The craving switch

Day 111

My husband has the cutest expressions after drinking. Tonight he came home and had downed 4 large glasses of red within about an hour and fifteen minutes.  It was interesting to watch how his facial expressions changed with each glass.....brows became more furrowed, jaw a little slacker.  Speaking seemed to become slower as if he was trying harder to enunciate.  He was more smiley and looser.

He wasn't what I would call drunk in any meaningful way.  He was coherent, tracking what I was saying, and holding up his end of the conversation.  I had fed the kids early so he was going to get himself dinner.  After these 4 glasses he nonchalantly stopped drinking, got up and went to the kitchen to prepare chili for himself, cutting vegetables without cutting himself, not spilling on the floor, not tripping on his feet.  But he was visibly relaxed.

I was envious enough to jot this down tonight.

He had the majority of these glasses sitting with me (and my alcohol free wine) in the living room, chatting about our day and what went on for each of us.  He was giving me time and sharing his life with me.  He was petting the animals and enjoying his evening.

Before I quit drinking I would have woken up in the morning thinking "I won't drink today."  Then, by cocktail hour I would have said "oh I will just have one".  Then after one glass, "oh, I will just have one more."  Then, screw it, this feels good, might as well keep pouring.  If there was only one bottle I would get dinner made.  If I opened a second...... hubby usually made dinner.  He has never complained when that happened.

I sat here tonight wondering "why am I able to not give in to the wine witch now, when, time after time, I was not able to?"  For me I think it boils down to this:

1) Early on it was all grit and determination.
2) Then, it was still grit and determination but also I had days under my belt.  I didn't want to start over.  I told myself I could just moderate someday when I was ready.
3) Then, when I wasn't craving wine as much anymore, I focused on how I felt when I had been drinking.  I knew I didn't ever feel good about myself the next day.  Still some determination to just not try it and a lot of time behind me so that relapse wasn't worth it.
4) Then, I started thinking about whether I really even wanted it anymore and realizing I really didn't. Perhaps I didn't even want to moderate, didn't want to risk going back to where I had been.
5) Now I am in the phase of wondering why I ever wanted it. But... I KNOW why I wanted it. I just wanted to tune out.

Tonight's envy toward my husband was simply wanting to tune out and relax as easily as he was.  He can use alcohol this way.  I don't think I can anymore.  I no longer associate my evening "cravings" with a craving for wine.  It's just a craving to tune out, to chill, to relax.  But I know now that alcohol can't be that mechanism and I'm learning to turn to other things.

Reading blogs is helpful.  I have gotten to know so much about people based upon their blogs that I find myself checking in just to hear what's up.  Not so much about the alcohol role in their life but about their stresses and how they resolve them, reading about entertaining pet and children stories, and living vicariously through their travels.

I also read books, organize things, surf the news online, etc.  There is always something I can be doing to distract the "numb out craving" as I am coming to call it instead of a wine craving.

I feel as if I "switch" has been flipped.  I think I mentioned this awhile ago but I've switched out other things in my life.

I switched from Pepsi to Diet Pepsi all at once and never looked back.  I switched from using sugar to sweetener and from one sweetener to the next in search of the "least bad for you" option, without ever looking back.  I've switched from white bread to grain bread.  (Don't jump on me for these poor food choices...my point is that I switched!)  I knew I had the complete freedom to go back to Pepsi, sugar and white bread but I don't feel deprived.

I feel the same, sort of, about wine.  I have just switched.  I drink my "unleaded" wine and others drink "leaded."  I can go back if I want to, but I don't want to.

Now I just need to swap out:
1) Lethargy for exercise
2) Alcohol free wine for a less caloric and less laxative-like option such as...hmm...water??
3) Chocolate for carrots

Somehow I fear the first 111 days might have been easier...........