My REAL problem

Well, that old cliche....the first step toward fixing a problem is admitting you have one.....

My last blog post mentioned that I needed to fix other things in my life before I go back to drinking.  Exercise was listed first and then I mentioned some other things.  However, I realize now that I intentionally diluted the importance of #1 by mentioning the others.  I didn't want to admit how much of a problem exercise is in my life.  But then.....I read something the other day online that stuck with me and made me focus on this issue for what it is.

So here, to all of you, I am fessing up. My BIG problem is exercise, lack thereof, and general physical fitness.  I HATE myself for this.  I am so ENVIOUS of others who can exercise regularly.

I was even in the military years ago and, still, I hated the exercise part of it.  Honestly, I might have stayed in the military had it not been for the physical fitness emphasis. How lame is that? (Gosh, admitting that makes me cry.)

I was able to limp by for years and look relatively fit.  (I can walk/hike pretty far.....that doesn't feel like exercise and it has probably been my saving grace for not wasting away, but I can't get motivated to do it consistently let alone do more.)  I don't have a huge appetite so I never had a real problem with weight although I would like to be thinner.....don't most of us?  I've generally been able to eat (and drink) like crap and get away with it.

As I've gotten older and saw this lifestyle catch up with me, I decided I better tackle something.  Do you think I tackled this primary issue?  No.  I chose to tackle alcohol first.  But that's okay, gotta start somewhere.The problem is that fixing alcohol in my life was a decoy, a distraction from what I really hate about myself!!

The drinking got to be a problem for all the reasons I listed, but I have been really wondering why it has been so easy for me to stop.  I had years and years of saying I would stop but never really putting my mind to it.  Every evening, or every few days, I would be back to drinking.  I think, deep down, I knew, that if I stopped drinking, I would have to focus on this other element of my life.

When I first seriously tried to quit because of all my "reasons", I did so for 2 weeks.  Then I decided I could moderate....but I couldn't.  Okay, try again.  This time I have come this far with relative ease.

I haven't started drinking again, simply and only, because I feel that I won't be able to moderate.....so I keep questioning why do I feel that way?  Why won't I moderate?  What is my underlying reason for thinking this? Something was niggling at me.  The further along I have gotten, the more depressed I have become.  Maybe depressed isn't the right word, more like just really bummed.

The first few months were such an accomplishment but, now that I've succeeded, the underlying feelings of being "low" have been bubbling up.  The self-loathing is still there.

This morning I realized why.

My issue really isn't the alcohol.  Some of you may be saying "duh" at this point.  (I have a feeling many of us have underlying issues and we use alcohol to mask them.)

My issue is exercise.  I hate it.  I will do anything to avoid it.  I am blogging now when I should be moving other muscles instead.  My feelings of self-loathing because I don't work out enough were dulled by alcohol.  Without it in my system, I am having to admit that I have a real problem with exercise.

I'm not sure where this has come from but I am going to stop focusing on drinking and focus instead on my issue with exercise.  I go through phases where I do well but then I always quit.

The same struggle I see people going through with alcohol has been what I go through with exercise!!  Those who have seen my comments can sense my envy when I read about people working out, eating better.

You could be a person who works out, eats well and still can't stop drinking.  I read your blog and am in serious envy about the exercise and diet!!!  That's all I can focus on.

I needed to write this down to get going in the right direction.  You won't believe the way I rationalized not walking the dogs this morning.  I struggled about the need to get out the door.  Husband is away until tonight and he normally runs them in the morning.  I was motivated to take them for a walk...until I wasn't.  So I'm going to swim them and play fetch.....giving THEM exercise, not ME!!  :-(  I really hate this about myself.

I over-accomplish in all other areas of my life to compensate for how poorly I feel about my attitude toward exercise.  My job runs smooth, my house is tidy, my finances are good, my family is cared for, I'm super organized, etc.  I'd rather pay bills than exercise!!!

So I decided today that I need to approach a change to this as seriously as I did to quit drinking.  When you are going to quit drinking, the advice seems to be....plan for it!  Pick a date to quit and plan how you are going to do it.  I'm not sure when/how I'll make this change regarding exercise but at least I'm admitting the problem and I shall begin to plan for the change!

I'm going to write my lists and add them to this blog.  Why I need to exercise, why I like not exercising.  Sort of like why I need to quit drinking versus what I like about drinking.

It is time for another change.  So this blog is going to turn into a reason to change my attitude toward physical fitness, and, optimistically, eventually, diet as well.   It's going to morph into a "start exercising" blog.

I quit my ALCOHOL habit, now I'm going to quit my ANTI EXERCISE habit.  If I ever decided to try alcohol again, I'll let you know but right now I don't even want to!

Wow, how strangely good it feels to unload this onto my blog.  Blogging kept me accountable to myself when quitting alcohol, I hope it works that way for exercise.

Wish me luck on ending habit #2.

HD