On the one hand I don't want to detract from those who are counting the total number of days they have gone without alcohol. But I also don't want to detract from the number of days that I have!
A lot of people refer to this "no alcohol" thing as sobriety. To me, sobriety used to mean never drinking again and having no alcohol. Now I define it as not drinking unhealthy amounts and not getting fucked up. To put it bluntly.
I saw someone else's post and it made me google some definitions.
SOBRIETY: The state of being Sober.
Okay, well then what is SOBER? I found:
Adjective: Not affected by alcohol, not drunk
Synonyms: Not drunk, clearheaded
Verb: Make or become sober after drinking alcohol
Definition of DRUNK:
a. Having the faculties impaired by alcohol
b. Having a level of alcohol in the blood that exceeds a maximum prescribed by law
c: Having drunk so much alcohol that normal actions (such as talking, thinking, and moving) become difficult to do
If I take these literally, then every morning one could say they are sober after going on a bender the night before and being drunk. Or one could say that as long as they weren't drunk, then they were sober. I'm not sure if it's as clear as that.
I guess it depends how we define "not affected" by alcohol. Because I wasn't feeling all the negative things after drinking a glass last Friday night, I feel I wasn't affected. On the other hand, by the end of the 2nd glass I could see where this could lead so I was feeling "something".
I think it boils down to interpreting this however I want. Each of us needs to navigate our own way towards our usable definitions. So here is my version. (I need something to measure against for me going forward.)
The HD Sober Definition system:
Tier 1: Alcohol Free - no alcohol in the system
Tier 2: Drinking - having some alcohol, lightly affected (blood pressure, relaxation, flush)
Tier 3: Drinking too much - drinking at levels to be concerning in some way, perhaps definition "a" above for DRUNK or even just "Drinking" at more than the recommended amounts for health.
Tier 4: Drunk - definitions of "b" and "c" above.
My statements of self go something like this then:
Until I quit drinking in April I had very few instances of being truly ALCOHOL FREE. I had daily instances of DRINKING, around 5 times per week of DRINKING TOO MUCH and occasions of being DRUNK...(I categorize blackouts as drunk even though I appeared functioning and didn't make a scene.)
Since I quit drinking in April I have had 129 days of being completely Alcohol Free, one day of DRINKING some, and NO days of DRINKING TOO MUCH nor being DRUNK.
Way to go self. That's a pretty good turn-around! My goal is to keep to this forever. This I think I can do!!! Blogging today to remind myself.
I think this whole process is a balance between what we think is acceptable balanced against what we think we can do. Some might think Tiers 2 - 4 are totally unacceptable and stick with Tier 1. Some might think Tier 2 is totally fine, even with the occasions for Tier 3 and possibly even random, maybe yearly Tier 4 occurrences but realize this isn't sustainable for them and must stick with Tier 1.
My point is that nobody wrote rules for this..... there is no right nor wrong. It's just doing what is right for each of us. At least we are "doing".....
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt
(not exactly the context in which this quote was meant but I thought it applicable nonetheless)
Amen. You create the environment and terms on which you can thrive. Write your own story and live a good life xx
ReplyDeleteThanks, SP!
DeleteI am interested as you pursue this whether you manage to be tier 1/2 easily or whether it becomes a mental struggle. E.g. Your behaviour externally is one of abstinence with an occasional drink, but mental state is occupied with KEEPING at tier 2 and avoiding tier 3 etc. This is why for me I need to not drink at all. I know I can drink moderate amounts but my head gets obsessed with it all. X
DeleteI will keep you posted for sure. I think the difference now is that I have no desire to be at Tier 2. See my other comments below. The only reason I think I will imbibe from time to time is just to fit in on certain occasions. But I'm not one who goes out to party, my problem was I drank at home. That habit, I feel pretty good in saying, is done. Tier 1 is where I am most comfortable now.
DeleteCall me a skeptic....but someone who has spent a lot of their time in Tier's 3 and 4 can go to a Tier 2 after only a short time in Tier 1? And it's true, nobody wrote the rules for this, but I think there is empirical data (and so much "been there, done that" data from fellow bloggers) that shows how easy it is to go back to drinking even more than when one first quits. Maybe you can be one of the lucky ones. I never say never....as I NEVER thought I could live a happy sober life and I am doing it! Just please be so careful HD. You have 129 days in Tier 1 and that is FANTASTIC!!!
ReplyDeleteoh...and big hugs to you! xo
DeleteLol, don't worry...I agree with what you say. I don't intend to spend much, if any, time in Tier 2. Simply toe dips and never if I NEED it.....that would be a no-no for me. I agree that I wouldn't be able to stop!
