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Tuesday, June 19, 2018

June 19 - pressure valve

I have been feeling like a pressure cooker lately about this not drinking.  My fear is that the not drinking would explode into a binge one day or on vacation.  I would say "f-it, and drink a whole bottle".

When we went out last night to the dinner and a show with friends, I did have two glasses of wine.  But it was like it relieved the pressure building up inside of me so that now I can keep going.

I struggle with forever but I don't want to be who I was.  I don't want regular drinking in my life but I haven't totally ruled out the occasional slip.

We are supposed to go on vacation next week and I cancelled and rescheduled it twice, all because of the pressure to not have anything to drink.  I don't think I'm ever going to be vice free but I want to manage my vices. 

The interesting thing about last night is that 2 glasses did nothing for me.  Nothing at all.  Well, other than calm the wine witch voice that said "go ahead."  Of course not, because now to get a buzz I would have to have a lot more.  I felt like I wasted precious $$ on two stupid drinks! 

I did hear the wine witch but her call was not as loud.  She said "oh go ahead, and have one more".  But aside from the fact that I didn't want to spend the money, I also didn't want to get buzzed, to feel out of control.  I felt that voice louder than that of the wine witch.

Yes, I can have a glass or two but what's the point?  I sat through the evening and watched all the people drunk and standing up to dance, making complete asses of themselves.  There is something not pretty about seeing a woman my age or older drunk off her butt.  It's funny how that invokes pity to me but doesn't with a younger woman.  Not really sure why.

Anyway, it felt accomplished to drive home and then read for a bit and go to bed.  It felt good to still sleep well, to still get up this morning and go to my 6:30am workout and to sit here now with my gluten free bagel and tea.  (yes, I bought more bagels so that I can try them this time instead of the dogs!)

I'm not advocating trying wine again if you've given it up.  This is a process we all have to follow on our own timeline.  I want to choose to not have wine.  I know that's better for me.  I'm sure I'll have a glass or two next week but I am also looking forward to all the early mornings before it gets hot, seeing wildlife coming off their night shift and heading to bed.  I love seeing the days of not drinking on my calendar!!  I think I have taken the binge risk off the table.

As I've said before, it feels so different now.  1) I know and admit I have a problem with regular drinking.  I will escalate too easily to unhealthy levels. 2) I prefer dealing with "me" sober. 3) I feel less stress and anxiety when not drinking.  4) I just feel healthier not drinking. 

It's taken a long time to get to this point.  For the first time I feel like I am choosing to not fall back into that everyday drinking mode.  It's a slippery slope for sure but I'm on a diligent watch!  And blogging helps!

2 comments:

  1. Sorry Habit I've been MIA, my mother-in-law broke her hip, she's 85 and well...

    I know exactly how you feel, EXACTLY! Of the times I've drank this year, the majority have been of the one or two drinks, but as you wrote, what's the point. Initially, it's the anticipation of allowing myself to drink, telling myself I won't mess up, I will only have the one or two, but then nothing; No buzz, a small sense of disappointment that I bothered to drink and if I spent money at a restaurant or bar, then I'm even more angry at myself since it cost too much! But it's happened three times, where the "f*ck it" kicks in and I drink too much. It's never the plan, but of course after three glasses, it's on. I have regretted each and every time! I wish, I wish I could control every time I drink, but I've proven I cannot. It's less frequent that I chosen to drink, and I'm certainly at the point where I do not miss drinking everyday, but I still struggle. As we know, everyone has there own path to follow and you sound like you're moving forward, at your pace, well. xo, ll

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    1. I'm so sorry about your MIL, that's a tough-y. Getting old is not for sissies!

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