SHOULD I or CAN I drink again?

Day 117  (had to count on calendar!)


I haven't decided on forever.  I just like how I feel right now.

I've been reading another blog about contemplating moderation.  I still want to, hope to, as well.

Maybe I have to try it.....to know once and for all.  I've never had an extended period without alcohol other than a two week period where I went back to drinking.  Previously, I tried to moderate daily amidst drinking.  That didn't work.  The question of "am I ready to try again" plagues me daily even though I don't really have cravings.  I just wish I could partake along with my husband.

I was able to quit this time... and I love many things about not being who I was before the last 117 days.  I love reading my lists and saying "nope, not me anymore."  I desperately don't want to go back to where I was.

The problem is that I do believe there are some health benefits to relaxing the body with some alcohol.  It is a drug, yes.  But I'm just not at the point where I think it's horrible and that it's so bad for me that that is the reason alone why I should not drink.  Trust me, I've read hundreds of articles on both sides of this argument.

I am a Libra.  Any other fellow Libras may understand the huge problem/blessing that I have.  I can see ALL sides of any issue.  Politics stress me out because I can see everyone's viewpoint.  I can make decisions but I like to have all the facts.  I never feel like I have all the information I need when it comes to voting.

I like to understand everyone's viewpoint and then I can decide upon a course of action.  Strangely enough, I do make decisions easily and stick with them.  I'm confident in expressing my view when I'm sure of it.  But I often don't like debating because I constantly want to say, "well, yes you have a point....".

I think the reason I was able to quite this time is that I finally had enough information to make a decision.  All the reasons in my list laid it out for me.  It was time to stop.  I couldn't drink anymore the way in which I was.  Wine had a become a problem.  I needed to change.  Bam.  Easy.  Then quit.  So I did.

But...the internal (and external information) debate about whether I SHOULD drink or not is stressful.  The debate about whether I CAN drink is a bit more black and white.

Should I?  I think, yes, I should. IF I can drink moderately, I should drink a glass of wine at night while relaxing with the hubby and talking about our day.  Then be done.  Switch to something else.  I think having a glass socially at a bar, or while having dinner with friends, can be relaxing.  I think I have a better relationship with my hubby if I relax a bit in the evening.  I do feel there are some health benefits to the body by relaxing it.

Can I?  That's a whole other story.  I'm so stressed about whether I "can" that it's anxiety causing.  I'm afraid to try again and fail.  I'm afraid to come to this blog and admit I tried again.  But I may need to. I'm not sure.

The fact that I'm waffling tells me I'm not ready now regardless.  It's as if "drinking again" is at the bottom of the list of all the things that have to be done in my life first.  I suppose that is a safe enough spot and I'll just leave it there.  It takes the stress off me when I think of it that way.

So I won't even contemplate drinking again until I have done the following:

1) Incorporated exercise back into my life
2) Made some dietary changes to gain more energy
3) Incorporate some relaxation techniques into my life - meditation/yoga/somesuch
4) Lost some more weight
5) Worked through some personal issues with ex
6) Become more relaxed about my life in general

Then, I'll contemplate it again and go from there.  But I will stop thinking about it right now in terms of "should I" or "can I".  And.....I can re-evaluate the "should I" once I think I can.

There.  Feeling better.  Onward with my day.  If you read this far your head is probably spinning. Welcome to my life.  :-)