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Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Drinking for trivial reasons....sigh

Honestly, I slay myself.

Yesterday started off great.  A lovely smoothie for breakfast with spinach in it.  Was so proud of myself.  Clearly it didn't have enough "something" in it and I was starving by lunch.

Enter.....CARL'S JR.  (Big burger chain here in USA)

OMG.  Yuck.  What did I do?  And crisscut fries.....GROSS!

I used to love a Carl's Famous Star when I was a child but somewhere along the way something changed.  They don't seem very good anymore.  But about once a year, I try one.  It's like childbirth, I forget and must try occasionally to remind myself how gross it is. (This is not a judgement for anyone who loves this burger, it just doesn't work for me, although I think most would agree it's not a healthy lunch choice, lol.)

That was the start of my fall from glory.

Came home and hubby and I ate (yes, I know) lots of chips and guacamole and ranch our dinner.  I have no idea why.  We were going to make salads and then he needed a carb fix which he almost never does.  For him to eat chips is very unusual so I just jumped right on that bandwagon!

On Sunday we had a pool party AND family arrived for the night later in the day.  I didn't drink.  I poured one woman white wine and I poured my sparkling water into my glass.  Later in the day I poured more white and put an AF beer into my glass.  It was hard but I did it.  It's almost like I was so proud of myself for making it through that day that yesterday I combusted.

It happened that there was about 1/2 bottle of red left in the house and a little less than half a bottle of white.  So of course he drank the red and I drank the white.  That's it.  I had 2 glasses of white wine.  Whoop-tee-doo.

I even talked about it with hubby....the only thing keeping me from drinking it was the fact that I had to blog about it.  Because I am that honest.  I wrestled with the thought.  I wasn't worried I would keep drinking night after night if I drank the rest of the white, I didn't have any feelings of letting myself down (shoot, I had already done that all day with food choices!), but I really struggled with having to come here today and blog.  And then I was like, well, I'll just blog it, then, Cheers!

So here I am.  I was like that little kid saying "Do I do it or do I not?  I might get into trouble but Do I do it?"........"I Do'd it anyway!!!"

And it did nothing for me because, well, I didn't drink too much.  I guess at this point, unless I drink a whole bottle, which I don't want to do, it doesn't really give me the buzz I would be looking for.  So even having the two glasses was pointless, just extra calories.  Kind of like the burger choice.

Whatever.  I guess the progress is that I do really identify with being a non drinker now.  Last year I was a drinker taking a rest.  I wanted to drink normally.  Now, I know I can't.  I can probably handle infrequent moments like this, now, but only because I do pride myself on days off in between.  I keep saying this, but I don't want to "normally" drink anymore because I know it will never be possible for me.

So I'm just going to keep doing my best to not drink and feel accomplished.  I no longer have daily drinking as a goal, I will feel like a failure if I do that.  I just need to fight a little harder through the cravings.  I made it through a few this last go so I know I can do it.  For me it really just takes me saying "how badly do I want to be able to say I made it through the craving?"

This go around I learned that, relatively easily, if the overall desire to not drink is present, I can make it through the cravings.

Normally I don't want to drink but feel cravings so I know it's a mindset issue to push through them.  That I can do.  But dealing with the "Fuck It" mindset that doesn't care at that moment in time is hard.   Last night wasn't an issue of even thinking through the drink.  I didn't want more than two glasses, I just, stubbornly, didn't want to throw it down the drain!


I signed up for that Tommy Rosen 2.0 Recovery conference that starts tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to all the speakers!

Onward ho!



  1. Interesting reading. As someone who's looking to moderate rather than give up completely, two glasses and no more would be a success. Total sobriety seems like a lifetime of denial and the potential of failure hanging over one. I suppose we all all have to find a way that suits us individually. Good luck.

    1. I know, it's funny how now two glasses of wine makes me feel like I let myself down.

  2. Do not beat yourself up! Honestly HD don't. I think you give yourself too much of a hard time. Maybe your goal is not to stop drinking completely but to cut way back. Maybe you recognise you drink too much and don't like the ill effects, but still enjoy the occasional drink? I sometimes feel like this too. We got invited to dinner at some friends house, they are new friends for us. I'm completely stressed out about addressing the wine situation. I have decided I will decide on the night, and if I want a glass of wine I will have one. Improving your relationship with alcohol is better than before. Keep going!

    1. Yes, my new motto is no apologies necessary to the blog world. As long as I am happy with where I am, I guess that's all that counts. Wouldn't have made it this far without you all!

  3. Ditto PDTG's comment, "Do not beat yourself up!" You didn't do a horrible thing by any means, but given your (and mine and many others) issues with alcohol, it's a hard one to ignore because one never knows where it will lead. You are being honest with yourself, and documenting those feelings helps to make good choices and/or stop bad ones. I appreciate you being human. Good Luck!

    p.s., I work for CKE producing those kid meal toys in Carl's Jr. restaurants! So funny for you to mention them and I agree about the Carl's Famous Star, not as good (or maybe it's just I try not to eat fast food and when I do, I realize how icky it is, hahaha!).

    1. Ha, small world. It seems like the Star is smothered now in too much ketchup-y sauce or something..not the simple flame grilled burger of my youth! Maybe I'll have to try one someday sans sauce and just mustard or something!

  4. Hi HD. I personally think you should go cold turkey. Do a 100 day challenge and decide if you want to continue or moderate. I just read your post "Somehow" and I remember feeling the exact same way. But once I took the option away and just said no it became easier and easier. After 100 days I chose to continue and now I am far enough away from it I just don't think about it anymore. I wish you peace and happiness, free from that destructive pull. My best, Kelly

    1. Yes, I find it was easier last year to do 125 days when I got to a bad place and cold turkey was the only answer. I feel like I shouldn't drink and feel so guilty when I do, even though I'm not drinking like I used to. So happy you were able to do it, gives me hope!

  5. So, I think you are in the "research" phase! You are learning what you can and can't tolerate mentally and learning from each experience. You are lucky right now....for me it would never be just 2 glasses!!! I have to have at least a bottle, sometimes 1 1/2 :( . I know I need to stop completely and you just aren't at that point. It's manageable at times but still causing enough stress to keep you blogging and thinking about it and that is progress! You are finding what you want and who you want to be and that could be a moderate drinker or could be abstaining eventually. I just caution might get progressively worse like they say. But then again it might not!!!! You have to do what is right for you and we will support and encourage you to do just that! Huge hugs...Running from Wine :)

  6. I love Tommy Rosen. His book is excellent.