changer for me.  Admitting my issues, writing about them, reading about others struggles, learning about new coping tools, has opened my eyes to a brand new world.

2) Admitting I'm not perfect:  When I first quit last year I thought "ha, this was so much easier than I thought".  I got cocky.  I must not be that bad off.  But when I started drinking again, I realized that I have, probably always have had and probably always will have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  So knowing that about myself and admitting it has given me a platform, a basis, from which to look at my life.

3) Drunk research:  I've been trying different things, doing different things.  I have definitely realized that white wine is the witch for me.  I can still drink too much with red wine but I had to laugh recently.  I had an evening where every sip I was thinking "yuck, gosh this stuff tastes horrible" and yet I kept drinking it.  If I swap out and stick a bottle of sparkling water next to me, I'll keep pouring but be a lot better off.  Friday night I didn't drink anything.  Last night I had one real beer followed by one AF beer followed by 2 glasses of water while we had company over.  Wasn't any big deal.  But I know if they had brought white wine and opened it the night could have gone very different.  Learning about my triggers has been something I've really focused in on during the last year.  Yes, I promise to not drink anymore and then, yes, I still do.  BUT I keep getting better and better.  I have had my moments but nothing earth shattering, just slight slips back into my old world.  I recognize that if I don't stick with this journey, other, bad things, are possible.

4) Exercise and weight management:  I've realized how important this is to my not needing to drink at night.  When I feel lousy about myself, there I go, down the drain in the evening.  It's much easier to not drink when things feel in balance both on and off the scale.

5) Emotional well being:  I've been focusing on that and amp'ing up my work in this area.  A few visits again to my therapist smacked me out of my hormonal gloom.  I'm working on meditation and well being exercises and hope to add yoga to my toolbox soon.

So baby steps.  I follow the sober blogs and love reading how joyful everyone sounds who truly made the big step to go fully alcohol-free.  It probably sounds strange to say that I identify with being a non drinker now.  Go figure.  I think, I hope, as I get further into that identity, I will also drink less and less.  I also enjoy reading about others who aren't quite there yet and are feeling all the same thoughts I have.

I don't know when I'll come to end of this journey or how it will resolve but hopefully I'll know it when I get there! This community has become a part of my life and a part of my day.  I make time for it in some capacity each day.  I think staying aware and engaged regarding alcohol is only a good thing!

HD