June 23

Aargh.  Oh well, I am continually learning my lesson!

Everytime I get to the point where I blog about how great I feel, how great I'm doing, it's like this negative energy hits me to say "F---It!  (I'm starting to get used to this and to see the pattern)

Thursday night went fine.  Sure, normal thoughts of wouldn't it be nice to have a glass of wine but we tried some new mocktails and hubs made a great dinner.  We tried some honey dew kombucha with sparkling water and club soda.  It was pretty good.  But then I went online and read all about kombucha and the liver and kidneys and it scared me off any more I think.

Then there was last night.  Hubs asked if I would mind if he had a beer.  Right before I went to the grocery store.  So of course the whole internal debate was very loud as I was going up and down the grocery aisles.  "Should I get wine if he gets beer?" "I can just have a few glasses, hubs can have the rest"  "Heck I don't really feel like any so just a couple of glasses would be nice"  I also had to buy some wine for guests coming over today even if I don't want to drink with them.  Not even sure if they drink, just wanted to have some on hand in case.

So of course I bought wine for me too.  And drank it last night.  Over the course of a few hours there went the bottle.  And of course hubs had the red wine I bought.  Geesh.  I bought cheap airline bottles of wine for the guests so I'm tossing them if they don't have any today!

Fortunately, I had bad Thai food on top of this and got sick in the middle of the night and then of course couldn't get back to sleep.  I hate not sleeping!  Amen for the food issue though because now I have zippo desire to drink.  I'm going to keep associating the negative feelings of being sick with the chardonnay and hope it sticks!

I feel fine this morning, just stupid for typing this. I still haven't decided which land I want to live in.  Alcohol free forever or alcohol free at home.  This is what most people go through, I suppose.  If I keep having issues when I'm really trying, it will be time to say never again and I get that.  I still cling to some belief that, while I know I can't drink "normally", that I can manage to drink occasionally in certain situations.  Perhaps, but then there will always likely be the potential for some binges like last nights scenario in that vision.  Can I manage that?  Am I okay with that?  Do I want that?

I have given up on the everyday drinking though.  The idea that I can even attempt that has truly left the barn.  For now I'm happy with much, much less drinking overall.  The thought that last night was how I was living my life for years just creeps me out.  Ick.

We leave on vacation tomorrow so not sure how much I'll blog but I'm actually viewing it as a nice time to not drink much, if even at all, and to get up early to partake of early morning experiences.  It would be really cool to get to July 1 with one bad night and just a few other misc glasses of wine under my belt. 

While I'm bummed I succumbed to last night, it was yet further proof that not drinking is such a nicer place to be!