I haven't blogged much of late just because I seem to be in a cycle. I start feeling really good, get some AF days behind me, blog about it, my excitement, and whammo. It's as if my blogging becomes my self-sabotage.
So this time I'm not making any promises. But in case anyone follows my crazy journey, here's where I am.
1) Admitting I have an issue with alcohol: This has been such a game changer for me. Admitting my issues, writing about them, reading about others struggles, learning about new coping tools, has opened my eyes to a brand new world.
2) Admitting I'm not perfect: When I first quit last year I thought "ha, this was so much easier than I thought". I got cocky. I must not be that bad off. But when I started drinking again, I realized that I have, probably always have had and probably always will have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So knowing that about myself and admitting it has given me a platform, a basis, from which to look at my life.
3) Drunk research: I've been trying different things, doing different things. I have definitely realized that white wine is the witch for me. I can still drink too much with red wine but I had to laugh recently. I had an evening where every sip I was thinking "yuck, gosh this stuff tastes horrible" and yet I kept drinking it. If I swap out and stick a bottle of sparkling water next to me, I'll keep pouring but be a lot better off. Friday night I didn't drink anything. Last night I had one real beer followed by one AF beer followed by 2 glasses of water while we had company over. Wasn't any big deal. But I know if they had brought white wine and opened it the night could have gone very different. Learning about my triggers has been something I've really focused in on during the last year. Yes, I promise to not drink anymore and then, yes, I still do. BUT I keep getting better and better. I have had my moments but nothing earth shattering, just slight slips back into my old world. I recognize that if I don't stick with this journey, other, bad things, are possible.
4) Exercise and weight management: I've realized how important this is to my not needing to drink at night. When I feel lousy about myself, there I go, down the drain in the evening. It's much easier to not drink when things feel in balance both on and off the scale.
5) Emotional well being: I've been focusing on that and amp'ing up my work in this area. A few visits again to my therapist smacked me out of my hormonal gloom. I'm working on meditation and well being exercises and hope to add yoga to my toolbox soon.
So baby steps. I follow the sober blogs and love reading how joyful everyone sounds who truly made the big step to go fully alcohol-free. It probably sounds strange to say that I identify with being a non drinker now. Go figure. I think, I hope, as I get further into that identity, I will also drink less and less. I also enjoy reading about others who aren't quite there yet and are feeling all the same thoughts I have.
I don't know when I'll come to end of this journey or how it will resolve but hopefully I'll know it when I get there! This community has become a part of my life and a part of my day. I make time for it in some capacity each day. I think staying aware and engaged regarding alcohol is only a good thing!