I had to know!!!

Warning:  Do not read if you are struggling with sobriety.  Only read if you are glad you are sober and in a good place.  Please.

After my post yesterday of viewing through different lenses, I have to admit, I really wanted to try wine again.  Not from a craving perspective really, more from a really strong curiosity.  Would it feel different after 125 days of not drinking any alcohol?

I'm not sure I ever want to try moderating again, I'm not sure I could.  I think the idea that I can drink every evening to relax will not be in my future.  Nor does it need to be.  I just wanted to see what it was like and then get on with my sobriety until I have really worked on more things in my life.  I still have weight to lose and other things to fix.

But...I'm so frustrated with the "letting myself down" feeling that I had, about how I drank previous, that I wanted to experiment to see how I would do.  I needed to feel accomplished in this area for some reason to continue to move forward.  I don't want to need to drink any more......ever again!

I never want to meet another hangover, meet my self-loathing self in the middle of the night, meet my fatter self, nor meet myself with a redder face!  I never want my child to ask me again..."mommy, you were funny last night...were you okay?"  NEVER!!

I've been a little annoyed at hubby who beelines for the bar the minute he gets home from work.  Even though he manages himself okay, I had a bit of attitude about it last night.  This is important because my evening arose from my trying to control him, not because I had a particular craving.

I told him that if he had a drink then I was going to need to have one as well.  That it was too hard for me to watch him run for the bar every evening.  (Not really, but it got my point across.) He said he would just have a Diet Coke.  So then, of course, I said "Honey, I have successfully gone 125 days as of today without a drop and it hasn't been that hard....why do you think I can't have a glass?"  After some "ahem"-ing he said "Okay, let's have a glass then.  If you want to just drink socially maybe you can".  See the dynamic here?  We were calling each other out!  I smiled, smugly, as he went to open the wine.

I decided to have two glasses of white wine last night to see how I would do.  White being the hardest for me to resist.  (I know, it's like I was in masochist mood...)

But.....What a letdown!  I took my first sip - blek, disgusting...it tasted horrible!!!  I think I have gotten used to the alcohol free sweet wine.  It tasted as if I was drinking gasoline....not that I have....but I speculate...

My hubby and I sat outside and enjoyed the sunset with thunder clouds rolling in.  I forced down more sips.  We chatted and admittedly I didn't feel much different.  I really wasn't sure how I could stomach getting the full glass down because of the bitter taste.  It took me about an hour.

What jumped out at me was we had the same easy going type of conversation we had been having over the last 100 or so days.  No different.  Alcohol wasn't bringing me anything special.

However, I noticed that after the hour I had a pleasant flush.  My hands, which ache constantly, didn't hurt as bad.  I felt really happy and content.  But then, I've been feeling pretty happy and content the last few days anyway.

I started on my second glass.  Hubby went to pick up food and I started jotting down my reactions so that I could blog about it today.

I switched to milk with dinner but I had begun to sense the danger zone, how easy it would be to have more.  My "off" switch was in danger of turning off, no matter what my resolve/thoughts.  I even had a thought that if hubby poured another, maybe I would.  He opened a Diet Coke.  (He knew I was watching him.) I never poured another.

While I was sipping, I had a great conversation with hubby about all the personal introspection I've been doing and what I want to do further with me and my life.  I don't want to use wine any more as a maintenance medication as I was before.  I'm not even sure it really should play a role in evening relaxing for me.  I just don't want to be afraid to have a glass if out with friends or having a glass at a wedding.

So there I was....with a pleasant flush.  The wine really tasted pretty much like shit but I could feel it's effect.  I now understand how I overlooked the taste of my $5 wine.

And you know what?  I got the beginnings of a headache.  Who needs this??  My sleep was fine but my mouth had an icky metallic taste in it this morning.  I am thirsty today, for water.

The wine isn't fixing anything, folks, it's just numbing.  We don't need this on a day to day basis.  Hats off to those who have chosen sobriety 100%.  I'm not sure I'm there yet but, strangely enough, I am actually closer after last night than before.  I recognize that I have to control the whole drinking process, so closely, or I can see how I would lose control.  It is so much easier to not even have to try.

I feel cleansed.  I even worked out this morning before I published this.  I'll say that again, I worked out!!  Wow, first time in many, many weeks.  Feel soo good.  It's like I needed last night as a kick start to moving forward.  I needed having a night of trying it.

I don't recommend my approach necessarily.  The circumstances of the evening sort of aligned to let it happen for me but it easily could have gone the wrong way, I know that.

Reading other blogs has hit home how hard it would be to stop if I really started again.  To those who posted about their struggles, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I really have tried to learn from those words. I don't want to go down that path and I really think you have saved me from it.

If you are still struggling, please don't try what I did.  I think how this process goes totally depends upon our mood, our physiology at the time of trying.  I've been saved by those who have gone before....that's the only reason I didn't go off into the abyss last night.

I needed to dip my toe in this ocean but that's what it is! An ocean that at times can seem benign and relaxing and at other times can whip up waves and, frankly, can kill you.

Strangely, I feel cleansed.  I'm going to continue with no drinking as a rule.  I'm struggling with how to count this....in one sense I feel like I'm just on Day 125 again.  But then, I worry that takes away from those who have done straight time.  Yet, by counting all over I would present differently than someone at a first time Day 13.  Hmm....best I just count to myself I guess.

Mrs. Mac commented about strengthening sober muscle.  That's what I feel like I did last night....and I may have just ordered my new lenses to try on!!

Not sure my husband is going to order new lenses but that's okay.  Trying to control him was wrong.  He knows he shouldn't drink as much but he needs to work through this on his own time, his own way. As long as he isn't affecting me I need to back off.  (Reinforcing this to myself by writing.)

Never underestimate your power to change yourself

Never overestimate your power to change others

Wayne W. Dyer

HD