Honestly, I slay myself.
Yesterday started off great. A lovely smoothie for breakfast with spinach in it. Was so proud of myself. Clearly it didn't have enough "something" in it and I was starving by lunch.
Enter.....CARL'S JR. (Big burger chain here in USA)
OMG. Yuck. What did I do? And crisscut fries.....GROSS!
I used to love a Carl's Famous Star when I was a child but somewhere along the way something changed. They don't seem very good anymore. But about once a year, I try one. It's like childbirth, I forget and must try occasionally to remind myself how gross it is. (This is not a judgement for anyone who loves this burger, it just doesn't work for me, although I think most would agree it's not a healthy lunch choice, lol.)
That was the start of my fall from glory.
Came home and hubby and I ate (yes, I know) lots of chips and guacamole and ranch dip.....as our dinner. I have no idea why. We were going to make salads and then he needed a carb fix which he almost never does. For him to eat chips is very unusual so I just jumped right on that bandwagon!
On Sunday we had a pool party AND family arrived for the night later in the day. I didn't drink. I poured one woman white wine and I poured my sparkling water into my glass. Later in the day I poured more white and put an AF beer into my glass. It was hard but I did it. It's almost like I was so proud of myself for making it through that day that yesterday I combusted.
It happened that there was about 1/2 bottle of red left in the house and a little less than half a bottle of white. So of course he drank the red and I drank the white. That's it. I had 2 glasses of white wine. Whoop-tee-doo.
I even talked about it with hubby....the only thing keeping me from drinking it was the fact that I had to blog about it. Because I am that honest. I wrestled with the thought. I wasn't worried I would keep drinking night after night if I drank the rest of the white, I didn't have any feelings of letting myself down (shoot, I had already done that all day with food choices!), but I really struggled with having to come here today and blog. And then I was like, well, I'll just blog it, then, Cheers!
So here I am. I was like that little kid saying "Do I do it or do I not? I might get into trouble but Do I do it?"........"I Do'd it anyway!!!"
And it did nothing for me because, well, I didn't drink too much. I guess at this point, unless I drink a whole bottle, which I don't want to do, it doesn't really give me the buzz I would be looking for. So even having the two glasses was pointless, just extra calories. Kind of like the burger choice.
Whatever. I guess the progress is that I do really identify with being a non drinker now. Last year I was a drinker taking a rest. I wanted to drink normally. Now, I know I can't. I can probably handle infrequent moments like this, now, but only because I do pride myself on days off in between. I keep saying this, but I don't want to "normally" drink anymore because I know it will never be possible for me.
So I'm just going to keep doing my best to not drink and feel accomplished. I no longer have daily drinking as a goal, I will feel like a failure if I do that. I just need to fight a little harder through the cravings. I made it through a few this last go so I know I can do it. For me it really just takes me saying "how badly do I want to be able to say I made it through the craving?"
This go around I learned that, relatively easily, if the overall desire to not drink is present, I can make it through the cravings.
Normally I don't want to drink but feel cravings so I know it's a mindset issue to push through them. That I can do. But dealing with the "Fuck It" mindset that doesn't care at that moment in time is hard. Last night wasn't an issue of even thinking through the drink. I didn't want more than two glasses, I just, stubbornly, didn't want to throw it down the drain!
I signed up for that Tommy Rosen 2.0 Recovery conference that starts tomorrow. I'm looking forward to all the speakers!