DeleteDearest HD, I'm worried. It sounds to me like your whole tier 1, 2 and 3 thing is just justification for doing more and more 'toe dipping.' I suspect that your drink the other day is niggling away at you and getting you to come up with rational reasons to be able to do it again. Please be wary..... With love and hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteHmm, well that wasn't my intention but I totally understand your perspective and caution. And I appreciate you taking time to comment. I guess I just wanted to show people a way to not beat themselves up so much. That drinking, whether at all or how much/how often, is a personal choice for each of us. I fear that people start again and beat themselves up so much that it rapidly gets out of control. They feel like a failure and drink away those feelings. Instead of just saying 1) oops and 2) reinforcing that life is better without it. For my personality type, I do better if this thing is a choice that I have made as opposed to something I failed at. I feel better and more sure of my decision to never going back to maintenance drinking by having had those two glasses. And not a single craving since, go figure. Thanks for your continued support and concern, SM.
DeleteI'm so sorry if I sounded harsh, HD. I really didn't mean to - just concerned! I totally agree about not beating oneself up, and that each of us must do what works best for us. You're awesome ❤️
DeleteYou are too, SM!
DeleteHi HD, I'm with the others, I'd day be careful. As someone who has been there a few times over, every time I start drinking again I do so with the knowledge that I will likely be back where I started in time. It will happen again I'm sure, but I'm not ready to stop trying to have my cake and eat it. It's a choice I have made. It's probably not the right choice but I'm going to try. Every time I have a break I'm proud of myself, I'm happy but it doesn't last, it's too hard work and I just want it to end so I can drink again. Maybe one day things will be different. I've had 7 of the last 12 calendar months completely alcohol free and many other days/weeks in the other 5 and for now that's good enough for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is think about it, do you want to drink heavily again? Do you want to have to stop again? Are you happy with your life now? Do you want to risk it? X
ReplyDeleteThanks PDTG! I appreciate your concern as well. I think it all boils down to our perspective of alcohol. If we view it as relaxing, a good thing we are giving up, something we are missing out on, etc, then it's really hard to live in that deprivation mode. Try focusing instead on how awful it makes you feel the next day, why it's not cake to treat yourself with, why it's bad for you, all the parade of horribles it does to your body, etc. To me, now, finally, it's a practice that I don't want to do regularly if at all. If people are passing out champagne at a celebration, I won't want it but I might have a glass just to avoid conflict. That's my personality type too. I want everyone to get along and play in the same sandbox and sing kumbaya. Lol, wishful thinking. I am pretty happy with my life now, focusing on all the other stuff now that I can do better without drinking mucking up things! You are absolutely right, I don't want to drink heavily again...never do I want to go to that place I started at. Hugs back at ya!
DeleteIf you were counting days to collect chips at AA you would be obligated to reset the counter.
ReplyDeleteThat's just how the program works. Rigorous honesty and continuous sobriety.
That said, you would be welcomed and embraced regardless. Chips and day counts really mean nothing. Today is what matters.
Take care. Addiction is a tricky thing....
Anne
Yep, whatever works is what works!
ReplyDeleteI get annoyed with the counting day concept. That's just me. I would rather focus on the positives, in the last 100 days you only drank once. Bottom line!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that your system is one of the most inventive and creative ones I've seen to avoid using the description "alcoholic." I've been sober now for over 28 yrs, and I know for myself that there is no such thing as having one or two drinks. I have watched "normal" drinkers over the years, and what I've discovered is that they are not counting their drinks nor are they devising systems to allow themselves a day or more of drinking. I've seen some of them put down their glass after drinking only half, only to exclaim, "Woo, I better stop. I'm beginning to feel it!" Isn't that the POINT? Anyway, I wish you luck. Perhaps some day you'll surrender to this thing called alcoholism and give true sobriety a chance. You might find that life is BETTER when you're sober. At least, that's been true for me.
ReplyDeleteProbably. I feel sober now just by not being what I had become and life IS definitely better. I am so grateful for the support of this online universe and those who helped me change my paradigm. Regardless of my situation, congrats on your 28 years and I am glad you are happier! Thank you for the well wishes.
DeleteHope you are ok. So many judgemental comments which I assume are meant to come from a good place.....
ReplyDeleteI'm great but thank you for your kind comment! I may have a bit of a non-traditional journey but it has gotten me away from that place where I was stuck....for so many years! I understand all the concern and caution though. Thanks for checking on me! I will blog again soon, been out of town.
DeleteExcellent post for me, similar to my current issue. I had 225 days. Then 7 days of visiting family in another country, just had to drink on day 6 & 7 to escape the craziness. So now, back to not drinking, on day 3. Was that a slip, a relapse, a danger signal? I like the idea that I can spend 3 days on Tier 3, without invalidating my 225 days and going back to Day 1. I'm home now and don't want to drink. Will think about this, and follow your journey.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I know many would say danger signal. But right now I feel that I just have a huge awareness. Someone wrote to me via email and said "So I proceed with great caution, occasional permission (but true desire to genuinely and consistently just say hell no...but you only live once and we will see)" That resonated with me. I prefer going without but I'm not going to beat myself up for occasionally giving myself permission. As long as I don't go out of Tier 2 very often, if ever. I'm not going to view it as a slip, just a dip.
Delete